Wellington Paranormal

Firstly, congratulations to constables Savali, Stevens, Lumsky, and Parker,

for successfully removing a cow from a tree on Friday morning.

Big news day, that one. Great job, guys.

Now, which brings me to today.

There's been another cow found up another tree.

Minogue, O'Leary, I want the two of you on this one.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Hold on, guys.

Voice recognition. Detective Sergeant Maaka.

Voice recognised. Proceed.

You heard it?

Another cow up another tree. This cannot be a coincidence.

- Is that paranormal? - Is it normal?

Yeah, no, but is it paranormal, though?

I'm asking, is it normal?

Is it paranormal?

Hmm. But is it normal?

Well, no, it's not very normal. But is it paranormal?

I see what you're saying.

But... is it... normal?

Have a look at this.

It'll just be a couple of kids out in the country,

nothing to do, being a bit silly with a forklift.

That is a rather large forklift, if you ask me.

Hmm.

It's possible that the cow was just standing

really still in a field for a really long time,

and then the tree has just grown up around it over a period of years.

I was just giving options.

Anyway, this is, to my mind, some sort of extraterrestrial activity.

If you see here, the cow got stopped mid-abduction.

Let me demonstrate.

This plate here is an unidentified flying object;

this saveloy, the cow; this being the tree.

My theory is that the UFO

used some kind of gravitational pull device,

otherwise known as a tractor beam.

The cow was asleep at the time, being pulled into mid-air.

Right about here, it gets a bit too heavy, so...

We're a bit concerned for you, Sarge.

For me? You should be more concerned for these poor cows stuck up these trees.

Get out to that farm.

And, uh, one more thing.

If you thought it was weird on the streets of Wellington,

it is far weirder out in the country.

- You reckon we're alone out here, O'Leary? - In the country?

Nah. Like, in the universe. The great beyond.

Are you talking about the existence of aliens?

I think there might be something out there, yeah.

Yeah, well, you're a bit out there.

Yeah. You're a bit out there. Got you back with a clever insult there.

It's not really a clever insult. You just repeated what I said.

- Oh, yeah. I thought it sounded familiar. - Anyway, if there were aliens,

I'm pretty sure they'd have better things to do-

Hey, whoa, whoa-

...than put cows up trees and probe people's anuses.

Maybe.

- It's not a footpath, mate. - Hey, mate. Yeah, I know.

Are you all right?

- Yeah... Are you a bit hung-over, mate? - Eh?

Bit hung-over. Look, why don't you just get yourself home,

and you look after yourself, OK?

- Yeah, OK. - A few Powerades for you, I think, mate.

- Perfect. - Yeah. Catch you later.

Been on a stag do, obviously. Well, looked like he had a pretty good time.

Time of his life. He stunk.

Someone on this field out here, O'Leary.

Let's go check it out.

Yeah, so we're here investigating the unusual cow

activity. Obviously, cows don't belong in trees-

- No. This hat feels small. - ...so we're out here to stop them from being put up there

- and being put in distress. - Here.

- You always give me your hat. - They look the same, though, don't they?

It's really important that the community remembers that bovines,

they belong on the ground and never in a tree.

Not in the tree.

Now, hang on. That's the tree.

- No cow. - No.

- Is that...? - No, that was a bird.

Are you, uh... 'Muzza'?

Muzza. That's correct.

Do I know you from somewhere?

Just been called out to investigate a possible cow-treeing.

Yeah, we can't help but notice there's, uh- Well, there's no cow in the tree now.

Oh, yeah. There was a cow in the tree. That's why police here.

Uh, yeah. Well, look, it's really great you managed to get the cow down by yourself.

We didn't actually come with resources to help you with that.

All right. Thank you. Bye.

- See you, mate. - Hang on, hold on. Hold on.

Um, could we just get a bit more information about that photo you sent us?

Yeah.

So have you, uh- have you noticed anything unusual around the farm?

Yeah.

- Here, O'Leary. - Scuse me just a minute, sir. Right back.

- I don't trust this guy. - Why not?

Well, he talks with that monotone.

- It's a little bit... It's disconcerting. - That's how farmers talk, Minogue.

- Just have some respect. - Yeah, but- I'm not coming.

Yeah, sorry about that. We're just wondering -

how do you think the cow did get into the tree?

Brother put bovine cow in the tree.

And why would he do something like that?

Can you just tell us how we can get to your brother's farm, please, sir?

Yeah. Move in this direction with bipedal

walking. Sib-zing's house five minutes away.

- OK. It's this way? - That way.

All right. - Thank you. - All right.

We'll make sure we get to the bottom of this for you, sir.

Have a nice rest of your day.

Make sure you get to the bottom of this.

Well, he was unusual.

They're all like this in the country, Minogue.

- So how long's that been? - 45 minutes. It certainly wasn't five.

- There's no way it was five. - We could have brought the car.

Sorry, sir. I think we've, uh- we've accidentally come back to the same place.

Who are you?

Ah.

Urn, look, we're just here asking a couple of

questions about a possible cow-treeing incident.

Your brother's actually accused you of being responsible.

Could we have a wee, you know, just a look around your property?

- Oh, yeah. - Eh?

Move towards the mysterious field of corn.

- I'll herd you. - OK, great.

- You'll find the answers that you need. - Oh, that's great.

Uh, we can probably take it from here, sir. Thanks for your help.

Thanks, mate.

No, no, so- Yeah. We'll be in touch if we've got any more questions. Thank you.

- You can go. - Thanks, mate.

Thanks, mate.

Thanks.

I think that brother is the freakier brother.

My brother's pretty freaky. You met Adam?

- You introduced me to him. - Huh. It's a small world, isn't it?

That's not a coincidence, Minogue. You introduced me to him.

Exactly, and you grew up in completely different places, so how-?

- Hey, Minogue. Check that out. - Whoa.

So, uh, we appear to have come across a large circle within some crops.

- We're not quite sure what to call it. - Mm.

Actually looks like the cover of Led Zeppelin's Remasters album.

Great album.

It's an amazing album. There's a lot of rockers on there,

- which you can really get into. - Yeah, like in the car. - Yeah.

- Some really good tunes on that one, eh? - Oh, it's one of my favourites.

Not only did we listen to it there - and I haven't told you this before -

I've got this nice flokati rug that my mother bought me for Christmas,

so I get down into my, uh- my underwear and my singlet there,

and I just lie on my back and just sort of do a snow angel...

- Minogue- ...we should probably - ...and just sort of pretend even-

get in there and have a closer look at that.

Yep. No, that's a fair call.

- I mean, it's a good album, but... - That's a fair call.

Someone's gone to a lot of trouble.

Yeah, although... Either that, or Sergeant Maaka is right and it's, you know...

What? Aliens?

Extra-terresticles.

Well, it's very disrespectful to land in some perfectly good crops

when there's heaps of empty fields over there.

Mm. And I haven't liked farm crops ever since I

got lost in the Amazing Maze 'n Maize in Marton.

What's that, Minogue?

See, it's a labyrinth that was made out of corn.

No, what's that?

There's one there. There's one over there, over there...

They're everywhere.

- Look at this. - What is it?

Ever seen one of these before?

- What is that? - I dunno. Have you seen one?

- No. Poke it. - I've never seen it.

- Poke it? All right. - Yeah.

- Argh! Oh God. Ow! - You all right?

- No, not really, it- Ow, that really burns. - Ow!

- Bloody hell, she just... - My eyes! Ow.

...just poked it.

- Argh! - Oh, what did you do, Minogue?

You all right? Why did you do what I just did?

You know I look up to you, O'Leary.

Yeah, come on.

- I think I'm blind. - Look, follow me.

Let's get this back to Sergeant Maaka.

What the hell is it?

We came across this, um- this pod. It didn't

actually look like that when we found it, did it?

I don't think it was moving before. On further investigation-

- You advised that I give it a bit of a poke, to see- - Yep.

...what it was all about, and at that point, it

sort of emanated this sort of powdery substance

- into my face, at which point, you came on board. - Pretty much blinded O'Leary,

so I removed the pod from her hand immediately to try and make her a little bit safer.

I commenced my own investigation shortly afterwards, which involved

me also sticking my fingers right into the middle of it.

He did the same thing that I did.

I did the same thing and was shocked when I got exactly the same result.

We just wanted to let you know we found this pod, and there were others like it

- within, like, a circular pattern within some crops. - Mm-hm. Mm.

- So... - You mean like perfectly designed concentric circles

within some sort of interlocking pattern?

Yup.

Depending on what that means.

Uh, crop circles. OK, did it look like Led Zeppelin's Remasters?