The Bear

("It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Andy Williams playing)

Come on, guys, stop!

Hey. -Hi.

You okay, buddy?

-Yeah. Yeah?

Hmm. -Yeah.

-I love you, bear. -I love you, too, bear.

Maybe just, like,

like, don't do it to yourself?

It's not like I'm trying to.

But, you know, when you do that, it just kinda, like...

does it to all of us?

-Michael. -Natalie.

Just don't ask her.

It's not like I wanna ask her.

I know, I know, but it's that thing, you know.

You ask somebody if they're okay,

they immediately start thinking they're not acting okay...

and that immediately makes them start not acting okay.

No one can make anyone else act a certain way.

Okay.

-Remember last year? Hmm.

-And the year before? -Yeah.

So I'm not fucking crazy.

Nobody thinks you're crazy. Nobody's saying that.

Well, she is.

Yeah, she's fuckin' out of her mind.

And here I am, just fucking in the middle

because you're you and Carmy's Carmy.

Okay, so then, just, you know, let us handle it.

-You won't handle it. No, we won't. Exactly.

That's my point.

With her, not handling it,

it's the best way to handle it.

I mean, where do you think she's at right now?

What, like at a four? A five?

She's not at a six, right?

Hmm. No.

I've heard you ask her three times tonight if she's alright.

You don't have to ask her every ten minutes if she's okay.

That's not gonna help anything.

Do you know how much I would love

to feel like I didn't have to ask her?

I bet you would love that very, very much.

-Yes, a lot. -Yeah. Yeah.

-I would love it a lot. -I'm sure.

Hey, you guys call me?

No, I just said you're you.

Hey, hey, Mikey, can you come inside and be you real quick?

I don't know how to deal with these people.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Let me see.

Thanks.

-(Fak yelling indistinctly) -Yo.

Is this some family shit I should know about?

No, it is not.

Give us a second, alright, cousin?

Alright.

Happy you're home, bear.

Would it kill you to pick up the phone?

Carm.

I'm happy you're home.

Okay?

I'm not gonna ask if she's okay.

-That's good. -Yeah.

Yeah.

Carm, will you handle Mom?

Yeah. I'll handle her.

Mikey, them?

I'm gonna handle 'em.

Our Mother of Victory.

Pray for us.

("All Alone on Christmas" by Darlene Love playing)

Carol, What would you like me to do with this?

Bend over and I'll show ya.

Well, it's fuckin' burning me.

Hey, new person, take this.

It's Steven, you met me a million times.

Come on, Lee, you met him a million times.

-Lee, I'm not touching it. Jimmy!

Tell, tell Carol to stop shouting at me.

Bro, why are you yelling?

You ever been burned with a fuckin' Dutch oven?

Here, Sugar, take this.

Fuck, I don't wanna take this.

Oh, you're so tough, I'll lay you out.

Hey, are you gonna lay me out?

Is that, like, what you're gonna do?

Enough. Way to handle them, Mikey.

I believe that I have the greatest

financial opportunity that you've ever heard.

Baseball cards are back.

-I'm telling you, money. We're making cash... We got a whole box.

All we need is $500 to buy a box.

My eBay is lit up. Notifications. Alerts.

Can I stop you one second?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

How many fucking Faks are there?

Well, there's Kenny and Sammy and Susan,

and then Frank, Francie,

-and then there's Doug. A good amount of us.

-Gary. -A lot. Okay. Back to the pitch.

Listen, no, back to the pitch. We got, we got, we got,

we got Ken Griffey.

There's Lenny Dykstra.

We got, you know, Jay Buhner.

We got Vance Law.

-Oh, my God. Yeah.

Tell me you got Mickey fuckin' Morandini.

Of course! Of course we do.

-They're all in the box! -(overlapping chatter)

But we need, we need $500.

-You've got Morandini? $500.

-Yeah! We've got Morandini.

-We need $500. Copy and paste.

To turn into $1,500

-within a couple months. Couple months.

-Time out. Yeah, yeah.

Hold this so I can slap ya.

Stupidest fuckin' idea I ever heard.

Merry Christmas.

-Do you think he's in? -Do you think he's in?

Was that a business slap?

Yeah.

-(ringing) -Ma.

Carmen.

I'm spilling shit everywhere.

And I'm behind on the lobster.

Carmen, I have a question.

Is cousin Michelle's friend Steven, is he gay?

Is who gay? Ma. Ma, Ma, Ma.

Why are you doing the seven fishes thing?

-Nobody ever eats this shit. No, no, no.

Steven, is he gay? I mean, he seems kinda gay.

You know, he's arty and...

I mean, I love him and everything,

but he's gay, I think.

And it's tradition.

It's tradition that he's gay?

No. The seven fishes.

What the fuck do you think I've been doing this

since 4:00 this morning for?

Okay. Ma, hey, how can I help?

Uh, you can fix the forks.

Um, I just need some olives for the drinks.

I'm not gonna touch nothing.

Oh, my God. What smells so good?

-Oh, my God. That'd be me.

Is it you? -Check.

Come here.

-Oh, it is you. -(chuckles)

-Hey. Hey. -How are you?

-What's for dessert? -No, no, no, no.

You brought the cake.

Get the fuck out.

Hey, there. Yeah.

-Hey, Carmen. Yeah.

Stop giving me shit about it.

What? What?

I'm just trying to do a nice thing, honey.

Just-just stop, like, fucking with it.

Alright. alright. Forget it. Yeah. Just do it.

-Mrs. B, are our skateboards in here? No!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

-Faks, out, out, out. What's up, Carm?

Michael said that our skateboards were in here.

-How you doing, Ma? -Out, out.

This is a delicate operation.

Big Neil got us skateboards.

You make me hot. You make me very hot.

Do you think that we can sleepover--

There's no sleepovers at Christmas. What the fuck?

No, we can sleepover.

No, you can't sleepover on Christmas.

-No. Mm-mmm. No? No.

Big Neil got us skateboards.

You know what? Shut up.

-Michael! -Michael hid 'em.

Hey, Michael. Get in here. Mike?

Mike. -The Faks are asking me stupid things--

-Ma, are you good? Yeah, yeah, we're good.

-Ma, you-- Hey, hey, hey.

Can you, uh, can you grab some paper towels

from the garage, Sug?

-Yo, Mike, what's up? -(chatter continues)

How you doing? What's up, Mike?

-Yo, what's up, Mike? -You're like a grown man,

why are you looking for a fuckin' skateboard?

-I got a little side hustle. Do me a favor.

Go get some ice from the garage.

-On it. Okay. What was I doing?