Two and a Half Men

Alan.

Hurry up.

The girls are almost here, and I'’m a...

Sorry, just finishing up my costume.

Who the hell are you supposed to be?

You never saw Pretty in Pink?

Oh, right! You'’re Molly Ringwald.

Ha-ha. I-I'’m Duckie.

You know, the-the best friend, the-the scene stealer?

Some would say the true star of the film.

Who played him, Boy George?

Hey, what do you think about zombie Elvis, baby?

And don'’t be cruel.

It'’s great.

You look like both the impersonator at my wedding

and my ex-wife.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

What decays in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Oh, hey, uh, did your friend Stacy say anything

about the girl she'’s bringing for me?

Uh, just that she'’s supposed to be really cute,

and she just moved out here after a tough breakup.

Ooh, hot, lonely and damaged.

Duckie'’s getting lucky.

You know, if Duckie really wants to get lucky,

he'’ll tell the girls that he'’s someone that people remember.

Like Ferris Bueller.

Fine, you win again, Broderick.

God, you know what I love about Halloween?

You can put "slutty" in front of any job position,

and it becomes a costume.

Slutty nurse, slutty librarian, slutty lunch lady.

Hey, you didn'’t know Mrs. Goobadeck

from Mark Twain Elementary.

She rocked that hairnet.

: My chest.

Seriously? W-What'’s going on?

I don'’t know, I can'’t breathe, my chest is tight.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Here, here. Sit down.

Um... Oh. Uh, well, uh, don'’t worry.

I-I'’m sure this is nothing, but, uh...

I'’m going to call an ambulance, just in case.

Just, uh, just stay calm.

You'’re gonna be fine.

: Help! My friend is dying!

I can'’t settle down, I think he'’s having a heart attack.

Oh, my God, I'’m having a heart attack.

Oh. No, no.

I-I'’m just saying that to get them to hurry.

I'’m not just saying that.

I think he'’s headed toward the light.

I can'’t feel my left arm.

Um, uh, you'’re gonna be okay.

It'’s probably just gas. Try to fart!

Trick...

Or treat.

Oh, ladies. I'’m sorry, you just got here during a bit of a...

Ooh, I can see your nipples, officer.

Anything you see will be held against you.

And I'’m Harry Potter.

But I'’m not so hairy.

She'’s mine.

Didn'’t work!

Don'’t worry, we'’re almost to the hospital.

Sir, are you taking any medications?

Well, I take a generic Lipitor and a women'’s multi-vitamin.

I mean, just so you know, I take the women'’s

'’cause it has more iron.

Same price, more iron.

Yes, please.

Is he gonna be okay?

We'’re doing all we can, sir.

I can'’t believe this is happening, you know?

He'’s so young!

He leads such a healthy lifestyle...

Well, except for all the pot.

You know, the-the weed.

The... the ganja.

The ol'’ Mexican spinach.

Alan, if I live, I'’m going to kill you.

Stop it. You are gonna live.

Is he gonna live?

We'’re en route with a 35-year-old male.

BP is 160/94, pulse is 108.

And he'’s dressed as zombie Elvis, over!

I-I don'’t know if you guys need to know that.

They don'’t.

By the way, uh, I'’m dressed as...

Ferris Bueller?

Hey, hey, at least I took a chance with my costume.

I mean, Elvis and zombies.

It'’s real original.

Next year, it'’s vampire Obama.

: "Yes, we can!"

Excuse me, do you have anything for the pain?

In my ass?

I know, I know.

I'’m just... I'’m freaking out because I'’m worried.

I mean, you are my best friend.

And if something were to happen to you,

I don'’t know what I would do.

I mean, I-I'’ve already lost a brother.

I can'’t lose you, too!

A-And you'’re more of a brother than he was.

And now Jake'’s in the Army, and I'’m all alone.

And I don'’t do well when I'’m alone...

Here, breathe.

Thank you.

Am I crazy, or is, uh, something happening here?

Oh, good, uh, you made it.

Uh... Oh, I-I'’m sorry I pulled you out of your Halloween party,

I just figured you'’d want to...

I wasn'’t at a Halloween party.

I-I just assumed, since you'’re dressed...

So what happened?

I don'’t know.

We were about to go out,

and he got chest pains and suddenly collapsed.

Oh, wow.

He'’s so young.

So fit.

So not you.

Hope he'’s okay.

I never thought I'’d have a boss better than your brother,

but Walden is good people.

He'’s the best.

The guy has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met.

Yep, a heart of gold.

Clogged with arterial plaque.

You'’ve been a good friend to Walden.

He'’s lucky to have you.

He'’s lucky to have you, too, Sister Berta.

And, listen, um...

if, God forbid, the worst happens,

I-I just want you to know that, uh...

you'’ll always have a job at the house.

I mean, we'’d have to talk reduced salaries, but, uh...

What makes you think he'’d leave you the house?

I'’m his best friend.

There'’s nobody closer to him than me.

I clean his underwear.

I wearhis underwear.

Alan Harper?

Oh, oh, that'’s me.

I'’m Dr. Prajneep.

Your friend had a mild heart attack.

We put in a stent to clear the blockage.

Is that bad?

In general,

a heart attack is bad.

But, uh, he should make a full recovery.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, that is a huge relief.

Um, is there anything we should do at home?

I just want to make sure he has all the care he needs.

Uh, any special diet, exercises, medications?

If it'’d help,

I'’d chew up his food and feed him like a baby bird.

How could that possibly help?

I'’ll tell you what doesn'’t help-- that tone.

Can we see him?

Soon as he'’s in recovery.

Any other questions?

Uh, no, we'’re just happy that he'’s gonna be okay.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

By the way, Ferris Bueller is my favorite movie.

Wait, B-Berta. W-Where are you going?

We'’re not supposed to go back there yet.

I'’m a nun at a hospital.

I can do whatever the hell I want.

I'’m dead.

And I'’m in hell.

Relax.

You'’re in the hospital.

You had a mild heart attack, but you'’re gonna be fine.

I don'’t feel very good.

That'’s because they put a stent in your heart.

But also I feel really good.

That'’s because they put morphine in your veins.

We should start keeping morphine in the house.

I know a guy.

Berta, you'’re so funny.

I would'’ve missed you so much if I would'’ve died.

Oh, oh, but you don'’t have to worry about that.

Y-You'’re not going anywhere.

I love you guys.

We love you, too.

You know, when I think about it,

you guys are my only real family.

Oh, Walden, that'’s so...

Horrible.

Okay.

Saved your life, but whatever.

My life is pathetic.

I mean, thank you guys so much for being here.

But you'’re not good enough!

Okay, now it sounds like my family.

Um...