Parks and Recreation

THIS IS A FOR-CERTAIN, OKAY?

I CREATE A GAME SHOW. TWO PEOPLE ON STAGE, RIGHT?

THEY FLIP A COIN.

ONE OF THEM HAS TO PERFORM OPEN HEART SURGERY.

THE OTHER ONE HAS TO RECEIVE OPEN HEART SURGERY.

WE CALL IT... OPEN HEART SURGERY.

- HOW ABOUT THIS--YOU BUY A GULFSTREAM G4 JET.

- ALREADY INTERESTED. - TAKE THE WHEELS OFF.

GET 'EM OFF OF THERE.

- TURN THE JET INTO AN APARTMENT BUILDING.

AND PEOPLE COULD LIVE INSIDE THEIR OWN PRIVATE JET.

WE'RE CURRENTLY COMING UP WITH BUSINESS IDEAS

FOR JEAN-RALPHIO, 'CAUSE AS OF TODAY,

HIS BANK ACCOUNT IS BLOWING UP.

I MADE MY MONEY

* I GOT RUN OVER BY A LEXUS *

- I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WON ALL THAT MONEY

IN THE LAWSUIT.

YOU BARELY GOT HURT AT ALL.

- DO YOU WANNA GET RUN OVER? BECAUSE I KNOW A GUY.

SUPER GENTLE. MINOR SCRAPES AND BRUISES.

MAJOR DOLLARS AND CENTS.

- I GOT IT. WHAT ARE YOU AMAZING AT?

- I KNOW IT. WE BOTH KNOW IT.

LET'S JUST SAY IT AT THE SAME TIME.

both: CREATING A SPECTACLE. - NO, I GOT IT.

YOU CREATE PAWNEE'S FIRST AND ONLY

HIGH-END, ALL-MEDIA ENTERTAINMENT CONGLOMERATE.

- THAT'S ABSOLUTELY WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

- IT MEANS AUDIO, VIDEO, MOVIES.

- YEAH. - 3-D MOVIES.

NIGHTCLUBS, iPHONE APPS.

IF IT'S ENTERTAINMENT, YOU'RE INVOLVED.

- YES, OF COURSE I AM. - AND YOU CALL IT...

ENTERTAINMENT 7WENTY.

- NOOOO! WHY? WHY?

YOU GOTTA STOP SCREAMING.

- I WILL. I JUST GET EXCITED.

WHY DO WE CALL IT ENTERTAINMENT 7WENTY?

- 'CAUSE YOU'RE WILLING TO GO AROUND THE WORLD TWICE

FOR YOUR CLIENTS.

- THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE! BUT LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO ME.

I'M GONNA NEED YOU ON MY TEAM

TO PULL THIS OFF, ALL RIGHT?

I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU.

- I DON'T KNOW, MAN. I-I CAN'T.

I'D HAVE TO QUIT MY JOB.

OKAY, I'LL DO IT WITHOUT YOU.

*

- I HAVE SOME VERY IMPORTANT NEWS

ABOUT OUR FAVORITE MINI-HORSE, LI'L SEBASTIAN.

- YEA! - LI'L SEBASTIAN!

HE DIED LAST NIGHT.

- NO. -

- BUT WE CAN TAKE COMFORT IN THE FACT

THAT HE IS IN HEAVEN NOW,

DOING THE TWO THINGS HE LOVES DOING THE MOST.

EATING CARROTS AND URINATING FREELY.

WHEN I WALKED IN THIS MORNING

AND SAW THE FLAG WAS AT HALF-MAST,

I THOUGHT, "ALL RIGHT.

ANOTHER BUREAUCRAT ATE IT."

BUT THEN I FOUND OUT IT WAS LI'L SEBASTIAN.

HALF-MAST IS TOO HIGH.

SHOW SOME DAMNED RESPECT.

- BECAUSE OF ALL HE'S DONE FOR THE TOWN,

WE ARE GONNA BE HOLDING

A SMALL MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR HIM.

BUT FOR NOW,

I THINK WE SHOULD BOW OUR HEADS IN A MOMENT OF SILENCE.

* HAVE A GOOD TIME

* THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING A WOMAN *

* IS THE PREROGATIVE TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN, YEAH *

* OH-OH OH, OH

* WE'RE TOTALLY CRAZY

* GIVE HIM A LADY

I GOT IT, THANK YOU.

IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS WHEN SOMEONE OR SOME HORSE PASSES

THAT YOU REALLY TAKE STOCK OF YOUR LIFE.

YOU LOOK AROUND YOU AND YOU START TO REALIZE

WHAT IT IS THAT YOU TRULY CARE ABOUT.

FOR LI'L SEBASTIAN,

I IMAGINE IT WAS GOOD, FRESH OATS,

A TROUGH OF WATER, AND A WILLING SEXUAL PARTNER.

OR NON-WILLING.

HE WAS A HORSE, SO I THINK THEY HAD TO DO IT EITHER WAY.

HEY.

HEY, ANN, HOW'S IT GOING?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND.

I KNOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET LESLIE HERE.

- BUT I'M ALSO CURIOUS ABOUT HOW IT'S GOING.

MM-HMM. LESLIE'S BUSY.

SHE'S WORKING ON THE LI'L SEBASTIAN MEMORIAL SERVICE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE GAVE ME THIS NOTE...

TO GIVE TO YOU.

AND SHE ALSO WANTED ME TO KISS YOU DEEPLY,

WHICH I'M GONNA HAVE TO PASS ON.

HA, OKAY.

- I REALLY LIKE MY NEW PART-TIME JOB HERE.

MY OFFICEMATE MOVED DOWN THE HALL,

SO I HAVE THIS WHOLE ROOM JUST FOR ME.

AND BEN AND LESLIE WHO SECRETLY MEET HERE...

40 TIMES A DAY.

SHE DREW A KISS MONSTER.

ON THE--ON THE NOTE. - YEAH.

- LOOK, YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY WELCOME TO USE MY OFFICE.

JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING ON MY...DESK.

- OH, WE DON'T... YOU KNOW.

WE JUST LIKE TO WORK IN THE SAME PLACE

AND THEN WE TALK AND HOLD HANDS.

- YUCK. THAT'S SOMEHOW WORSE.

- YEAH, IT SOUNDED BAD WHEN I SAID IT.

- FROM NOW ON, WE STOP MOURNING LI'L SEBASTIAN'S DEATH

AND WE START CELEBRATING HIS LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT HE WOULD'VE WANTED. - AMEN!

WE NEED TO SEND THAT GLORIOUS BEAST INTO THE GREAT BEYOND

WITH A DISPLAY THAT RIVALS THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW.

ALSO, THE BUDGET IS $600.

- SO MAINTENANCE IS GONNA SET UP THE STAGE.

RON WILL BE LAYING THE CEREMONIAL WREATH.

- UH, LESLIE, THERE'S A 13TH CENTURY ITALIAN POEM

BY DANTE ALIGHIERI

THAT WOULD BE VERY APPROPRIATE.

- OH, JERRY, THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.

OKAY, ANDY, I NEED YOU TO WRITE A MEMORIAL SONG.

SOMETHING LIKE CANDLE IN THE WIND

BUT 5,000 TIMES BETTER.

EASY.

- HEY, IF YOU WANT A SONG FROM ANDY DWYER,

LEAD SINGER OF MOUSE RAT, YOU SHOULD KNOW

HE DOESN'T GET OUT OF BED FOR LESS THAN $1,000.

- WELL, HE SLEEPS ON A FUTON, SO WE CAN GIVE HIM 50 BUCKS.

SOLD.

- OKAY, HERE IS A MEMO WITH SOME FACTS

ABOUT LI'L SEBASTIAN.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND YOURS PARTICULARLY INTERESTING.

IT'S JUST A LIST OF FACTS.

HMM?

- OKAY, MINE SAYS, "YOU HAVE A CUTE BUTT."

HM?

- THAT'S WEIRD. MUST BE A TYPO.

- YEAH, JERRY, IT'S PROBABLY A TYPO,

BECAUSE IT PROBABLY SHOULD'VE SAID,

"YOU HAVE A CUBE BUTT."

- 'CAUSE YOUR BUTT'S SHAPED LIKE A CUBE.

YEAH.

- THE QUESTION IS, WHY IS MY MEMO DIFFERENT

THAN EVERYONE ELSE'S?

- CUBE BUTT, CUBE BUTT.

all: CUBE BUTT, CUBE BUTT.

CUBE BUTT, CUBE BUTT, CUBE BUTT.

WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS

THIS IS JUST TENDONITIS.

HOW IS THAT GOOD NEWS?

- THE OTHER OPTION WAS SHOULDER CANCER.

- REALLY? - NO.

LOOK, YOU EXERCISE A LOT. YOU'RE IN GREAT SHAPE.

LITTLE THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN WITH MEN OF YOUR AGE.

MEN OF MY AGE?

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?

- 42. - HA.

- I AM 44, AND I PLAN TO LIVE TO BE 150.

OKAY.

SO. WHAT'S THE CURE?

- GET A TIME MACHINE. GO BACK TO BEING 20.

- DR. HARRIS, YOU ARE LITERALLY

THE MEANEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET.

- OKAY, ALL THE PERMITS CLEARED FOR THE...

HORSE FUNERAL.

WHAT WAS THAT TONE?

- WHAT? OH, NOTHING.

I'M--I'M VERY SAD... ABOUT THIS.

- QUESTION! WHO'S A GENIUS?

TOM HAVERFORD.

JEAN-RALPHIO JUST STARTED

AN EXCLUSIVE, HIGH-END PRODUCTION COMPANY,

AND HE'S WILLING TO PUT ON

LI'L SEBASTIAN'S MEMORIAL SERVICE

PRO BONO, JUST FOR THE PUB.

PUB IS AN ABBREVIATION FOR PUBLICITY.

JEAN-RALPHIO IS A CLOWN.

THIS IS THE MEMORIAL FOR LI'L SEBASTIAN,

NOT DOUBLE-COUPON NIGHT AT A STRIP CLUB.

- FIRST OFF, DOUBLE-COUPON NIGHT

IS AN INCREDIBLE VALUE.

SECONDLY, THIS GUY JUST STARTED A BUSINESS.

HE'S MY FRIEND. IT WOULD REALLY HELP HIM OUT.

PLUS, I'M GONNA OVERSEE EVERYTHING

AND MAKE SURE IT GOES GREAT.

- OKAY, TOM, WE TRUST YOU.

MAKE US PROUD.

MAKE HIM PROUD.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST PHOTOSHOP THAT OUT?

OH, HI, ANN PERKINS.

- HI. HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M DYING. - WHAT?

- TENDONITIS. - OH.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SHOULD LEAD WITH "I'M DYING."

- YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.