Plebs

So, you know how I'm running the marathon?

Yeah, cos you've not shut up about it.

Cos you still haven't sponsored me.

I can't get me head around it.

Why would anyone run if they weren't being chased?

It's for charity. I'm running for Save The Lepers.

Are they actual lepers or just social lepers like yourself?

Oh, yeah. Ha-ha-ha!

Some of them are very seriously disfigured.

The money I raise will pay for them to be quarantined.

That's not saving them.

That saves you from having to look at them.

It's saving everyone.

Why have you put your occupation as head barman?

That's not important.

It's important to the head barman. I'll cross it out.

- Don't tamper with my form. - Woah!

Your parents are giving ten Denarii per mile?

- What? That is shitloads. - No, that's standard.

Hang on. "Per mile" is written in a different ink.

- I don't think so. - You tampered with the form.

- They were being stingy. - You sly bastard.

Are you gonna put anything on my form?

- Obviously not. - I already said no.

I've drawn a cock and balls.

A severed cock and balls.

That looks like a hate crime against lepers.

Thank you very much.

Grumio, the people on table three

are still waiting for their apple pie.

Oh, yeah. They might be waiting a while.

Here, check this out. Some twat in a pram dropped it outside.

Check out what?

An oaf covered in crumbs blowing a paper toy?

Yeah, but look how fast I can make it go.

I'm probably setting a record.

For what? Being the world's shittest slave?

Probably, yeah.

For the price of just one glass of wine,

we could clothe a whole family of lepers.

Woah! Hey, sorry, you can't do that in here.

I'll have to ask you to leave.

But I'm fundraising for the Make A Leper Smile Foundation.

Good for you. But you're asking my customers

to spend their money on lepers rather than wine.

Wow! OK, that's rather uncharitable of you.

Many of these lepers have nothing, you realise?

Mm-hm. And I've got debts. I've got less than nothing

and I do enough charity work as it is,

looking after that one there, so...

Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise.

Oh, he's adorable. What's his name?

His name's Grumio. He's basically a human barnacle.

Hey, Grumio. Hey, darling.

Oh, bless! Oh, I bet he's a real handful.

You have no idea.

Well, I hope you get financial support for all you do.

No, but I really should.

Oh, you certainly should. Yes, being sole carer

for someone with such obvious disabilities can be so draining.

You're not joking?

Why would I joke about people less fortunate than ourselves?

Well, quite. It's no laughing matter.

So... Sorry, this financial support thingy,

do you happen to know how I might get that?

Well, you have to have a very high tolerance

- for filling in boring forms. - Ah!

I actually used to work for a major donkey charity,

so I could guide you through it if you like.

That would be great.

On second thoughts, you're welcome to stay.

Oh!

I'd be pleased with anything under four hours.

Four hours?

You gonna be doing it on your hands and knees?

That's a solid marathon time.

Mate, I've had relationships shorter than that.

Well, clearly you know nothing about

running or relationships.

Oh, yeah? So how come I won medals, then,

in running, not relationships.

When was this? Under sevens, under eights?

- Under 11s, actually. - Ha!

So what? They used to call me Jase the Pace.

So, you were a child. It doesn't count.

Of course it counts.

God-given talent like mine never goes away.

Well, enter the marathon, then.

I would love to see Jase the Pace in action.

You'd have to make do with seeing him

- as a speck in the distance. - Oh, big chat.

How about, whoever comes first gets to be head barman?

- I'm already head barman. - And wear a massive crown.

OK, bring it!

Oh, I've brought it. Consider it brought.

So, as soon as we've got that all-important certificate

from the Marathon Board, you can start fundraising.

I really do appreciate this, Diana.

As does Grumio, in his own way.

Oh, stop it! As soon as I stared into

his vacant yet wise eyes, I knew I had to help.

Now, name of charity?

I've gone with The Grumio Foundation.

Oh, nice. Catchy!

Purpose of charity? Caring for those suffering

from the affliction known as Grumio Syndrome.

Right. That is just Grumio though, isn't it?

Currently, yes. Now, what would you say

were the symptoms of Grumio Syndrome?

Erm... OK. He gets very hungry.

Oh, bless! So, acute hunger.

- And he's always tired. - Chronic fatigue.

I'd also add grumpiness, and... is ingratitude a symptom?

I don't think so, no. But we've got plenty to go on,

and the panel will get a much better picture

once they meet him in person.

Hm... So they actually have to meet him, do they?

Yes, of course.

They can hardly endorse the Grumio Foundation

without meeting Grumio.

Yeah. It's just... I should have said:

Another symptom of his syndrome is shyness.

- Oh! - Both acute and chronic,

so panels are a bit of a no-no.

Well, we'll just have to make them a yes-yes.

I find, if it helps, the best way

to win over the mentally afflicted

is to turn everything into a game.

Wow! Grumio, you've got that thing really spinning.

Tell me about it. I've been doing some training of me own.

I can see.

In fact, there was a girl in the bar last night, Diana,

who saw you in action and was just blown away.

She'd love to introduce you to some people.

People? What people?

They're like a panel of judges,

who will see if you can break a record for blowing a windmill.

You mean, they're a windmill-blowing,

record-judging panel?

Exactly. And, if you won, you'd get a certificate.

Obviously I told her you wouldn't be interested.

You know, you don't do it for the awards or anything.

- I do it for the love. - Well, this is what I thought.

But, that being said,

when you achieve something extraordinary,

it's nice to have it recognised.

So, shall I tell her we're on, then?

Fine. Now give me some space.

I need to get back to me training.

Why-aye, stop that! What you trying to do?

Push the place over or something?

No, no, no. Stretching the old calves out.

- Part of my training regime. - Oh, regime? Regime? Very posh!

So what are we talking then?

Well, what I was thinking: Run to the sandwich shop,

get a bacon roll, then run back.

See, I wouldn't run just after eating, you lunatic.

- You'll give yourself a stitch. - Mm, yeah. Good point!

What about, run there,

eat my lunch and then just walk back?

See, I wouldn't run on an empty stomach either.

Yes. Well, maybe I'll just walk there as well.

Yeah, cheers, Landlord, that's a much better regime.

Any time, any time.

Consider me your personal trainer.

Cheers, boy!

Step it up, mate, you're losing.

I'm not losing. This isn't a race.

- You're at the back. - We're just training.

It's non-competitive.

Maybe I'll get my crown fitted now.

Excuse me, coming through.

Sorry, Phyllis. Excuse me. Thank you.

Sorry.

Everyone, this is Marcus and, of course, Grumio himself.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Grumio.

How are you feeling today?

Nervous, but also pretty psyched.

Huh! Good for you. We're all pretty psyched too.

Maybe you'd like to start by telling us a bit about yourself?

OK. Erm...

Grumio prefers to express himself

with actions rather than words.

He's brought something in he'd like to show you.

Oh, now that is splendid. Look at those colours.

Colours don't matter. They're just decoration.

Oh, right you are, champ. Silly me!

Why don't you just go for it? So the panel can check you out.

OK. Here we go.

Can I get a countdown, please?

Of course.

Three, two, one, go.

And... stop.

Did I win? Have I done it?

Where are the sleeves?

It's not supposed to have sleeves, you fool.

It's a state-of-the-art sports tunic.

I also bought these cushion soled running sandals. Uh-oh!

You can't intimidate me, boy.

You might have all the kit, but I've got the fit-ness.