Vampire's Kiss

I got up, took a shower, made myself coffee.

I kept telling myself, "I'll wake her up after I do this or this little step..."

No, that's not true really.

I knew I was going to delay waking her up for as long as possible.

What was it you really wanted?

I wanted her, same as always, I wanted her to disappear.

I wanted her to be the hell out of there.

And she got the hell out of there.

She took the hint. She woke up, you were fully dressed, ready to go to work.

More or less, yeah. She took the hint.

And yet, just the night before...

You wanted her very badly?

Yeah.

I know. Really badly.

He can stretch himself...

He can stretch himself from here to Ethiopia if he wants to.

- No. We said him already. - No. The Rubber Man.

He's the last of the Fantastic Four we've been searching for.

- The missing link, yes? - No. We already said him.

Oh, look. There's a taxi. Taxi!

We are not in need of coach service, my lady.

This is my kingdom, and my palace is but two blocks from here.

- Come on. - Be off...

Goddamn you, fuck. Cocksuckers!

Be off!

You fucking cocksuckers, fucks...

Fireball.

And the one that's made of big brown stones.

That's Brownstone Man.

No. That's not his name. It's Lighter Brown.

Maybe...

God, the telephone company.

How can I take home a girl who works for the phone company?

Go on. Go home.

I'm the director of personnel.

She hires those incompetents. Oh, no!

What do you do, Mr. Wise Guy?

Literature.

Yes...

Yes.

- You play chess? - Yeah, excellently.

Checkmate.

Does that mean you win?

All right, now. Just relax.

Right.

- Shit. - Shoo.

"Shoo?"

There's a... Never mind.

- Did you get it out? - Let's go.

If I'd known you had a fucking roommate...

Taxi!

Alva.

Yes, Mr. Loew.

All right, Frank Heatherton wants a copy of the first contract he had...

for the sale of his short story...

Rattlesnake Hills...

to Der Spiegel.

It seems that's the first foreign sale he's ever had...

and suddenly he wants to frame the agreement.

Now, the story was sold in 1963.

And I know that's a long time before either I was here or you were here...

but there is no reason why the agency shouldn't have a copy of it.

I already looked in the files under "Heatherton."

I looked under "Rattlesnake Hills"...

but I am asking you to go through the entire Der Spiegel file.

It is a very fat file and nothing is in order and it will take hours.

But it will be there.

Somewhere.

Please find it and bring it to me.

Yes, Mr. Loew.

Peter, Joel Reznick on 0-2.

Mr. Loew?

Mr. Loew, are you there?

Starting with your earliest years when you...

somehow were taught to expect...

something that wasn't even halfway attainable.

Peter.

- Well, I guess my time is up. - We have a couple more minutes.

You know...

lately...

you have always been telling me when our time is up.

And I just wonder if maybe...

Does it make you feel a little insecure when I'm saying...

- Well, what? - Nothing.

I was remembering...

I brought this girl up to my place the other night.

Really hot, you know. And we're on the bed.

Suddenly, this bat comes swooping down out of nowhere.

A bat?

Holy shit.

But this really happened.

This part, I don't know if this really happened or I dreamt it later.

I mean, I'm fighting this bat off all alone, and I'll be damned if I didn't get...

Really turned on.

- You were aroused? - Yeah.

But you said just a few seconds before you were in the throes of passion.

- I know. - So then you were aroused.

- With the girl? - Yes, with the girl.

Oh, sure. Absolutely.

But then she left the room and I was...

I mean, I came down.

I was in mortal combat with a fucking bat! Gimme a break.

Wait.

You were fighting off the bat...

and that's when you had this new feeling?

Then, yes. That is the precise order of events.

And on that note...

- See you on Tuesday. - Bye-bye.

Alva, I didn't see... Did you find that Heatherton contract?

I checked in the back files under "Heatherton"...

and "Rattlesnake Hills," like you said.

But I couldn't find it.

I guess I'm gonna have to look under the Der Spiegel files.

I told you that I already checked those files. I already checked them.

Sorry. I must have misunderstood. I'm gonna get right to it.

- I don't know. Maybe. - I really believe it.

It's inconceivable to me that you liked that.

Inconceivable? Jesus Christ. I must be a real disappointment to you.

My name's Gary. What's yours?

I don't save the amount I put in the other account.

Let's say I put $2,000 in the IRA.

That doesn't mean I'm gonna save $2,000 at income tax time.

It's more like $700. Right, Peter?

Yeah...

Plus, I get interest on the $2,000 in the other account.

Who would be interested?

I think I'd like to be the carpenter in Raise High the Roofbeam.

Did you get that joke?

No.

I love your earrings.

Thank you.

I'm Peter Loew.

Rachel.

God!

Okay.

Yes.

Yes.

Who are you?

It's all right.

You chose me.

What a glorious Sunday. How nice not to have to go in to work.

No comments on my coffee, please.

If you don't like it, I'll send out. I do it all the time.

Well, do you like it?

I gotta take a piss.

Hello, you have reached Peter.

I am not in at the moment, but if you leave your name...

your number and a brief message...

I'll get back to you just as soon as I can. Thank you.

Yeah, well you can forget about getting back to this girl.

You son of a bitch.

You don't just walk out on somebody like that. You bastard.

Don't you ever call me again.

You fuck! Fuck you!

Well fuck you, too, sister.

So. How was your weekend?

It was all right. You know. It was nothing earth-shattering.

Did you hurt yourself?

Just cut myself shaving.

Well, Peter...

why don't we begin where we left off last week?

You started to tell me about this strange feeling you had...

when this bat flew through the window of your apartment.

The feeling of exultation that you experienced.

You made it sound as though it were something more than sexual.

I don't...

really know what you're talking about. I don't remember.

You were very sure about it last weekend. It made a very strong impression.

Yes. Okay. I know.

I guess I was pretty horny.

Pretty keyed up from being with the girl right before.

I was drunk, too.

That was it.

I'd had a little to drink.

I was a little drunk.

Plus I was horny.

And have you seen this girl again?

No.

Frank Heatherton on 0-3.

All right. And Judy, send Alva in here right now.

Yes, Mr. Loew.

All right, Alva. That's Frank Heatherton on the phone. For me.

I'm sure he's calling about the Der Spiegel contract...

which he still hasn't gotten.

How do I know he hasn't gotten a copy of it?

Because I haven't sent it to him. Why haven't I sent it to him?

Because you haven't found it and brought it to me yet.

It's fucking Tuesday. I still don't see it here.

I don't see it here. Do you?

Alva?

No!

I'm going through the files. But I have a million other things to do.

I just want you to be here and listen to the song and dance that I have to do.

That I have to do because you haven't done your job.

Ready?

- Hi, Frank. How are you? - Hello, Peter. I'm just fine, thanks.

Listen, I won't hold you.

About that letter I sent...

requesting the copy of Rattlesnake Hills' sale to Der Spiegel.

There is absolutely no rush on that. I know it's an old contract.