Lovesick

You've tested positive for chlamydia.

You'll need to contact your previous sexual partners.

- All of them? - No, just the ones you like.

It's been 11 years since I lost my virginity and what have I got?

Apart from chlamydia.

I'm calling them. I'm thinking of visiting some of them.

Helen and Angus.

What about her? She's cute.

She's my best friend.

Have to start saving up again so you can all get drunk at the wedding!

You could still say something.

We've got to do something about Angus. Everything reminds him of Helen.

He sees a girl in a skirt? Helen wore skirts.

I eat my porridge with a spoon? Helen used to use a spoon.

It's killing me, Dylan!

- He's in a bad place. - He's in our place.

Yeah, he... He bought a clothes rail for the living room.

Feels quite permanent. - Mm-hm.

Yeah, I'll talk to him.

Hey, Angus?

Helen!

Erm, why don't you move into Evie's old room?

Oh, no thanks. I won't be here long.

It's just a blip.

It's been three months.

How was Mal and Evie's engagement party?

Erm, yeah, the bits I remember were fine.

Your phone's been ringing.

I picked up one, but, erm, the caller just shouted.

Probably one of the girls you rang.

Angus, you're not making any sense.

You came home from Evie's party very, very drunk

and, erm, started calling lots of women and saying sorry.

And then talking about condoms.

That's a lot of messages. - Mm.

Hi, Dylan, Anna Leslie here.

I got some of your message but then I think you were crying

and we got cut off, so could you call me on...

Hey, Caroline.

Yes, I'm nearly finished.

Yeah, his eyes are much sadder.

Honestly, there's no doubt at all that he's had a really shit life.

Sorry, an abusive life.

Yeah, I'll bring it round in the morning.

OK... OK, bye.

Cleo's in a bar and she knows I'm free for the evening.

One of you has to come with me.

Oi, come on! She thinks I'm an iceberg.

Like there's 90% more to me below the surface.

But it's just fish and ocean down there.

Yeah! And I'm fine with that. I know how awesome I am.

But see, Cleo's a thinker. She's clever and she has layers

and thinks everyone should have them. And when she discovers how shallow

I am, I will lose the best sex of my life, of all our lives.

And I can't go back to experiencing less pleasure, guys.

So I need to put some padding between Cleo, me, and reality.

And one of you needs to be that pad.

I reckon Dylan looks strong and absorbent.

Line my panties, Dyl.

Line my panties.

You tell some jokes, entertain Cleo's friend

and if anyone start digging deep, trying to get to know the real me...

- We run screaming for the hills. - Boom.

So how long have you known each other?

Oh, just ages. How about you and Cleo?

We're on the same part-time Masters course. Psychology.

Plumbing the hidden depths of people like Luke.

Ah, not me. I was actually born without a subconscious.

Erm, that would make you pure ego.

That's uncanny. You've nailed him!

No need to talk about me all evening.

Cleo, I like your haircut, for example.

Is it new... hair?

No, it's the same as it was on Monday.

Oh. Monday was nice, wasn't it?

I might nip to the loos and think about Monday.

Do you know where the...?

Yeah, I'll just, erm... show you.

Ah, erm... they've gone to have sex in the loos, haven't they?

Yeah, I'd say they'd be at least four minutes. Maybe three.

It's a bit of a grim venue though, no?

Yeah, I tried it once. Nearly broke an ankle.

But there's the whole 'your place or mine' thing. Ladies or gents?

And in the ladies, I heard everything smells like candyfloss.

Everything you heard is true.

: Breezeblocks by alt-J

Oh, hey!

Erm, Dylan, we should get going.

Erm, let's stay.

Erm, well, I mean, I want to, obviously.

But I've got that thing, remember?

Erm, no, it's fine. They called me. It's cancelled.

I f-find that very hard to believe, Dylan.

Why would I lie about it?

How about another round of drinks instead?

- I'm in. - Yeah. - (Iceberg!)

Come on, Luke. We never get to just sit and just talk.

Erm, yeah, listen, maybe I'll just call them to double-check.

- I might have got it wrong. - Thank you.

Fingers crossed I can stay.

So, did you bare your soul to Cleo?

Erm, we had sex in the toilet, and then I left.

Wow. That's like something out of Jane Austen.

Where's Dyl?

I imagine, true to form, he's having sex and then not leaving.

Some woman Cleo knows from her psychology course.

So, I'm not going to ask you up.

I-I don't want to come up. I want to go on a date.

Ha! Ah...

- You're too young for me. - It's this T-shirt, isn't it?

You know, in a suit, I could pass for mid-30s.

Which would still be too young!

Come over, then. No date, just, just dinner.

We'll, we'll hang out.

See, I haven't 'hung out' since my late 20s.

Can I at least ask Cleo?

OK.

Dinner sounds...

nice.

- Yes! - (LAUGHS)

Anna's a grown-up and this is just what slightly older people do.

The elderly.

They make dinner. I think it's to prove they've learnt how to cook.

Why invite Cleo over? It's very unsupportive, Dyl.

It's basically... It's Judas territory, is what it is.

Anna wanted her to come.

'Wanted?' Cleo 'wants' to see where I live!

She 'wants' to see my bedroom and draw conclusions about my personality.

That's why I've worked really hard to keep her away from this place.

Did you ever think Cleo might like you if she got to know you?

Erm, yeah, I've considered it, and it's definitely a no.

And now she's coming to motherfucking dinner!

And there's going to be... conversation.

Why are there five plates?

You're eating with us. I'm cooking actual food.

No, I've got work to do.

Oh, but look, hey, if there's any big news on school catchment areas

- or hip replacements, come and grab me. - Join us.

It's an experiment in not living like depraved, feckless children.

It's only four hours.

Four hours?

Oh, you are such an arsehole!

- Where are you going? - To neutralise my room!

Fuck it!

Hey! Great to see you, guys. Come on in.

Wow! - This place!

It's lovely, isn't it?

Really nice, erm, coats.

- Oh, thank you. - It's absolutely fine.

Maybe I'll just put those over there, actually.

So, will you give us the grand tour?

Will I ever.

Dylan.

Bathroom.

- This is where we keep Evie. - Oh, you moving out?

No. I keep my soft porn and Xbox games in boxes.

It's more convenient.

Cool.

Onwards.

And my room.

It's, erm... minimal.

Wine, sleep and philosophy. That's all I need.

Oh, that's interesting. Why?

Ah, talking about my feelings already

and we haven't even got you two a drink yet!

Can you show me around your room?

I'll, erm... go find those drinks.

How was the tour?

I think Cleo's still seeing Luke's room.

The ceiling, mostly.

Yeah, I'm thinking I might, erm, rent my own place soon.

Oh.

Or, erm, get a mortgage, you know... fixed rate of interest.

That kind of thing.

You? You've been thinking that?

Yep. - Oh.

So, you're going to get yourself onto the old property ladder?

Yeah, I've been considering it, yeah.

So you're just testing the market conditions before making a play?

Shall we move into the living room?

"YES!"

Tell me about your family.

I'm too naked to talk about my mum.

That sentence could be straight out of my Freud module.

I think I can smell dinner.

Hmm, I just smell sex.

No, it's definitely chicken. Let's go and eat.

: The Look By Metronomy

There's jambon and jamon there.

So, not just ham and ham?

Jambon, jamon and...

English ham.

All very grown up. Normally we just get plain ham.

It all looks delicious.

What do you think, Luke?

About ham? Hmm, I'm on the fence.

How can you not have an opinion on ham?

- You either like it or you don't! - Fine! I like it! So let's eat some.

And then there's roast chicken and pudding.

Oh, fuck off!