Nobodies

I didn't propose to Kristen Wiig!

He doesn't get it.

Larry, Jen gets that it was a misunderstanding,

but what hurts for her is to imagine you with another woman.

What about me having to imagine her

with Walter Schnitman?

Nothing happened with me and Walter, I told you that!

Well, even less happened with me and Kristen Wiig.

Which is a shame, because I love Kristen Wiig

and it would have been very fun for me to tell my friends

that one of my clients had been intimate with her.

It's not just Kristen.

It's your relationship

with all your Groundlings friends.

Why don't we talk about Rachael?

Now, that's interesting.

Jen, does Larry working so intimately

for so long with Rachel evoke feelings of jealousy in you?

Rachel Ramras?

No.

Um... Rachel's not Larry's type.

Can you imagine?

I'm not at all attracted to Rachel Ramras.

I mean... that would be like

being attracted to a monkey.

Oh, she is very simian, isn't she?

All teeth and hair.

You know who she reminds me of?

Who's the kid from "The Jungle Book"?

Mowgli, the little Indian boy.

Yes, Mowgli.

And somehow, even less feminine.

Okay, can we stop talking about Rachel Ramras?

I was talking about Rachael Harris.

Oh, my God.

You're still upset about that?

Rachael Harris, Rachael Harris.

How do I know that name?

We slept together one time.

That was before I even met you.

We had dinner with another couple, and this is recent.

And they asked us who everyone's hall pass was,

and Larry said Rachael Harris.

And you said Taye Diggs.

But I don't know Taye Diggs

and I've never had sex with Taye Diggs.

But I married you!

I mean, you gotta believe me when I tell you

there's zero reason for you to be threatened by Rachael Harris.

I never even see her anymore.

There would be no reason

for me to ever be around her.

Lady!

Rachael Harris!

How fun is this? I know.

Rachael Harris.

Oh, giddyup, cowboy.

I know. It makes no sense.

So you are Mrs. Dorf, huh?

Oh, it's every woman's fantasy.

How perfect is she as Jen?

You're perfect.

I'm serious, when I thought of you,

Melissa and CBS were like,

why did we not think of her sooner?

Oh, please.

I'm just excited to get to work with you guys

on something after all these years.

Aww.

And I love Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

How sexy is he?

Right, but you're married.

- Huh? - Hmm?

I mean...

Jen, jealousy is a feeling

and feelings are not always rational.

Sometimes when we can't see what's behind the curtain,

we have a tendency to imagine the worst.

So, Larry, what you need to do

is pull back the curtain on more of your life

and allow Jen to see what's behind it.

I've never even been to his office.

What a dick.

That's because you hate the show.

Well, it would still feel nice to be invited.

- Well, then you're invited. - Great, when?

Anytime she wants.

It's called "Open Dorf Policy."

You're Mrs. Dorf.

I just realized who Rachael Harris is.

She's got blonde hair, glasses, very sexy?

Yes.

No wonder you continue to masturbate to her.

I never said... I never said I...

What? I never said that.

No, I know.

I said it because I believe it.

And because you have the face of a chronic masturbator.

I mean, am I supposed to say all my lines

with a big ol' Texas accent?

Just do what you did for the table read.

It's a rehearsal.

Yeah, if Melissa doesn't like it, she'll let you know.

Hi, lovely people! Hello, hello, hello!

Look out! Oh, my gosh.

Hi there! (LAUGHING)

Oh, it's so fun.

Look at what you have done, these gorgeous sets

and this gorgeous cast, and...

This looks so good, it seems like it could direct itself.

But it can't!

Of course it can't. Because this takes a village.

I'm gonna trademark that. Apple box!

We all have to kind of switch modes.

I know this has so far been a party for all of us.

Thank you so much. What a sweet thought.

But now, it's time for business,

and it's the business of show, okay?

And when I take this hat off

and put on my director's hat,

things are going to change.

Now, rule number one is don't (BLEEP) with me.

You will hear that all day.

It will grow with intensity and I will never not mean it,

and I promise you that.

Do not (BLEEP) with me.

Hi, Rachael, oh!

Are you feeling under the weather?

Oh, no I'm... I'm fine, I'm fine.

That's... your choice. Okay.

Oh, no, no, no, it's my wardrobe.

A little makeup will help later.

So just keep it in mind.

We are not here to spitball ideas.

If you spit at me, I will come back at you

with a venom spit that will drop you to your knees.

We will not be throwing anything against any wall

because it will never stick!

Okay, and rule number two...

let's have fun.

- Okay. - (SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Oh, I don't know! Hugh?

- Hugh! - Uh, yes.

Thank you. How kind of you.

Steve, will you take... Thank you.

- Dave. - Thank you.

No, it's Melissa. You might want to...

You might wanna... You might wanna check your call sheet.

Oh, boy.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

You don't want to put that down, trust me, trust me.

Hold it, hold it, cradle it like a baby.

You'll thank me later.

Okay.

I think that's looking okay.

Now, why is this here?

The refrigerator? We're in the kitchen.

I'm aware that we're in the kitchen, Steve.

My question was, why is it here?

Because I hate it here.

We could get somebody to move it.

You know what?

Forget it. I'll do it.

I don't have enough on my plate.

I started as a P.A.

This'll just put me inside a... a different union.

This'll get me into the 44.

You want it done? You gotta do it your...

You just gotta do it yourself.

That's okay.

I didn't want any more kids anyway.

Okay.

Hello?

Hey, where is everyone?

We're on stage

rehearsing with Mussolini.

Rehearsing? Thanks for telling me.

You said you had therapy with Jen.

Well, it would still feel nice to be invited.

Well, it looks like

we'll never have sex again.

No, we just have to wait until my parents go to sleep.

Great, and then we're gonna pan over here

and we see Mary Ellen and Curtis

asleep on the couch and big laugh.

And big laugh!

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, okay, and then we come back to Larry and Jen.

7:30... same bedtime as the kids.

- That's convenient. - (CHUCKLES)

Cut. Stop...

Uh, Mark-Paul, what would you call that?

A kiss.

Just says... kiss.

Does it say a kiss from the 1950s?

Because, wow.

This is... I just want you

to put a little more... a little more something.

A little of the old M.P. into it.

- Okay. - Maybe... Maybe a little bit of tongue.