Two and a Half Men

Oh.

What are you doing, Alan?

Gazing at you in the morning light.

Aw, that's sweet.

And creepy.

I just... I can't remember

the last time we woke up together.

And we're not the only two up.

Cock-a-doodle-doo, you.

That's just creepy.

Where you going?

I have to pick Larry up from the airport.

Oh, have Larry take a cab and stay here with me.

I'll even give you $50 for the fare.

All right, all right, I'll walk you out.

Let me just tuck the old rooster back in the barn.

Oh.

Oh. Hi.

Jenny, this is Lyndsey.

This is Lyndsey, too. It's Leslie.

Oh, that's a pretty name.

I really enjoyed myself last night.

Well, I really enjoyed myself watching you enjoy yourself.

Oh. Wow.

Got a little traffic jam here.

"Pretty lady pileup on the PCH in Malibu.

I know at least one of them was rear-ended."

Sorry, girls.

This one's mine.

I'll see you. Okay. Bye.

Call me. Call me.

Call me.

I'm not calling.

I'm not calling.

She's not calling.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Ow. Ow.

Okay, okay. This is ridiculous. Why can't we go to a hotel?

Are you gonna spring for a room?

Traditionally, the mistress does not pay.

I'm sorry. I just don't have a lot of time,

and I have a lot of other errands to run.

So I'm just an errand?

No. But you are on my to-do list.

So what do you say we do it in the backseat?

Really? I'd say you're usually drunk

before you let me do... Alan.

I'm talking about the backseat of the car.

Oh. Oh, sorry. Sure.

Oh, there's a box of stuff back here.

Just shove that junk in the trunk.

I'm getting a lot of mixed messages here.

Wh-What is this stuff anyway?

Bunch of old clothes of Larry's.

I'm giving them to Goodwill after I squeeze you in.

I did that one on purpose.

Mmm. This is nice stuff.

I have to bring some stuff to Goodwill.

Why don't I just take this, too?

Really? What do you have to bring to Goodwill?

Uh, all of my old clothes 'cause I just got a new wardrobe.

Morning.

Afternoon.

Oh, thank God. I thought I was drinking in the morning.

Jenny...

where do you see yourself in five years?

Little house on the beach in Hawaii with Kate Upton.

Wait, Kate Upton's straight.

Give me two weeks.

What I'm saying is, you didn't just move out here

to party and drink, did you?

Well, I want to be an actress, so...

yeah.

I mean, seriously, what are you doing about your career?

Are you looking for an agent?

Are you taking acting classes?

Oh, my God. If I squint,

you're, like, a prettier version of my mom.

I'm pointing out that it's the middle of the day

and you stl haven't done a single thing yet.

I could say the same thing about you.

Oh. There.

I just sold a company for $25 million.

Really?

No, I bought a Groupon for Indian food.

But it's still more than you've done.

Oh, oh, sorry.

What's that? Oh. Why, yes,

it is a $5,000 Armani suit.

Wow. $5,003 just walked into the room.

It's one of Larry's old suits.

He was gonna give it to charity, but I stole it just in time.

Alan, you're going to hell.

Yes, but you're going to Heaven, and I'll just be your plus-one.

Sweet. Somebody else for you to judge.

I'm gonna go Google Kate Upton.

You're already having sex with this guy's girlfriend.

Now you're wearing his clothes?

I know. How awesome am I?

I have a hot blonde girlfriend,

a closet full of designer clothes

and a beach house.

Where to begin?

Not your girlfriend, not your clothes

and-- how many times do I have to say this?--

it's not your beach house.

In fact, if you took away

everything that was Larry's or mine,

you'd be alone on the street in your underwear.

Actually, I'd be naked.

Please tell me you're wearing Larry's underwear and not mine.

Yes, they're Larry's.

Although my bug is a little snug in his rug.

King to rook four. Checkmate, Alan's penis.

I don't think I've ever said this.

In fact, I don't know if anyone has ever said this, but...

Alan Harper, you're better than this.

I'm just making the best of what I've got.

You know, when life gives you lemons,

you take theon's lemlothes

and have sex with his girlfriend.

Okay. Where do you see you and Lyndsey in five years?

Don't answer! It's a trap!

All I'm saying is, is you deserve a real relationship.

Well, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

First, I'd give them back to Larry.

And then I would tell Lyndsey that things have to change

and I want more, and if she can't give me what I want,

then I'm not gonna give her what she wants.

You do know what she wants, though, right?

Wham, wham, wham.

That was sex.

No, that was sad.

But you know what?

Hey, if you're happy, then so be it.

No, no, no. You're right. I'm-I'm gonna tell her that...

I want more, you know, that I'm not just a, you know,

human vibrator.

Although... how cool would that be?

How bad must this Larry guy be in bed?

That was amazing.

Tell your friends.

Although, were you buzzing at one point?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I was just trying something new.

No, no, whatever you did definitely worked.

Alan Harper, pleasing women since 2003.

That's when I got divorced.

You always make me laugh.

If that's the case, then be with me all the time.

What?

I want you back. I'm tired of being the other man.

Oh, don't do this. We're having such a good time.

Exactly. We have the best sex, I-I make you laugh...

Often simultaneously.

What could Larry possibly give you that I don't?

There's just something about him.

You'd have to know him to understand.

He-he satisfies a different part of me.

Point to it and I'll buzz it.

Alan, I know this is hard on you.

And, yes, I know I said "hard on."

I just want to see more of you.

Okay, how about this?

Larry takes spinning classes on Tuesday and Thursday nights.

You can see more of me then.

Fine.

But I am not gonna be

at your beck and call forever.

I have my dignity.

That would carry more weight if you weren't wearing

Larry's underwear.

Well, the joke's on you.

This is Walden's underwear.

You have a second?

I just finished my second.

What I need is a third.

I will fill your cup, but I will fill it

with knowledge, potential and opportunity.

But bourbon makes me feel smarter, prettier and taller.

What is this?

A friend of mine teaches an acting class,

and there is a spot for you. Really?

Yeah, this guy's the best.

Here, check out his credits.

CSI, urinating bum number three.

Dexter, headless victim number two.

That ain't easy.

Why are you doing this?

'Cause I like you.

And...

I don't want you to wake up one day and realize

that you've wasted your life and you have nothing to show for it.

What I'm saying is,

I don't want you to turn out like Alan.

I don't want two Alans.

I can't have two Alans.

Okay, all right, all right, all right. Calm down.

I'll-I'll go to the class, okay?

Thank you.