Hoops

Goddamn it!

Guys, the point is, is to get the ball to go through the hoop,

not miss it.

Hell yeah, dorks. Eat this!

OK, look.

The most important thing about shooting is the follow-through.

Let me show you how it's done.

All right, fuck. All right, here we go.

Fuckin' piece of sh...

Because everybody knows it's bad luck to end practice on a miss.

Oh, fuck me!

I'm just gonna make one really fast, and then we're done.

Well, hopefully, you got what I was trying to say.

Wow, Kirk! You found it!

The Pamela and Tommy Lee Sex Tape:

Uncensored.

The holy grail of amateur porn.

We haven't watched it since we were 11 years old.

Oh, that tape was so fucking good.

I almost didn't mind that it made me insecure

about the size of my dick for the rest of my life.

So you're sure Shannon has a VCR?

Yeah, she's got a VCR. My VCR.

I'm just gonna run in, and I'll grab it.

-Oh, nice. Ron's here. -Fuckin' Ron.

He said he had to leave practice early today for some night class.

Ooh, FaceTime! Bold choice.

Hey, I said you could bang my wife.

But lie to get out of work and bang my wife?

What the fuck, Ron?

I wasn't lying. I'm at an art class.

I can't talk right now.

It makes my belly move around.

Who are you, asshole?

So I have no clue who this guy is. It could be anyone.

Could be Verne Troyer.

Maybe she just wanted a bigger dick than yours.

I just don't get it.

What's Shannon getting from this guy's dick

that she can't get from my dick? Or Ron's dick.

Look, do you really wanna be the Lisa Nowak of this love triangle?

Who's Lisa Nowak?

She was an astronaut,

and when her boyfriend dumped her for another woman,

she drove 900 miles straight in an adult diaper.

Jesus, a diaper?

A diaper, Ben!

She hunted that woman down

and got herself arrested for kidnapping after she pepper-sprayed the cops.

She shit in the diaper?

In the diaper!

That's disgusting!

So, do you wanna be Lisa Nowak, a crazy old shitty lady astronaut,

or someone who minded their own damn business?

You're right. I want to be Lisa Nowak.

Oh, man. This shit is crazy.

They say these things could kill you,

but if smoking pineapple marijuana is wrong,

I don't wanna be right.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

He thinks he's better than us.

That's right. Get his tall ass!

God, it's like punching cottage cheese with arms.

Break it up! Break it up!

Matty, my star, my number one, are you OK?

Did these little runts hurt you? I can get rid of all of 'em.

They're all just placeholders until I can afford robots.

I was just minding my own business, and these little shits ganged up on me.

If I wanted to get bit by a fat kid, I'd just get my job back at Arby's.

I'm out of here, man! This sucks!

What the fuck is wrong with you guys?

Would the E Street Band beat up Bruce Springsteen?

You bet your fucking ass they wouldn't

'cause they would be shit without him.

You think people are lining up to see the geek from Conan beat on the drums?

But, Coach, Matty doesn't fit in.

He thinks he's better than us just because he's better than us.

Enough!

Matty is a valuable part of this team.

So unless you're all finally willing to take HGH like I fucking asked,

Matty is here to stay.

I know you guys are hanging out tonight,

so whatever the plan is, you're including Matty.

Oh, hey, Ben. Just wiping off my balls.

Which reminds me, Shannon says, "Hello."

-No time for bullshit, Ron. -

OK, but do you want to see a naked drawing of me?

It's very tastefully done.

Obviously.

See, now there's a dick I don't mind fuckin' my wife,

and you got a big dick.

But I'll tell you, Ron, you got a handsome dick.

Why thank you, kind sir.

Which brings me to my next point.

Shannon is cheating on us.

I saw her with another guy. Some son of a bitch.

I don't know who it is.

Wh... What?

No, no, no.

I can't believe she's cheating on me!

Now, you I can believe, but me?

I'm beginning to feel like this woman doesn't understand

the meaning of the word "commitment."

Oh, no one makes love to your wife behind my back.

-I mean, my girlfriend, your ex-wife. -My wife, your ex-girlfriend.

-No, my current girlfriend! -Let's get my wife back to you.

Oh, my little big man.

Hanging out with his best friends on a Friday.

These are not my friends, Mom. They're being forced to hang out with me.

Plus, they're weird.

Just go in there and be yourself.

Get out of your comfort zone.

I'm seven feet tall, Mom.

I don't have a comfort zone.

OK, tell you what.

I'll go in there with you, and we'll just...

I'll just get us... myself a glass of wine,

-and we'll just... I'll have so much fun. -Nope! Fine. I'm going. I'm going.

All right. I just... All right. I gotta just...

All right. Elbow out first, and then...

God, who designed this thing?

For a goddamn clown car.

Ron, I don't know what to say.

Beautiful ass, Ron.

I'm glad you're here. What'd you find on Shannon?

OK. I did some recon. I broke into her house last night.

She's got her AC set at 71 degrees.

I mean, that's way too high.

To me, the sweet spot is about 68 or 69 degrees.

But here's the thing: she might have a tropical plant

or, like, a thermostat that takes the temperature of the entire house

and makes it different in separate rooms.

And if either of those are true, I support the 71 degrees,

but I'll do more research to make sure.

Oh, wow, Kirk. Great stuff.

That's really interesting about the temperature and all the degrees,

but did you find one fucking thing I could use, you idiot?

Oh, I did indeed.

Her day planner says

she has an appointment at her house tonight with "D."

Wait. What's "D"?

"D?"

It's "dick," you idiot.

"D" means "dick."

She has an appointment tonight with "dick."

Gentlemen, what would you like to do?

-Let's get him! -Cut his dick off and eat it!

Uh, I mean, let's get him!

I'll be back in a second.

Ben? Why are you here?

'Cause we're about to Joey Greco your ass.

Ugh! Who in the hell is Joey Greco?

Who's Joey Greco?

He's the fuckin' host of Cheaters.

What? You don't watch the CW at four in the afternoon?

Ben?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait a second!

"D" is my dad?

My wife is fucking my dad?

Hi, I'm Brad Pitt.

Look at me. I'm Brad Pitt.

The Brad Pitt.

That's supposed to be Brad Pitt? It looks more like Jabba.

You mean Jabba the Hutt?

You gotta say the whole name. It's a title he's earned.

Oh, hey, guys.

Well, well! Lookie who decided to show up.

I didn't decide to show up.

Coach said it was mandatory.

Forget Matty. Look what I got.

Time to get fucked up.

How the hell are we supposed to get drunk off that little thing?

My sister says if you use tampons, you don't need much vodka.

Wasn't your sister in rehab?

Yeah, that's where she learned it.

-Well, that's cool! -Fuck, yeah!

Tight.

Ben... Barry and I are not having sex.

Great!

Sloppy seconds is one thing, but sloppy thirds would be pushing it.

Ben, Barry and I are not in any way together.

Barry's always been a mentor to me, and you know my dad's older,

and he's slowed down a bit now, so Barry's become like my second dad.

Yeah, that's true, Ace. Shannon's like the son I never had.

We have a special bond.

I forbid you two from hanging out anymore.

Ben, Barry is an important part of my life, and you're the opposite.

So we're gonna do whatever we want, and you can't stop us.

Shannon, Dad, if you guys are hangin', I'm staying.