Moone Boy

They say an army marches on its stomach,

and with the whole Moone and Dolan clan back under one roof,

it was left to Liam and Debra to fill the bellies

of their brimming battalion like a jolly big bursting colostomy bag.

This breakfast is in real danger of turning into a brunch, Dad.

You'd think we had no better options.

We should just invest in a trough and be done with it.

Or build a stable in the garden and take turns throwing them pigs' guts.

C'mon folks, less banter, more bacon.

Maybe we should put on our dinner jackets.

There's my no tip.

Martin had the joy of rooming with both Sinead and Trisha

since the Dolans returned.

Although the sisterly space became a little tense

when their special lady seasons synced.

What are you looking at?

Nothing. You look... normal.

You're putting too much on. You look like a spotty ghost.

How else am I supposed to cover them up?

Big paper bag over your head?

Do you want to die, boy? Well, get out, then.

Aw, balls! Fourth in the queue.

Lucky I just peed a bit in terror.

I think queuing for the toilet makes the house feel like a rock concert.

Like we're at Glaston-Boyle!

This is ridiculous. We were supposed to be out of here months ago.

I don't want to live in a house

where you need a wrist-band to use the toilet. I know.

I just need my one million-dollar idea to take off.

Yeah, but while we're waiting for Potato Patch Dolls to catch on...

Any minute! ..can't you just get some more shifts

playing music at the hospital?

I've asked, but of course everyone started pointing fingers

at muggins here when the patient suicide rate went up.

Look, don't worry, pet, I'll think of something. I promise.

Right after I have a nice quick bath.

Oh, for...!

Lads, I'd leave it. Couple of weeks at least.

See how things look in the new year.

That is classic Moone-Stock, baby!

Oh!

Dessie, did you have two baths again?

Restrain your bowels, my love - I've got huge news!

When I was in the tub there, waiting for my second bath to fill,

a vision came to me.

And it's a vision that's gonna make us rich!

I'm listening.

Everyone these days is talking computers, computers, computers.

It's all I hear.

I read an article in the Sacred Heart about them putting the Bible

on a computer and people reading it wherever they were in the world.

And it got me to thinking, this little planet of ours

is becoming social and I wanna get in there before the bubble bursts.

I want to be part of a network

that weaves together great ideas into a kind of...

Boyle Wide Web!

What are you talkin' about, Dessie?

Isn't it obvious? I'm going to open a Catholic bookshop!

Oh, balls. That's even better than what I was thinking.

They're never going to move out.

How quick do you think we could build that stable in the garden?

He's like JR Ewing, this fella. Why are you even here?

Liam makes a mighty brunch.

By the way, I'm lovin' the sexy ghost look.

Ha! Ow!

I think I'll go eat in the hall.

Hello, is that the bank? 'Might be.'

Do you have such a thing as a manager? 'Might do.'

This gig is getting all a bit moshpit-y for my liking, buddy.

We need to get our own space, away from those menstruating maniacs.

I'd love to, Sean, but relocating is really stressful. Mmm.

Arrghh! Me legs!

Arrghh! Me head!

Arrghh! Me eyes!

Hey! What about up there?

That's a nice comfy-looking ceiling, all right.

If only we could defeat our old nemesis, gravity.

No, no, I meant the attic, Martin.

Oh, right.

On a mission for planning permission, Liam went to do battle

with Boyle's most stringent building supervisor.

Ah! It's yourself, Liam.

Well, now. You look far too stressed for one so handsome.

How are ye, Gerry? Actually, I'm here on a bit of a business matter.

Oh, right. Let me retrieve that embrace I forced upon you.

Gone! I was looking for some advice on planning permission, Gerry.

Ask away.

We're looking to build an outhouse for some errant offspring.

Kind of a get-out-of-our-house house.

Well, what I wouldn't give for an overloaded dwelling, Liam.

It's an empty old home with the wife away.

Geraldine gone again, Ger? Another business trip with her boss.

That's nice. Where to this time? Paris, I think she said.

Paris?

What does she do again?

She's the secretary down at the dump.

Right.

Just her and her boss, is it? That's right.

But it's hard, Liam. Sure, they only got back from the Alps last Tuesday

and they're off to the Caribbean for Christmas.

Work is work, but it puts an awful strain on things.

Y'know, all the travel affects the old intimacy. Sex.

Yes. Got that, Ger.

She can barely look at me when she gets home, Liam.

The work has her so...

Shagged out, probably. Nail on the head.

You know, it might be worth talkin' to someone about that, Ger.

And with Debra doing the counselling thing...

That's right. I thought I saw one of her fliers in the phone box.

Maybe you could talk to her?

Hold on a second there now, Liam.

Hold on a second there now, Liam.

Are you trying to bribe me for planning with your wife's services?

That seems fair, actually.

Cup of tea and a bun? Yep.

Did I say bun? I meant peach schnapps.

Hey, Sean, are you sure no non-living lodgers live up here?

What, in the haunted attic? Surely not.

It's me! You're the one imagining me, ya big eejit!

Hey, beard-face!

Oh!

You scared the logic right outta me!

Hey, not too shabby.

I think we've found our new home, Sean Murphy.

Yeah. Oh...

And your old bed-wetting sheet.

Pretty gross.

Well...

I think it's a brilliant idea.

Books are all the rage.

It would actually be criminal of me NOT to give you a loan.

Well, that is music to my musical ears.

You'll be the first man to get a special deal on a new bible

when we're up and running.

No, no, no, no, no. Sure, I'm Jewish.

Oh.

Oh, well, Jesus was Jewish. We all make mistakes.

You got that right.

Now, loan-wise, what are we talking here?

Well, I've done some homework, and taking rent, inventory

and outventory into account...

Don't drown me with detail.

I thought this figure would see us through our first three months.

Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy.

This figure seems more realistic.

That's twice the number I was asking for.

It's the '90s, Des. There's plenty more where that came from.

It's just... I don't know how

I'll pay that amount back, Mr Leech.

# Double and deal It's a steal

# Double and deal Keepin' it real

# The interest rate is pretty high

# Double and deal Double and deal

# I'm worried 'bout my coffers dry

# But my empty palms just make me cry

# Double and deal Double and deal

And that's how Ireland did banking in the '90s.

How are ye, lads? We're looking for something nice and spacious,

but we don't want to take up too much of the garden.

Yeah, and we'd like it to flow. You know?

A kinda modern... flow.

Flow, right. Gotcha. OK.

Here's what I'm thinking.

Right, it's a south-facing aspect. So...

And then there's...

Ah, right.

That's good.

Um... is that it?

That's the overhead view. Ah, OK!

So what's the side view like?

Side view. Side view, side view.

I just think the whole flow...

This is the real one. I see where you're going.

Um... is there not going to be a window?

Oh, do you want a window? Ooh-la-la!

You do know we're not building a prison cell here, lads, right?

Ah, yeah. Sure, if it was a cell, there'd be a little toilet here.

Actually, that's good. Maybe we should have a toilet there.

Poo-la-la!

This is amazing, buddy. An actual place of our own.

It's even got that new room smell.

Oh, God!

Yeah, I'm hoping that'll go away.

Shame we couldn't get the old bed up here,