You're the Worst

From Ryan Murphy,

The Assassination of Gianni Versace.

Coming soon only on FX.

FXX presents "You're the Worst"...

Yes, I did choose to V.O.D. the film through your service,

but my end-user experience was unsatisfactory.

No, no. There was no lag time.

Everything was fine.

Well, you see, Mario,

the problem is The Babadook...

Yeah, it's not scary.

It's actually so scary.

- I'm gonna make you watch it. - Then why do you want a refund?

They just give you free shit.

I told U-verse that I got seizures from watching Legion...

They gave me six months NBA TV.

Yeah.

Shit-sticks.

Uh, hide. You can't be here.

Gretchen can be anywhere!

That crumplesack Neil is dropping off Olivia.

I'm not supposed to let a lover hang with the kid until Whitney

- meets her and approves. - I'll meet your ex-wife.

I'll meet anyone.

I met January Jones once.

Hey, Booner. Olivia ran next door

to play on the Coughlins' trampoline. Okay, bye.

Hey, so... I've started seeing someone.

She wants to meet Whitney.

Oh. Uh...

Our shared calendar says she's free this afternoon.

Shared calendar?

- Sorry. - Real mature.

- I said sorry. - Whatever.

Yes, Neil, I have a hot girlfriend

who likes it when I give it to her every day, hard,

sometimes twice.

So, have fun having zero sex ever.

Why are you like this?!

Maybe 'cause you're living in my house,

farting on my Tempur-Pedic, next to my wife,

you walking circumcision!

- You need therapy. - I don't...

You need therapy! You creepy little turd!

You jug of ball sweat!

This afternoon?

Okay, bring it on.

Once I get a gallon of tomato juice and beer in me,

I am hella charming.

She's gonna grill you.

Grill away, bitch.

This ranch tastes funny, boo.

We don't have ranch.

This week on "Tip of My Tongue..."

I guess I'd rename the Miracle Mile the, uh,

Cursed Kilometer.

Morning!

Katherine.

Hello.

Sssssso...

not that I regret last night...

I mean, on principle, I don't regret things,

not even buying tickets

to see Billy Bob Thornton's band, but...

But there are no sleepovers.

Got it. Won't happen again.

Well, it's been weird,

but ultimately delightful seeing you, Jimmy.

You're right, it got much bigger.

I'm just gonna get me coat.

Hey, guess who's about to buy his first brand-new car?

My main dude Max has a guy who sets up the loan

and delivers it to you like a pri-zza!

What the hell does Gretchen mean by this? "We need to talk."

There's a special circle in hell for people who say,

"We need to talk," instead of just talking.

Fire back, bruh.

I shall.

Yeah.

Take that.

Well, I'm off.

Where are you going?

Meeting a few mates for brunch.

Perfect. I need a mimosa or six.

Let me just put on some pants.

Nice.

Right?

Mommy, over here! Mommy! Mommy! Mom!

- This is so sweet. - Mom!

Sweet? No! Look!

You were doing foot sex with Lou Diamond Phillips

instead of paying attention to us!

Am I supposed to feel something about that?

Maybe regret that your daughters...

One more than the other, obviously...

are broken because of you.

Lou and I happened to have had explosive sexual chemistry.

He could make me climax by whispering in my ear.

You ignored us constantly. I played in the street,

I ate watch batteries, I went on a date with Edward Furlong.

But you're fine.

I am married to Vernon,

a man who shaves his pubic hair into the letter "V."

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

And I've got to get to the set.

Go.

Deal with your problems like normal people.

Split a Klonopin.

You saw the tape. We were... happy little girls.

How did we turn out like this?

Hey, did you ever hear from Lou after he and Mom broke up?

Never.

- Did you? - Not a peep.

Unless he's the one who's been leaving notes on my car

saying "learn how to park."

But it's weird. Isn't it?

He lived with us for, like, three years.

Yeah, he drove me to dressage every week in junior high,

and then he just... disappeared.

He wasn't there when I finally got Princess Pamplemousse

- to do the moonwalk. - That's what I'm saying:

he could have kept being our dad-not-dad,

but he straight bailed.

What if it's us?

What?

What if the reason Mom neglected us

and Lou vanished us is that we've always sucked?

No. No.

I was the perfect, special girl.

I...

Let's go ask him.

Mom misremembers everything about our childhoods.

She showed me a photo of her and Christina Ricci

on the set of Mermaids and told me it was us

on vacation in Orlando.

Yes! Let's do it.

Lou was always honest with us, no matter...

- And there's his dick. Okay. - Oh.

Gretchen.

Balls.

Yes. Gretchen is me.

I mean, I.

- Whitney. - Oh.

Hmm.

I... hope you don't mind, but I did a little research on you.

You post to Urban Dictionary a lot.

People got to know.

You don't want people walking around not knowing what you mean

when you tell them you just skunked a creamer.

Um, did you know there's a 14-year-old girl

with your name?

That is also me.

I use "Lil' Gretch" to catch pedophiles

and occasionally cyberbully Elle Fanning.

Can I get you ladies a drink?

Just an iced hibiscus tea.

I'll have a Long Island... juice.

Oh, sorry.

I got to take this.

What?

Hey.

Double shot of Patrón in my juice?

And if you narc on me, I will cut you.

Okay.

Sunday Funday,

better than a Monday!

Can only do it one way, and that is the drunk way!

- Gag. - Really.

My friends are all a bit posh. Try not to embarrass me.

I am here to binge drink,

read the Guardian on my phone, and stumble home.

I don't make friends.

Ooooh! This is Charlie, Mariel and Flynn.

- Guys, Jimmy. - Hello.

Oh, six mimosas.

Actually, just bring a bottle of champagne

- and a pitcher of juice. - Mm-hmm.

- What do you do, Jimmy? - Novelist.

- How do you know Katherine? - Back home.

Same question, politely directed back at you.

Well, actually, we all met after Mariel gave a TED Talk

about habit persistence.

I'm a macro-economist.

Halfway interesting. What about you two?

Architecture critic for the Times.

I work at JPL.

Tell Jimmy about your robot.

I don't want to bore the guy.

I'm building

a self-guided cryobot to drill the ice deposits on Mars.

- It's got spider legs. - What?!

- So, tell us about your book. - Oh, it's just a spank book.

Nobody's read it with dry hands.

Oh, you'll appreciate this.

I wrote most of it in a tree house I designed.

Hammered it together and everything, with the big nails.

Did you hear the ad for next week's "Tip of My Tongue"?

- That Tommy Vietor is so witty. - Hush.

So, what are you guys all doing later?

Heading to Pour Haus to taste their Uco Valley Malbecs.