The Dutchman

- You are immersed now in the modern myth,

but you are alone.

It is a peculiar sensation, this double consciousness,

this sense of always looking at yourself

through the eyes of others.

You ever feel your twoness

an American, a Black man?

Two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings,

two warring ideals in one dark body.

You're lost, Clay, but we can find you.

Don't you see?

Don't you see?

Don't you see?

So, Clay?

I feel like I,

I feel like you think I'm not really,

like you probably assume about me.

A lot of people do.

About a lot of Black people, Black men in particular.

It is just not what I'm going through, okay?

I, I, I don't mind there. Some of us don't really mind it.

I mean, I'm here.

I just,

anyway, nevermind.

Said everything I needed to say.

I had everything I feel, prepared to say.

- Clay's been under a lot of stress because of work.

And this fundraiser that we're hosting for his friend,

Warren's reelection.

- You know, Clay, everything you've just said,

which are all valid things,

but they all had to do with what other people think.

What I think you should say. Did you notice that?

- Shit, sorry, my, sorry. I thought I switched it off.

Do you see what I mean?

That's why this all happened in the first place.

He's always on his cell phone instead of talking to me.

Look what you were just saying

it's just, I just, no, it's just not it, so.

How does that make you feel?

- Well, it is nice for somebody to be asking me how I feel.

- You see that? You see that right there?

- No, don't do that. - Wow, okay.

- Can you not do that? - Fine, go, go.

- I feel like if he talked more, then we-

Talk to him.

If you talked more

and if he told me about what he was feeling,

what you were feeling, we could have avoided all of this

because we would've talked about it and I would've realized-

So it's my fault, Kaya?

I mean, all, all I have to do is just talk more

for you to not sleep with another man?

You already know what I'm going through with people at work

and in our community being not Black enough for one group

and two Black for the other.

I'm already struggling trying to find balance. And now this.

Clay is so manipulative.

- Would it make you feel better if you did it too?

Who are you, even?

- Kaya went out and explored, yet she remains with you.

She came back to you,

but you're struggling deeply with this and her choices.

What if he were to do the same?

- You gonna be like this tonight?

What? Happy.

Okay. Really

Depends.

Are you bringing him?

What? No.

Why are you bringing someone?

- No, Kaya, who would I bring? I have no one.

Well, here's your tie.

Thanks.

- I'm gonna change, so I'll see you up too?

Okay.

Hey.

- Let's see. Don't come, if you're gonna be like this.

Waiting for me, hey, Doc?

- Clay, I'd like to give you something.

- Respectfully, Doc, I'm gonna have to pass.

I don't take medication.

- It's not the medication you're thinking of.

Earlier you mentioned trying to find balance.

I know exactly what you mean.

Do you?

It seems like you've been on her side this whole time.

Do you feel divided, Clay?

I guess so, yeah.

- What do you struggle with the most?

Conformity and expectation? Identity and assimilation?

Anger or restraint? Vulnerability and violence?

- All of the above, I guess. Why do you ask?

- Because understanding these struggles can lead to freedom.

Have you ever heard of the play "Dutchman?"

This play came to me

during one of the darkest times in my life,

but sometimes we find pieces of ourselves in literature

that help us heal.

Do you see yourself on that train, Clay?

Trapped between who you really are and who you must be?

Don't you see?

Hey, Warren, what's good?

- Oh, everything is good. Crew's just setting up.

You know, you outside?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just leaving the doctor's office.

You okay?

- I don't know, man, I really feel

like I'm struggling with this Kaya thing.

- Hey, hold, hold on one sec. It, it's Dr. Bowers.

Hey, hey. - Hey.

- How are you, sweetheart? Oh, all right.

Say what you just said again.

It's nothing, man.

Don't worry.

Come on, man, I heard, Kaya.

I feel like she did her thing. Now you go do yours.

Turnabout's fair play.

Fair? Did she say that?

- No, but I'm sure she thought it.

What'd the doctor say?

- Man was trying to gimme something.

You think I'm really losing it?

Shit, maybe I am.

- No, no, whoa, whoa. You didn't take it, did you?

Are you kidding me?

- Good, 'cause it's game time, man.

I need you to get here and do your thing.

- Yeah. - All right?

- Oh, Warren, hello? - Yo, Clay?

Excuse me, sir,

do you mind stepping over here, please?

Now over here, sir, bag on the table.

- Opening scene underground.

Are you in a hurry?

What's so funny?

- In the flying underbelly of the city,

the subway heat and modern vein roads there.

(announcer speaking indistinctly)

- Weren't you staring at me through the window?

At the last stop? I saw you through the window.

Lula enters.

(passengers chatting indistinctly)

- This is a Bronx bound one train.

The next stop is Franklin Street.

- Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

(train wheels whirring continues)

- Hello? I'm gonna sit down, okay?

Yeah.

(train wheels whirring continues)

- Nothing out there except a black wall. Darkness.

Uh-huh.

- Better when you were staring at me through the window?

What?

- Weren't you staring at me through the window?

The last stop?

Staring at you?

- You do know what staring means, right?

- I, I saw you through the window

seems that you were the one staring at me.

I was.

(train wheels whirring continues)

Okay.

(train wheels whirring continues)

- I guess you were just taking those idle potshots.

Nothing else to do. Run your mind over people's flesh.

Chill out, okay?

(train wheels whirring continues)

- That's why I came looking through the window.

I even smiled at you.

Yeah, I saw.

- I even got onto this train, going some other way than mine

walked down the aisle searching you out.

Ha, oh, yeah, I doubt that.

- Why is that so hard to believe?

Everything's hard to believe.

But if that is true, it's hilarious.

I know what you were thinking.

You think I wanna pick you up,

get you to take me somewhere and fuck.

- You know, you, you asked me a lot of questions

and got just one for you, do I look like a sucker to you?

Hmm?

- You look like you've been trying to grow a beard.

That's exactly what you look like.

You look like you live in New Jersey with your parents