Bordertown

Well, well. Who do we have here?

- (grunts) - What the NASCAR?!

Adios.

You son of a bitch!

Stop!

Whoa! Ow!

- It's go time. - (siren wailing)

Gentlemen, we have finally found

the weakest link in the U.S. border security.

His name... is Bud Buckwald.

Prepare to move our largest heroin shipment ever

into the U.S. through Mexifornia.

Mom, I can't talk right now.

I'm working.

Your hairdresser was beheaded?

No, that wasn't me.

Guys, did we behead a hairdresser?

Our enemies killed your hairdresser.

They don't want you to date now that Dad has passed.

No, that's not just me being overprotective.

: Why can't you just be happy being a mom?

Whoa!

Hey, Ma, check it out.

For my next pageant, I decided I'm gonna do

"Good Ship Lollipop" like that crazy bitch

from a thousand years ago.

Ooh, that's great, Gert. Let's see it.

Not now, you dum-dum.

I'm creating buzz.

Janice, what the hell? Where's dinner?

You know what happens when my blood sugar drops.

Get the high-fructose corn syrup!

Thank God diabetes doesn't have any other symptoms.

Honey, I didn't make dinner because

the Gonzalezes invited us over for a barbecue.

Hola, Bud. I'm eavesdropping.

And you said yes?!

Bud, it's to celebrate J.C.'s engagement to your daughter,

so we're going.

Put on a shirt, Sanford.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?!

Yes, I would.

Okay, then.

Your happiness means the world to me.

Hola, Buckwalds.

So glad you could join us.

Bud, who's your 23-year-old girlfriend?

Stop coming on to my wife like a cartoon skunk.

Oh, your house is so lovely!

Oh, what the hell?

Your house can't be nicer than ours!

We've been in this country longer!

Oh, Bud, how can my house be nicer

when all of the neighborhood rats clearly prefer yours?

Get out of there!

Hey, that's my mom!

How can you afford that grill?

I've been trying to save up for one of them for years!

Well, when you work hard in America,

almost anything can happen. Right, J.C.?

How's that job search coming

after three degrees that wiped out my savings?

Actually, I have a job.

I'm a custodian.

You are?

Yes. Of Earth.

Our mother Gaia.

Oh. I was hoping you were the kind

that cleans up (bleep) for money.

Wow, nice place, Ernesto.

Yeah, great place, Gonzalez.

Too bad you got that dump next door.

Oh, uh, I'm sure by "dump,"

you mean lovely home with many fine details.

I thought that was a pile of leftover foreskins

comedically arranged to resemble a house.

Hey, Gert, what are you doing?

I'm almost five, George.

If I'm gonna be famous, I got to get on with it

and find me a sugar daddy.

Here's what I'm looking "fer":

_

You're asking a lot. The only famous Mexifornian

is that squirrel with the funny under-bite.

But he blew his fortune on acorns.

Who wants to hear a story about El Cucuy,

the most evil monster in all of Mexico?

El Cucuy is scary!

You want a real monster?

This guy is the most famous, powerful,

wealthy and evil drug lord in all of Mexico.

Oh, he got a kitty!

I must have him.

And that was the last time any of us ever saw a newspaper.

Welcome, neighbors. Maria and I

are so grateful you could all join us.

Looking around, I see what it is

I love so much about this country.

We've got a Native American, an Asian couple,

a, uh... where are you from, Zeet?

Yeah, that country.

And I even managed to find a white guy!

Is that some kind of insult?

We're still in charge!

We still have the vice presidency!

Oh, Bud, you are a crazy guy! I love it!

Oh! I got stung by a bee!

Oh, bee, you are a crazy guy!

I love it!

I'll deport all of you!

Don't think I can't do it!

- I swear to God! - (laughter)

Bud, don't get upset.

Nobody can understand you when you're upset.

God-ja! Stinging-dang-farthing foul!

Cherdnitting fonging fing! Crickindink!

Hey, I didn't know you were a wind talker.

What?

Bud, it's okay that Ernesto has nicer things than us.

We get by just fine.

Look, my great-grandfather founded this town.

And he didn't throw dynamite at a mountain full of Indians

just for his great-grandson to get shown up by an immigrant.

Well, Ernesto works two jobs

and runs his own landscaping business.

If it's that important to you,

maybe you should look for a second job.

Damn right I'm gonna find a second job!

I'm sick of having the worst house in the neighborhood.

God, this place sucks.

I'm sorry! Come back!

What's happening?

Why are Dad and House fighting?

Oh, Pablo.

Life with you would be so perfect.

Pretty soon, Jamie Logan won't be the only girl

in our class to have an adult boyfriend.

- Oh, hey, Bud. - Hey, Bryce.

Think you got an axe in your head.

Wha...?

Huh. Damn birds.

Some truce.

What are you looking at them classifieds for?

Oh, just looking for a second job.

Well, you know, a lot of Mexicans pick up extra work

as day laborers, hanging outside Garden Depot.

It must pay well, since so many of them do it.

Huh, maybe that's Ernesto's secret.

That's a great idea.

I'm tired of Ernesto always flaunting

the fact that he's doing better than me.

Look at him out there, with his perfectly coiffed hair,

always driving the latest convertible sports mower.

Hey, Bud!

He talked to me!

Okay, men, here is the plan:

I will lure our border agent friend away from his post,

then you drive the trucks across the border and into the U.S.

Now, remember, if you fail,

I'll kill you and your families.

Okay, team. Hands in.

Go, drugs!

Now, get out there and have fun.

Hey, Americans!

I'm entering your country illegally, you tiny-hatted,

chronically overweight, celebrity-obsessed

Facebook addicts!

You son of a bitch!

Only right-wing talk show hosts

know what's wrong with America!

That's right, come get me,

you carbon-spewing siesta haters!

You'll never outrun Lightning!

Buckwald, that horse hasn't been tamed.

- (Lightning neighs) - (Bud grunts)

He was blocking the road!

There was nothing we could do!

Please, Mr. Barracuda!

I'm afraid you've failed me for the last time.

Where's my Beheadsman?

Hey, boss!

Need me to behead someone?

Yes. Juan here.

Juan! That's a great name!

He seemed nice.

All right, see you guys later!

Perhaps this border agent

is more savvy than he appears.

Fortunately, there are other ways to gain his cooperation.