Mom

- Previously on Mom... - I got a job.

Really? Where?

At Harrah's. I'm gonna be a blackjack dealer.

Wait a minute. You're moving to Lake Tahoe?

Yeah, my friend Lindsay's dad is a pit boss

and he hooked us up. We're gonna share an apartment,

and go to dealer school. It'll be a blast.

But what about finishing college?

Making something of your life.

I am making something, money.

When people win at blackjack, they give you a tip.

So I figure all I got to do is make sure that they win.

Oh, God, she'll be stripping in a month.

- May I step in? - Have at it.

That sounds like a terrific plan, Violet.

Good luck.

That's how you step in? Step out.

What? She's an adult.

Maybe college isn't the right thing for her now.

So you'd rather have her deal blackjack?

No, it's a terrible idea, but let her find out for herself

that she's an idiot.

Thanks, Grandma.

_

Wow.

Someone thinks she's having sex tonight.

I better be having sex tonight.

It's been 14 months.

I think I might be a virgin again.

So who's gonna be working the jaws of life?

His name's Paul.

I met him in the Wednesday morning meeting.

He's 40, builds houses, never married, rescues dogs.

"Rescues dogs."

Checks all the boxes.

Yep, just one more to go.

You take care of business down there?

Are you kidding me?

I'm waxed like a ballroom floor.

Seriously, unless I take off his pants and find a store-bought vagina,

this guy's getting the ride of his life.

Oh, God, please don't be canceling,

- please don't be canceling. - It's your daughter.

- Let it go to voice mail... - Hey, Vi, it's your Grandma, what's up?

Ooh, you don't sound so good.

She's sick.

- How sick? - How sick?

- Mono? - What?

Have you seen a doctor?

Okay, okay, don't cry.

Of course I'll come take care of you.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Mommy's coming.

Just not the way she hoped.

Oh, hey.

Oh, my God, Paul, you're on time.

Another box checked.

Wow, you look great...

Mm, mm! Okay.

I'm sorry, I can't go out tonight.

I'll text you why from the car.

Short version, mono.

Not me, my daughter, I'm clean.

Big sloppy rain check coming at you.

She's serious, you're as good as done.

Wow, you just blew past a Maserati.

Just a rich douche bag who doesn't know how to drive.

Yeah, good point, y-you still might want to slow down.

- My daughter's sick. She needs me. - She just has mono.

That's what she admitted to over the phone.

For all I know, she's riddled with... Ebola.

Well, if that's the case, then there's no hurry.

By the time we get there, she'll be 90 pounds of soup.

Not funny.

Why are you making yourself crazy?

You used to get sick all the time

when you were a kid, I never panicked.

Just put on "I Love Lucy" and gave you a big glass of Tang.

And that's why I still buy my pants at Gap Kids.

Hey, don't put that on me.

Your father was a lawn dwarf.

- (siren wailing) - Oh-oh

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Pull up over here.

Damn, damn, damn.

Look at the bright side,

you're gonna crush the breathalyzer.

Do you know why I pulled you over?

Yes, I was speeding, but my daughter's

up in Lake Tahoe and she has mono.

I have to get there. She's all alone.

I'm sorry to hear that, but...

You don't understand, she was never there for me

so I'm trying to break the cycle of neglect.

Yeah, that's not really what this is about...

Tell him, Mom, tell him.

I was a horrible mother, Officer.

She was one step away from being a feral cat.

License and registration.

Yes, sir.

You been drinking?

Not since May 14, 2013.

I can prove it. I have a chip.

That's all right.

Wait here.

Oh, God, I can't afford a ticket.

There is a way to get out of it.

Don't even think it.

You're all waxed, you should use it

before you get five o'clock shadow.

Why don't you do Officer Handsome?

'Cause I look like ZZ Top down there.

Oh, hey, look,

the Maserati finally caught up to us.

And they're giving us the finger.

Douche bag!

Not you, Officer.

I can't believe it, a $200 ticket.

Just throw it away.

They never follow up on those things.

That's jury duty.

I don't think so.

25, 26, 27.

Wait, where's 28?

Violet's in 28.

I don't see a 28.

It has to be here.

And we're definitely in

Colony Two, Building Four?

You said Colony Four, Building Two.

I did not, I said...

Yeah, that is what I said.

- Are you getting a signal? - Not yet.

Should we go to the roof and navigate by the stars?

I keep thinking we're gonna come across the bones

of a dead pizza guy.

Honey, I promise we're in the building.

Can you hear your grandma screaming? Scream.

We are here! We are here!

Calm down, we're on our way.

- She heard me? - No.

- Oh, damn. - Now what?

We need to start rationing our supplies.

Oh, thank God.

I'm here, baby.

Thanks, kid. I'll let you know

if we need those show tickets.

Oh, honey, you're burning up.

I feel awful.

Hi, Vi.

Hey, Grandma.

What's with all the luggage?

Aren't you taking me home?

You are home.

No, I mean home home.

Where we live?

Yeah, I want to move back in with you guys.

But what about your roommate... What's her name, Sarah?

I thought you loved her.

Not anymore, she's a bitch.

'Sup.

- Who's that? - Sarah's boyfriend.

Does he have mono, too?

I don't know, I'm not a doctor.

I think I know why Sarah's a bitch.

Can we just go?

What about your job?

Don't you need to call someone?

Tell them you'll be out for awhile?

: Why are you asking me so many questions?

Okay, okay. Let's get you home.

Where did you park?

In the parking structure.

Which one?

Oh, God.

Wait here, I'll find the kid.

Little boy!

Little boy!

- How's she doing? - Out like a light.

Man, I miss NyQuil.

- Poor baby. - Poor baby my ass.

I'm telling you, we're driving a getaway car.

What are you talking about? She's very sick.

Oh, I believe she's sick.

I just think there's something else going on here.

Like what?

Think about it... all of a sudden she wants to move back in with you?

Now, correct me if I'm wrong,

but last we checked, she hates you.

Maybe she's outgrown that.

Maybe my daughter's come to appreciate me.

Yeah, and maybe she wasn't banging

her roommate's boyfriend.

You just think the worst about everybody.

Yeah, and I'm right 98% of the time.

Well, we'll just see.

Yeah, I'll tell you what you're gonna see.

You're gonna see my, "I told you so" face.

Ugh.

God.