Two and a Half Men

Previously on:

Oh, Charlie.

I would have given anything to be like you.

Even for a day.

I'm Melanie.

Nice to meet you, Melanie.

I'm...

Charlie.

Charlie Harper.

Whoa. Look who's getting busy.

Hey.

He's acting like my Uncle Charlie.

He's even dressing like my Uncle Charlie.

People are really worried about you.

The only reason people are worried about me

is 'cause they can't wrap their heads around how cool I am.

I'm fine. What's your name?

Charlie Harper. You're not fine.

I've got a great idea.

You and me, Vegas.

This doesn't look like the Bellagio.

Uh, it's the, uh, back entrance.

Hello, Mr. Harper.

If you could, just come with us.

Uh, don't forget my bags.

And we'll be going to the presidential suite?

Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, I'm going to need a bucket of ice,

a bottle of scotch and two Asian hookers.

Yes. Thanks.

Winning.

* Men. *

Here you go, Mr. Harper.

Now that you're leaving us,

you can have your belt and shoelaces back.

Oh. Thank you.

But believe me, there was never any possibility

I was going to hurt myself.

Yeah, well, it only takes one whack job

hanging from the shower curtain to ruin it for everybody.

I... I suppose.

And I guess I did lose it for a little while there.

Lose it?

We had a pool on how long it would take

to get you toilet trained again.

Really?

Cost me 50 bucks.

And a pair of nice white shoes.

Sorry.

I tend to leak under pressure.

So you think you're ready

to go back out into the world?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

I mean, I've, uh, learned a lot about myself

in the last month, and I... I now have the tools

to deal with life on life's terms.

You know, a lot of people say that,

but you'd be surprised how another couple of weeks

of treatment can make all the difference in the world.

You have another pool, don't you?

Nothing personal.

Just trying to get even.

Sorry I couldn't be more help.

That's okay.

Got $100 says you'll be back before Christmas.

Thanks for your support.

You really want to thank me, stop taking your medication.

Or double up.

Either way, I'll have a happy holiday.

Hope you weren't planning on leaving

before you give your old buddy Gary a hug.

Of course not.

I love you.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Thanks for picking me up.

No problem.

So you're not crazy anymore?

I was never actually crazy.

Then why were you in the nuthouse?

It's not a nuthouse; it's a stress clinic.

What's the difference?

About $2,500 a week.

But the good news is that I got a lot out of it.

I mean, I am ready to deal

with whatever life throws at me, you know.

Full speed ahead.

Well, that's good, 'cause I've got something

I want to talk to you about.

Oh, anything. Dad's here for you, pal.

Cool.

So remember Megan?

Oh, yeah, that was, uh, your little girlfriend.

Uh, she's seems like a great gal.

Well, I'm glad you like her

'cause she's kind of pregnant.

Kind of?

She's not showing yet.

She's still in her first semester.

Oh, my God.

How-how... how did this happen?

I mean, what about our talks about, uh,

sexual responsibility and-and using protection?

I can explain that.

Go ahead.

I was drunk.

Okay. Okay.

I have the tools.

And how do you propose to take care of this child?

Oh, we got that figured out.

First, we're going to quit school and get jobs.

Okay, stop right there.

What jobs?

Advertising-- we're going to teach the baby to talk

and put him in E-Trade commercials.

You're joking.

No. We figure the baby they got is probably getting pretty old.

What does your mother think about this?

She doesn't know. What?

I was hoping you'd tell her.

Why do I have to tell her?

Because she already hates you

and she scares the crap out of me.

: Hey, there he is.

Welcome home, buddy.

Thank you. I'm glad to be here.

Yeah. How you feeling?

Fine. Why are you whispering?

Oh, I don't want to startle you.

Walden, I'm okay.

Yeah, sure you are.

Hey, Walden, guess what.

I'm going to be a dad.

Really?

Wow.

How you feel about that, Grandpa?

Well, it's, uh, not something I would have chosen

for him at this stage of his life,

but he will continue to have my love and support.

If it's a boy, we're going to name him Frodo.

You're not making it easy for me, pal.

You should have used a condom.

Or you should have.

Hey, look who's back from the loony bin.

It wasn't a loony bin; it's a stress clinic.

Did they let you keep your belt?

Uh, well... Loony bin.

There's your mail. Thank you.

Hey, Berta, I'm going to be a dad.

What's funny?

From where you're standing, nothing.

Did you tell him your news?

Mmm, it'll keep.

Hey, open your mail.

Okay. Let's see.

Uh, bill, bill, jury duty,

bill.

Ooh! Oh, here we go.

My refund from the IRS.

Ooh. Whew!

Just in time what with all these bills.

Might want to set some of that aside for Frodo's headshots.

Huh.

It's not a refund at all.

I'm being audited.

What's so funny?

From where you're standing, nothing.

I guess you're probably wondering

why I asked you guys to come over.

We understand, Alan.

Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm not mentally ill.

It was a stress clinic.

Did the door lock from the inside or the outside?

Uh, uh, well, the... the...

Nevertheless, the reason I called a family meeting

is because, uh, Jake

and Megan have some news.

Oh, my God. She's pregnant.

Well, that was easy.

Who wants cake?

How could you do this?

She made me.

What?

Oh, come on.

Between the two of us, who was a virgin?

Okay, okay.

What's done is done,

but if we can come together as a family,

we can deal with this without finger-pointing.

Your father's right.

Let's just calm down and talk it through.

Is it just me, or does Herb and Judith's kid

look a lot like Alan?

Well, you know, there is a slight resemblance.

Damn it, Jake! What the hell is wrong with you?

How could you be so irresponsible?

I mean, what were you thinking? What were you thinking?

Did we raise you not to know any better than this?

What do you have to say for yourself?