I Live Alone

Look, I gotta get so much shit done today,

I don't even know where to start.

Oh, yeah?

Where do you want me to start?

Whose fucking lawn were you sleeping in tonight, Hank?

Well, fuck. I've been...

You think I don't fucking hear?

I know all the fucking neighbors because I actually

take the time to get to fucking know...

You know what? It's cool. I'll fucking do it!

I'll fucking do it...!

Woah. Where did Carolyn go?

You're Scaro-lyn. Again.

- Rewind it. - Oh, come on.

Fuck you!

I asked you to stop leaving your fucking beer cans

everywhere so we don't look like we're fucking animals!

Well, I fixed the fucking toilet so we don't have

to feel like it.

Yeah! There were fucking glass in the toilet!

Okay, so where were you all day, huh?

- Why... - I fucking called you.

Five times for work because I told you all

you had to do was fucking pick that shit up

and fucking go to your job interview.

Yes, I know. I fucking did all these things this morning.

It's a fucking mess!

I thought you were supposed to clean out

the fucking front yard, huh?

- I did. - Oh, you did, really?

Beer can. Beer can. Beer can.

It smells like fucking shit out there.

Out there. It's fine out there. It blows away...

Take a look. What the fuck have you done all day?

You had a job interview. You didn't go.

My dad buys us a fucking house.

- I work all fucking day. - It's Saturday...

It's not Saturday, Hank, it's Wednesday.

You know what? It's fine.

I'll go fucking do it myself. I'm gonna fucking... No!

I'm gonna fucking do it,

because that's what I have to fucking do.

Saturday.

You make me do fucking everything

while you sit downstairs and jerk off

to fucking Night Court! Who fucking watches Night Court?

Fucking me watches Night...

Yeah, you! It's not sexy. It's fucking weird!

Why don't we just make sure all the neighbors know

all our fucking problems, Hank? Huh?

Why don't you scream a little fucking louder,

you piece of shit?

I fucking hate that earing. I fucking hate it.

You bought it for me. Jesus!

Christ. Hey, buddy! We tidied up!

We're looking good over here if you want a beer...

Shut the fuck up and get away from the window.

Get away from the fucking window, Hank!

Is this okay?

Can I sit here? Can I just...

I'm going to bed. I can't.

I can't even with this anymore.

Look, can you...

Grab my sunglasses on the table?

My cigs? Smokes.

- Fuck off. -

Hey. I'm tired.

You're always tired.

I checked in on my mom today, before I left.

Um, frail.

Hope this treatment works.

There isn't really any other option.

Oh, you did?

Yeah. I'll be back in school in a couple of days.

I was granted some me time.

Or, me and my crazy aunt who I barely know-time.

She's lived alone forever.

I'm sure she's thrilled to have me pushed on her.

I know, this is shit.

Thirty miles feels like it's across the fucking country

without a car.

Oh, and I get to start taking the bus.

Can't wait to ride beside... sweatpants boner guy

and the woman who eats her own skin

while I enjoy my coffee every morning.

And then, when I'm at Auntie Loner's place,

like, what am I supposed to do?

Start fucking crocheting with her?

I haven't even seen her since I was probably nine.

Yeah.

Whatever. It's fine.

She's my only option while my mom's in the hospital.

No, actually.

They were going to pull me out of school

and have me go to Michigan to my uncle Steve's

and I'm not doing that.

I'd miss prom.

Yeah, I do hate that shit.

But I'd like to at least have the option to not have Carla

fucking Macuso swoop in and try to get you to go with her.

Unless you want to, I mean.

I heard she's saving her hymen but anal is fair game.

Seriously, like, what's even the point of that?

Yeah, I love you too.

Sorry, this feels like it all changed overnight,

but that's my life.

Oh, is this it?

I guess I'm here.

Wish me luck.

I'll call you later.

Bye.

[delicate piano instrumental echoes]

Parker. I barely recognize you.

The last I saw you, you were peeing in my bathtub.

Not anymore.

Come on in.

What? No hug?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Um, for letting me stay with you. You saved my ass.

Is that right?

Yeah, it'd be hard leaving in the middle of 11th grade.

I suppose it would.

Just know that I live alone because that's how I desire it.

So please try to be clean and quiet,

and follow my house rules.

I'm more than happy to help you and your poor mother out.

God only knows she's been through enough.

Yeah, she has. And I will. Promise.

How was the drive here?

Longer than I remember it.

Yeah, traffic has gotten hideous.

Well, let me show you around.

Living room.

Dining room.

Kitchen.

Make sure you clean up after yourself, I get ants.

Okay.

You remember this place at all?

Not really.

Well, you were pretty young last time.

No one ever wants to visit boring Aunt Len.

No, that's not true.

It's just been a busy few years with dad's move

and mom being sick.

You ever hear from that old bastard?

My dad?

Not that much.

He's remarried and living in Florida.

Ah, he was always such a lump of shit.

And to leave your poor, sick mother like that.

Ugh.

Well, this will be your room.

I got a few empty drawers over there. Feel free to unpack.

Thanks.

You know. I remember something about this place.

I thought I saw a ghost here when I was little.

I was sure it was haunted.

A lot worse things to be afraid of than a little ghost.

Yeah, I was a spaz when I was a kid.

Yeah, well, get yourself settled.

I got a stew in the slow cooker for dinner.

Sounds good. Thanks again.

Yeah.

[eerie Tibetan bowls instrumental]

Feeling settled?

Thanks for this.

Eh, I'm sure it's nothing fancy

like you're used to in the big city.

Oh, me and mom usually just get Postmates.

Postmates? What the fuck is that?

... Oh, it's just like this...

Oh! I forgot to mention, that room.

The room over there is off limits.

It's my personal space, anyway.

I keep it locked up, so just stay out of there.

You got it. No problem.

[eerie instrumental intensifies]

It's fine, we just ate stew and I unpacked.

She was being nice enough.

It does smell like bleach and dust here, though.

Oh, she has this weird, secret room

that I'm not allowed to go near, apparently.

I don't know. Her porn collection.

That's fucking gross!

I got to get some sleep, I'm so dead.

Yeah. Love you.

Call me tomorrow.

Hey. You're trespassing.

Sorry, I just live over there.

You live with that old lizard?

Huh?

You must have just moved in. I don't forget a pretty face.