Going Overboard

Eat me.

What the hell is this?

"The unsinkable schecky...

Moskowitz."

The unsinkable schecky moskowitz?

Huh.

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* I'm 'ave one up here

* one dung there

* one in Hanover

* one dung a vere

* one she's a lawyer

* one she's a doctor

* one wha' de work with a little contractor *

* one dung a east

* one dung a west

* I'm 'ave one up north *

* and 2 dung South

* one a-sell a cigarette

* 'pon de run-about cart, 'ey *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* I'm 'ave one a go a school *

* one gwan fool-fool

* I'm 'ave one ev'ry time *

* me say she think a she rule *

* one she a nurse

* she say a she come first *

* the ada night dem goin' out *

* dem pick a new purse

* one a sell star

* one work in a bar

* a she cas' smile

* when da 2 a dem mus' part *

* one getti getti

* one fretti fretti

* and I'm nah drink no other milk *

* but Betty

* you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* I'm 'ave one up here, one dung here *

* one in Hanover, one dung a vere *

* one she's a lawyer, one she's a doctor *

* one wha' de work with a little contractor *

* one dung a east, one dung a west *

* one up north and one dung South *

* one a go a school, and one fool-fool *

* you too girlie girlie

* you jus' a flash it round de worldie *

* young man, you too girlie girlie *

schecky moskowitz.

Schecky's very ugly.

When I speak to him, I want to vomit.

I was in the elevator with him the other day,

and there was a... a foul smell.

He has great concepts about life...

But I wouldn't want him to touch me.

Hey, there. I'm schecky moskowitz.

Thank you.

See you later there, Mr. cab driver.

Hey, how are ya?

Well, what you're about to see

is a fictitious, loosely thrown together story

about a sea cruise waiter... Me, right here...

Who dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian.

This story is based entirely around the fact

that we had access to this nice big boat here

and a lot of good-looking women...

I mean, really good-looking women...

Beauty pageant girls. Beautiful.

Hi. Hola.

Hi. Hi.

Hello. Hello.

G'day.

Unbelievable.

Beautiful. Very clean women.

Oh. Oh, yeah. I wanted to tell you

um, this is a no, um, budget flick,

not a low-budget flick. No budget.

Um, just like...

This would be an earthquake right here.

See, that didn't cost us anything right there.

Now, enjoy the flick. I'll see you later.

Man: All ashore that's going ashore.

Oh. All right. Here we are on the deck

ready to rock 'n' roll. Start the picture.

I'm here in my waiter suit right now,

and... oh, shoot. I'll be right back.

Ah ha ha. Now that's better, right here.

Hey, waiter. Where's my bloody Mary?

Ah, yes.

And make it bloody.

Ah. Yes, sir.

Hey, asshole.

Bring me another one.

Ah. Yes, ma'am.

I'll tell ya,

I just went out with a girl last week.

I was goin' crazy. We were doin' good.

She's goin' crazy. She's bitin' my nipples.

She's pullin' my chest hair, right?

Aw. Crazy, right?

Finally, I go, "hey. This has gotta stop."

I said, hey, mom."

Man: All right. All right. All right. All right.

Lemme tell you this one. All right?

Last Wednesday, right?

I'm over this guy's house, right?

We're playing chess. You know, a game of chess.

Finally, I says, "hey..."

"This shit's boring the shit outta me," right?

So, I took the chess piece,

and I shoved it in his eye.

I shoved it in his eye.

And I said, "there's fuckin' chess-eye for ya."

You know what I'm sayin'?

You know what I'm sayin', right?

You know what I'm sayin', right?

Check this out. I went swimming

on a boat the other morning, right?

And I go out swimming, and my dick shrivels up.

Jesus Christ! You kidding?

My public hair had my penis hostage!

You know what I'm sayin'?

You know what I'm sayin', right?

Schecky! Oh. Hi, Bob.

What are you doing?

I'm just listening to that guy over there.

Bob: The guy with the girls

drooling all over him?

Schecky: Yeah. Dickie diamond.

That's the ship comedian.

Oh. I guess that means

you didn't convince the captain

to hire you as ship comedian.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's what

"get outta my office you no talent loser" meant.

No. I didn't get the job.

Tough break.

Well, I'm funnier than that guy, don't you think?

I don't know. I haven't heard him. Wait.

I got this chick, right? She's... Got a scissor...

Like a fuckin' wrestler or something, right...

She's got a scissor hold on my neck, right?

I'm chokin', I'm fuckin' dying.

Finally, I said, "hey, grandma,"

take your fuckin' varicose sticks

off my neck, will ya?

Oh. That guy's pretty funny, scheck.

Oh, man. The guy's talking about incest.

That's not funny. The guy needs help.

I could get laughs with that.

The guy probably farts onstage, too.

Hey. Pull my finger. Pull my finger.

Pfft.

[Farting sounds and laughing]

All my life, I just wanted to get onstage

and make people laugh,

but nobody gives me a chance around here.

I'm funny. I mean, I just want them

to hear what I gotta say.

I got certain things I wanna talk about.

Maybe they'd be interested in hearing, you know?

Man: Waiter guy! My wife's throwin' up!

Quick. Get me a towel!

Sorry. I'm on break.

Hey! Hey! How are ya? I didn't see ya there.

Um, well, let's see. What happened? Where were we?

After I finished cleaning up that lady's vomit,

um, I worked a few more hours

and then I took a little break,

and during that break I wrote a few new jokes,

and I think they're pretty good.

I'm very happy with myself right now.

See, what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna ask

the big comedian, Dickie diamond,

if I can open up for him...

Whoa. What, you hear that?

I bet that's my best friend, Bob.

Hey, schecky.

Hey. Who you talkin' to?

I been talkin' to that camera right there.

Oh. So, you ready for work?

I am ready for work,

but I was wonderin' before we go,