Parks and Recreation

- HEY, I COULDN'T FIND THE ARTICLE ABOUT YOU TEACHING

SEX-ED TO SENIORS, BUT I DID FIND THIS FOLDER LABELED

"SENIOR SEX-ED THANK YOU NOTES. - OH, DON'T OPEN THAT.

THERE'S PICTURES IN THERE.

OH! THERE ARE PICTURES.

THERE ARE LOTS OF PICTURES.

WHY WOULD YOU NOT THROW THESE AWAY OR INCINERATE THEM?

BECAUSE EVERY MEMORY DESERVES TO BE CHRONICLED.

EVEN THE SAGGY ONES.

I AM PUTTING TOGETHER A SCRAPBOOK COMMEMORATING

MY FIRST YEAR ON THE CITY COUNCIL.

THIS YEAR WHIZZED BY SO FAST.

THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE I WANTED TO DO.

BUT TIME IS THE RELENTLESS AND CRUEL ENEMY

OF THE DEVOTED CIVIL SERVANT.

IT'S ACTUALLY ONE OF THE SUB-TITLES OF MY SCRAPBOOK.

PROBABLY WOULD'VE GOT MORE STUFF DONE

IF I HADN'T SPENT SO MUCH TIME

BRAINSTORMING SCRAPBOOK TITLES.

BEN AND LESLIE'S DAY OFF.

LET'S GO RELAX.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR OUR DAY OFF.

BUT WHAT IF WE TOOK A DAY ON

AND STAYED HERE AND WORKED ON SOME PROJECTS?

THAT SOUNDS PRETTY SEXY, RIGHT? - NO.

LESLIE, YOU'VE WORKED NONSTOP. HOLIDAYS AND WEEKENDS.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA TAKE A DAY OFF.

IT'LL BE GOOD FOR YOU. - ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE CUTE.

AND YOU'RE RIGHT. - COME ON.

- LET'S RELAX. - ALL RIGHT.

HEY, APRIL.

I'LL BE GONE FOR THE NEXT 19 1/2 HOURS,

SO CAN YOU WATER MY PLANTS IN MY OFFICE?

- WE ARE ALL OUT OF WATER, ACTUALLY.

I'LL HAVE TO USE BOILING HOT MILK.

- ARE YOU REALLY GONNA DO THAT? - YES.

- WELL, EVERYBODY. UM, WOW.

IT HAS BEEN AN HONOR AND A PLEASURE

TO WORK WITH YOU ALL.

THE TIME I HAVE SPENT AT PARKS AND REC

HAVE BEEN THE HAPPIEST DAYS

OF MY LIFE HERE IN THE GOVERNMENT.

AND I KNOW EVERYONE SAYS IT, BUT I SINCERELY HOPE

THAT WE STAY IN TOUCH.

- WHAT THE IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

- TODAY'S MY LAST DAY, LESLIE.

I'M RETIRING.

- WHAT? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?

- WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A BIG FUSS.

ALTHOUGH, GOSH, I'M PRETTY SURE I MENTIONED IT A FEW TIMES.

OH, GOD, THEY'RE GONNA FIRE PEOPLE, AREN'T THEY?

YEAH, I AM TWO YEARS FROM MY PENSION.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

ONLY SIX MONTHS LEFT UNTIL I RETIRE.

OOH.

WHAT DID JERRY SAY?

JERRY WAS HERE?

- WELL, THIS IS MY LAST WEEP. OOPS.

I MEAN, "WEEP." WEEK.

JEEZ.

- - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. JUST WAIT.

EVERYBODY WAIT. OKAY.

AS MUCH AS WE WANT THIS TO HAPPEN,

WE CAN'T LET JERRY JUST DISAPPEAR.

WE HAVE TO COMMEMORATE THIS SOMEHOW.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

JERRY, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

GOOD-BYE.

- THANKS, RON. THAT SPEECH MEANS A LOT.

OKAY, WELL, I AM GOING TO GO AND SAY GOOD-BYE

TO SOME OTHER FOLKS.

- OKAY, SEE YOU TOMORROW, JERRY.

*

- SO WE RAN ALL YOUR TESTS, AND EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT.

YOU MIGHT BE THE HEALTHIEST HUMAN BEING WE'VE EVER SEEN.

YOU HAVE THE RESTING HEART RATE OF A 100-YEAR-OLD TORTOISE.

YES, I GET THAT A LOT.

SO MY CHILDHOOD ILLNESS--

THERE'S NO CHANCE I WOULD PASS THAT ON?

- IT WASN'T GENETIC, SO YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY AT ALL.

YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO EXPECT A HEALTHY CHILD.

IN FACT, IF YOU'D LIKE, YOU CAN PROVIDE YOUR SAMPLE TODAY.

TODAY?

LIKE, TODAY, TODAY?

- THIS TODAY? - WELL, YES.

I MEAN, THE TIMING IS RIGHT

ACCORDING TO ANN'S OVULATION SCHEDULE.

UNLESS THERE'S A REASON

YOU'D LIKE TO WAIT TILL NEXT MONTH.

NO.

NONE.

ONE OTHER QUESTION.

COMPLETELY OFF TOPIC.

WOULD I BE PROVIDING THIS SAMPLE...TODAY?

- HERE I AM THINKING ABOUT HOW FAST

MY FIRST YEAR IN CITY COUNCIL HAS GONE,

AND JERRY HAS HAD 40 YEARS WHIZ PAST HIM

WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.

THIS IS EVERYTHING IN HIS FILE--

A HANDICAPPED PARKING STICKER FROM WHEN HE GOT GOUT,

A PARKS AND REC GOLF CART DRIVING EXAM

WHICH HE FAILED,

A SCATHING PERFORMANCE REVIEW.

I MEAN, WHY WOULD ANYONE BE SO MEAN?

OH, WAIT. I WROTE THIS.

I STAND BY IT.

- WELL, JERRY WAS NEVER REALLY THE TYPE

TO RISE ABOVE MEDIOCRITY OR TO IT.

- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, BUT WHEN HE STARTED,

HE HAD A LOT OF DREAMS AND GOALS.

I MEAN, LOOK AT HIS ORIGINAL ENTRY PAPERWORK.

HE WANTED TO MEET THE MAYOR,

HAVE A BUILDING NAMED AFTER HIM.

I JUST CAN'T LET JERRY LEAVE HERE WITH NOTHING

AND GO HOME TO AN EMPTY LIFE.

WELL, I'LL HELP WITH ANYTHING.

JUST PROMISE WE'LL DO IT QUICKLY.

I'M MAKING US A MAC AND CHEESE PIZZA FOR--

- MAC AND CHEESE PIZZA? - YEAH.

- YOU'RE MAKING THAT? - YEAH.

- TORTURING JERRY WAS MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD.

AFTER MAKING OUT WITH YOU.

- REMEMBER WHEN WE DID BOTH AT THE SAME TIME?

IT MADE HIM SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

THIS IS A SAD DAY.

WHO ARE WE GONNA MAKE FUN OF NOW?

NO NEED TO WORRY.

EVERY PLACE I'VE EVER WORKED IN

HAS HAD A "JERRY."

WHEN ONE JERRY LEAVES,

THE OFFICE NATURALLY SELECTS

A NEW JERRY TO FILL THAT ROLE.

IT'S SOCIAL DARWINISM.

THE STRONG PREY ON THE WEAK.

SOON, ONE OF YOU WILL BE RIDICULED MERCILESSLY.

AH, NATURE.

- OKAY. MY TRANSFER WAS APPROVED.

SO STARTING NOW, I AM AN EMPLOYEE

OF THE COUNTY HEALTH BOARD.

YOU ARE NO LONGER MY BOSS,

AND WE CAN HAVE A BABY

WITHOUT BEING A CONFLICT OF INTEREST.

CLEAR SAILING.

- GOOD-BYE, ANN PERKINS, MY EXCELLENT EMPLOYEE.

HELLO, ANN PERKINS, MY FALLOPIAN PRINCESS.

SO HERE'S THE DRILL.

MAKE A DEPOSIT IN HERE.

IF YOU FILL IT UP ALL THE WAY,

YOU GET ON THE BOARD.

THEN WE TAKE THE SAMPLE, SPIN IT IN THE CENTRIFUGE,

AND PREPARE IT FOR FERTILIZATION.

SOUNDS ROMANTIC.

I GUESS IT'S GO TIME.

GO TIME!

WAIT, WHAT AM I DOING? I DON'T GO WITH YOU.

- OH, NO, NO. I GO IN ALONE

WITH THIS PORNOGRAPHIC DISC AND DO IT MYSELF.

AND YOU STAY OUT HERE

AND TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I'M DOING IN THERE.

AND I TRY NOT TO THINK

ABOUT YOU WAITING OUT HERE

TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT ME.

SHOULD I THINK ABOUT YOU?

THIS IS SO WEIRD.

- CHRIS, WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS TODAY.

THIS WAS TOTALLY JUST SPRUNG ON US.

LET'S JUST TAKE A MOMENT.

THERE'S SO MANY PAMPHLETS TO LOOK AT.

YES, WE DO HAVE

VERY IMPORTANT PAMPHLET READING TO DO.

EXCELLENT IDEA, ANN PERKINS.

DO I KEEP THIS?

- I DON'T KNOW. IT FEELS WRONG TO LEAVE IT HERE.

GIVE IT TO ME.

I PANICKED. RUN!

- HERE ARE THE LAST OF THE ANIMAL CONTROL REPORTS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WEIRDO?

- JUST TRYING NOT TO SPILL ANYTHING.

- I BELIEVE LESLIE SAID TO ORGANIZE THESE BY YEAR.

WAY AHEAD OF YOU.

I MADE TWO PILE FILES.

PILO FIBLES. UGH. FILO PILOS.

- FILO PILOS? THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

- ARE YOU BROKEN? - NO, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

- WELL, I GUESS THAT SETTLES WHO THE NEW JERRY IS.

- NO, IT DOESN'T! I BARELY EVEN SAID IT WRONG.

- SAID IT WRONG. - STOP IT!

THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS.

THE NEXT "JERRY."

ONE SCREWED-UP SENTENCE, AND 30 YEARS LATER,

I'M WEARING AQUAMARINE SWEATER VESTS

AND LISTENING TO BONNIE RAITT

AND THE DA VINCI CODE ON MY iPOD.

.

- BELIEVE IT OR NOT, JERRY, YOU WERE YOUNG ONCE.

YOUNG AND FULL OF DREAMS.

- I FORGOT I WROTE ALL THIS.

- AND AS UNREALISTIC AND ABSURD AS THOSE GOALS WERE,

WE ARE NOT LETTING YOU RETIRE UNTIL WE HELP YOU ACHIEVE THEM.