M*A*S*H

Aw. We're late.

Use the officers'.

13‐15. Let's go.

Relax, you don't have a chance.

I'll beat your brains out.

Ah!

Hey, Henry!

‐Yo. ‐Where you goin'?

Down to Regimental Headquarters.

Bring back some fresh nurses.

Make sure they're lean.

‐Be good now. ‐So long, sirs.

Don't forget to tip the driver.

Aah!

‐Are those gurney tables? ‐Right.

And those are surgical masks.

You're playing Ping‐Pong!

I told you it was Ping‐Pong.

Absolutely right, Frank.

Dismissed.

Dismissed?

Listen, with Blake gone,

I'm in command of this outfit.

Oh, in that case, dismissed, sir.

We'll see how funny you good‐time Charlies are

when Frank Burns is number 1 around here permanently.

Just what is that supposed to mean?

That's for me to know and for you to find out.

Frank, you're begging for a deviated septum.

You'll find out.

This hearing is to determine your fitness to command.

A serious charge has been filed against you

by Majors Burns and Houlihan.

We'll begin with the lesser charges

against Lieutenant Colonel Blake, Major Murphy.

Yes, General.

‐Colonel Blake? ‐Uh, yes, sir.

‐I'm sorry, sir. Excuse me. ‐My fault.

No, it was my fault, sir.

I'll be more careful.

Can we get on with this?

Colonel Blake, it is alleged

that on or about Kentucky Derby Day,

there were gurney races held at your unit

and that betting took place.

Is this true?

Uh, exactly what is a gurney?

Um, well, General, it's a‐it's a rolling table

that we use to transport patients

to and from the various places

that we have to take them to and from from.

To and from from?

Yes, sir.

Okay, Girl O' War!

Gal O' War! Gal O' War!

Make your bets before the big race. Last chance.

Place your bets, folks. Don't miss your chance.

Well, I see y'all have got the second post position again, Culpepper.

Sir, this position has been handed down

from Culpepper to Culpepper.

That's a fine‐lookin' filly you have there, sir.

She also has been handed down from Culpepper to Culpepper.

Y'all, uh, this is your colonel.

Only one minute to post time.

All right, come on!

This is your last chance before the big race

to make your bets. Come on, soldier.

Hey, Klinger, want to make a bet on the race?

I'm busy. Radar, I'm finally getting out.

Wait'll you see what I'm making out of this red satin.

I like you in anything.

All right. Come on. Make your bets.

All right, folks, the gurneys are ready!

They're at the post.

Let's go.

And there they go!

As we round the clubhouse turn,

it's Hawk's Pride,

with Gal O' War, Girl Away,

and Bouncing Betty.

And in the lead,

it's Hawk's Pride and Gal O' War,

Girl Away, and Bouncing Betty!

Decadent.

Gurney races.

With girls on top of them.

Pushing them around.

Doctors pushing nurses.

Frank...

Me, too.

Where can we go?

Out back of the lard cans.

And Bouncing Betty‐‐

Bouncing Betty is starting

to make a move on the outside.

Girl Away‐‐

It's Hawk's Pride and Gal O' War.

Gal O' War in a real battle for third

between Girl Away and Bouncing Betty.

Bouncing Betty starting to drop behind.

Hawk's Pride widening the lead,

with Gal O' War, Girl Away.

And Bouncing Betty starts to make her move.

Hawk's Pride is coming up fast on the inside.

Gal O' War is taking the outside.

And it's Girl Away!

Bouncing Betty is really bouncing along,

with Girl Away, Gal O' War,

and Hawk's Pride in the lead.

Hawk's Pride is coming in.

It's neck to neck between Hawk's Pride!

And the winner is Gal O' War

by a‐‐ by a‐‐ uh, by...

The winner's Gal O' War.

So you not only condoned the activity,

you participated in it.

Well, uh, we work hard, Major.

We‐‐ We need some relaxation.

Even if it violates every rule in the book.

General, just prior to our Kentucky Derby Day,

our operating room handled over,

uh, the‐the, uh...

Now, I've got the casualty figures here somewhere, sir.

Um... Radar, do you... ?

‐I'm sorry, sir. ‐No, it's my fault again.

Proceed, Major.

Charge 2 states one of your enlisted men

engaged in the business of selling

Hi‐Style wingtip shoes

from the Style Rite Shoe Company

of Storm Lake, Iowa.

The Style Rite what?

Shoe Company.

I read it on the back of a matchbook.

It said that you could earn extra money in your spare time

selling Hi‐Style wing‐tip shoes.

How did this work?

Well, you just filled in

your name and address and stuff,

and they sent you a demo shoe, a measuring thing,

and, uh, an order blank.

But you're a corporal in the United States Army.

Well, that's not my fault, sir.

Hey, Klinger, wait up!

I'm busy.

Good morning, sir. My name is Radar O'Reilly.

I represent the

of Storm Lake, Iowa.

Could I interest you in a pair

of really nifty black‐and‐white wing‐tip shoes

for only 8.95?

No, but I could use a pair of black‐and‐white pumps

with a rhinestone buckle at any price.

Anybody home?

No.

Good morning, sir. My name is Radar O'Reilly.

I represent the Style Rite Shoe Company

of Storm Lake, Iowa.

Please come in, Mr. O'Reilly.

Thank you.

Um, I would like to interest you

in a pair of our Hi‐Style wingtip shoes

for only $8.95.

Do I sit down?

I think you almost have to.

Right. Here?

Oh, uh, nice place you have here.

Well, it's cruddy, but it's home.

Have you been doing this long?

Uh, no, actually, uh, this is my first day.

Oh, I think you'll do well.

You found my foot without any trouble at all.

And if I may say so, sir,

it is a very handsome foot.

Thanks. I like it.

Uh, well, as you can see,

this is an all‐leather shoe,

with a built‐in arch support

to give you hours of comfort and good looks.

I can see that, yes.

Well, sir, now,

as our company slogan says‐‐

Oh, yeah.

If your shoes aren't becoming to you,

then you should be coming to us.

Actually, Mr. O'Reilly,

I already have a pair of black‐and‐white shoes.

Ah, excuse me, sir, but you don't have

black‐and‐white shoes.

Oh, that's true, yeah,

but I‐I‐I really don't, uh...

I‐I‐I can't afford...

You can't afford not to give your feet

the best home they ever had.

Yeah.

Right. Well, I... No, I'm sorry, I really...

I'm not... But I'm just, I'm...

Did you participate

in this business venture, Colonel Blake?

Of course not.