Zakir Khan: Delulu Express

Ladies and gentlemen

Please start clapping

and make some noise for the man, the myth, the legend

Zakir Khan!

Love you, Zakir Bhai!

Thank you very much. Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot. And lots of love to you guys.

Should I come?

Since when have you guys started teasing me?

No problem, no problem.

Boys' friendship is often unique.

You have a very toxic relationship with your friends.

You have to live with them, but you don't even like them.

These idiots spoil your mood,

but you cannot manage without them.

What to do and where to go?

The worst friend in our group, among the childhood friends, is the one

who gets a job first.

How many of you are in your first job?

Y'all should try out what I'm telling you.

Your life purpose would be fulfilled.

Quit it.

Another magical part of quitting your job is the notice period.

When you have to go to your office everyday for a month

after your resignation…

and that too for not doing anything.

It's uniquely magical.

Going everyday among those pigs…

No one is telling you any work; you don't want to do any work

The one giving you work Is himself not that confident.

My boss was a very toxic person.

He would open his office door And give orders randomly.

"You haven't made the PPT yet?"

I am from a joint family, so I would think he's asking me.

This man had made my life a living hell.

On a Saturday night, at 2 am,

he called and I was like, "Hello."

He says, "Zakir, I asked you for a list of the interns. Why haven't you sent it?

I said, "Sir, I'll WhatsApp them to you. There are just four names."

He goes, "Process is a process is a process, Zakir."

I was like, "Why stop at three? Keep going on."

He goes, "Why didn't you send it?"

I said, "Sorry, sir, it slipped out of my mind."

"What do you mean it slipped out of your mind?"

I said, "Sir, I forgot."

He said, "How can you forget?"

I said, "Sir, because it slipped out of my mind."

"How did it slip?" And I was like, "What the…?"

I was like should I record my voice and send it to him?

I don't think you need my voice, sir.

Keep playing it in loop, the whole day and the whole night.

This is what I feel about this job now.

Whereas when I had landed the job, I had struggled a lot a lot for it,

I felt if I got this job, my life purpose would by fulfilled.

Often when you haven't found something…

The same is true about relationships.

If I have you in my life…

Has anyone left their world behind?

Well, you have to live in this world and continue living.

It is an ocean of everlasting sorrow.

There is no fun without it.

When you are in college you feel this world is so bright.

You are like once I finish my college, I'll get a job,

and then my life would be set.

Really?

So, is it set now?

It doesn't seem like your life is set.

Life always remains un-set.

I went away to Delhi.

I went to Delhi, I didn't get a job in 2008 or 2009,

or even in 2010. Then came 2011.

I had lied at home about having a job.

Although they have an idea that I don't.

Because when you go back home, you stay there for 15+ days.

Your family members notice it but even they don't say anything.

I used to write SMS Shayaris (couplets).

Any work you do, however menial, always helps you in your life.

The SMS Shayaris I used to write, became Farzi Mushaira later on.

And the other thing I used to write, though I am not proud of it,

was hot stories…

For a mobile service.

Now, since it's a mobile service, they could not be too hot.

So, they used to be semi-hot.

"He was waiting for me on the terrace.

And with every step, I was getting closer and closer to him.

I was a little short of breath. I slowly opened the terrace door.

He looked into my eyes…"

I couldn't breathe for a moment.

He suddenly grabbed my hand.

My breath…

was getting shorter with every passing moment.

He looked at my eyes…"

I have earned money from many poor people.

I have a lot of poor people's money.

Well…

No work is big or small.

Work itself makes a person big or small.

I used to get its money in 90 days.

Sometimes I wouldn't even get it.

I was like I don't have any money left.

Let's go home. Mom-dad would…

The best thing about parents

is they may taunt you, they may be toxic, but at least they feed you.

We should appreciate them for this.

Okay, so what that they taunt you

and be like, "Oh, God, this boy has ruined us.

He spoiled our reputation.

Eat your food!" I'm like, "Let the food keep coming.

Oh, my master, please keep giving me food."

I have a childhood friend named Kuntal. You might know him from Mannpasand.

One thing about Kuntal that I forgot to mention in Mannpasand

is that his Chalebility is very high.

And in friendship, you should see the ‘Chalebility’ of that person.

Friends, ‘Chalebility’ is when you say to a person,

"Hey! Let's go."

Upon sitting in the car after how much time does he ask,

"By the way, where are we going, bro?"

Kuntal's ‘Chalebility’ is infinite.

I went to Indore and Kuntal came to meet me.

He was working somewhere in Bangalore.

So we were talking, when my father came, scolded us and went away.

All was well when I got a call.

I picked up the phone and said, "Yes?"

They asked, "Is it Zakir Khan?" I said, "Yes."

They said, "I'm calling from Delhi. You have an interview tomorrow at 1 pm."

"I'm at Indore." They: "So? The interview is tomorrow."

The interviewers think we are in Roadies.

Why are you giving me a task, bro?

I'm just asking you for a job.

I will work for you. That's what you will pay me for, right?

I said, "Okay, I'll be there."

I wanted money to go, so I told my father,

that I've to go for the interview, and he was like, "Please.

Don't trouble me. I'm already fed up of you."

Then he fired away 10-15 taunts like,

"Damn this boy.

He ruined the reputation of our family."

I was like, "Can you say something new?"

"If you cannot support your father, at least don't be a burden on him."

I was like, "Yada, yada, yada."

For us boys, our mothers are our ATMs.

So, I just emotionally blackmailed her, cried a little,

and out of the rice box, came out 500 rupees.

She gave me the money and I borrowed 700 rupees from Kuntal.

I said to Kuntal, "Quickly drop me at the railway station.

I have to go to Delhi.

Take your bike and drop me."

He says, "There's no petrol in my bike."

I said, "You came to my house.

So, you would have gone back too, right?

What was your plan?"

He goes, "I thought we will put a pipe in your dad's bike and do…

I said, "If I don't get this job, it will be because of you."

He's like, "Please, don't say that."

We tried stopping a rickshaw, he didn't stop, the second one didn't either.

The third one stopped, I got in but Kuntal was lying down in front of it.

The rickshaw guy got down, picked him up and said, "Sir, I have stopped."

He's talking nicely and Kuntal goes, "All these rickshaw guys are rascals.

They don't know that The city is not safe because of them."

He was unnecessarily cussing the rickshaw guy.

I said “He is ready to drop us,”

He goes, "How long have you been driving the rickshaw?"

He says, "Sir, for the past 20 years."

He says, "You started driving as a baby?"

He was a 48 to 50 years old man. His eyebags were sagging to his knees.

Life has happened to him.

Kuntal: "What's your age?" He: "Care to guess?"

Kuntal says, "Maybe 22 or 23?"

He says, "Sir, you won't believe, I am 48 years old."

This rascal denies it.

He's like, "What are you saying? Really?

Your skin doesn't reveal your real age."

Kuntal asked the rickshawala his skin care routine

He started telling it too.

He says, "You should eat seasonal fruits.

Go for a morning walk."

Kuntal disagrees there too,

"Sir, I cannot wake up early. Tell me something else."

He says, "No, it's a must.

You have to wake up early.

Come what may."

Kuntal and I have a theory that men are emotionless.

You can tell them any serious thing and they answer in a very flat tone.

"The entire family had gone to Vaishno Devi.

Their bus met with an accident and fell in the valley.

And all 70 people including my family died.

But what can we do. It's life, it goes on."

You ask the same person if they remember Riya from their 9th grade.

He will dance and say, "Riya!!"

Guys get excited when it comes to girls.

"Girls must be dying for you.

You are hiding it from us."

Nothing like that happened to him, so he says, "No, nothing like that."

Kuntal, "Come on, tell us."

Kuntal pressurised him so much that he started telling a story.

And it was a freshly cooked story,

So you can add to it.

Add whatever you want to.

"It was long time back, sir…"

"It must be a couple of years ago?"