Desperate Housewives

Previously on...

Orson's blackmailing me to stay with him.

- To escape her marriage... - Lamar Benjamin?

You know my husband Orson from the state penitentiary.

Bree arranged her own blackmail...

I don't want to fight anymore.

While a friendship...

- Hit the rocks. - Lynette, you wanted to Sue us!

That proves that you are not my friend.

- Oh, my God! - All right, calm down. All right? I'm not an idiot.

I used a prepaid, and there's no way they're ever gonna find us.

- I killed a man. - A desperate act...

Danny? No, no, no, no, no, no!

Led to a revelation.

Would you like some juice, Danny?

My name's Tyler.

The whole time I was with you, all I thought about was Susan.

And a revelation...

If you mean it, then please kill me.

I don't care enough about you to kill you.

Led to a desperate act.

I need an ambulance right away. I'm losing a lot of blood.

Daphne Bicks was an unhappy woman.

And no one knew this better than her husband.

That's why he hired her to work with him.

He thought it might cheer her up.

But sadly, Jeff Bicks soon discovered

that it would take a lot more than a job...

This coffee's cold.

To keep his wife from complaining.

She complained from the moment they got up in the morning...

Well, another sleepless night thanks to your snoring.

Till they were on their way home at the end of the day.

You want to see if you can hit all the red lights?

Things had gotten so bad,

Jeff Bicks began to wonder

when God would end his suffering.

Luckily for Jeff, God had a plan.

You're unbelievable! You're so cheap.

It's friggin' Christmas, for God sake.

I'm not buying you a new car.

Tricia Reed's husband got her a new car.

It isn't even a holiday.

He bought it for her because she beat cancer.

You beat cancer, I'll buy you a car. Don't beat it, I'll buy you two.

- Why are we even together? - The hot sex.

You're cheap, rude. You lack ambition.

I should just dump your sorry ass.

You want a gift? You want a gift? How about a divorce?

- Ha. Don't tempt me. - I'm serious.

I already got the name of a divorce attorney.

You want a divorce? You got it!

Yes, Virginia,

there is a Santa Claus, and he's giving me my balls back!

Correction... one of them. Get half of everything.

But not the business. I started that.

With my father's money. So I get half, and I'm selling it.

Wait a minute. Let's talk about this.

Oh-ho! So now you're scared?

You'd be that vindictive? Destroy the one thing I love out of spite?

Hello?! Have we met? Of course I would.

And I am not stopping there. Bank accounts, pension funds...

Oh, I'm gonna ruin you.

Oh, what's the matter?

I can't breathe.

Nice try, big faker.

Oh! My chest hurts like hell.

- Take the controls. - What?

Ah! You gotta land the plane.

What?!

No! You piece of crap!

You can't do this to me!

And that is how the unhappy marriage

of Jeff and Daphne Bicks ended...

In a plane losing altitude

right above a cul-de-sac...

Hey, is it just me,

or is that plane flying really low?

By the name of Wisteria Lane.

Dad, I think it's gonna crash.

The best Christmas ever...

That's what the residents of Wisteria Lane were dreaming of

as they prepared for their annual yuletide festival.

So they hung up a banner...

Brought out their candy canes...

And put up Santa's workshop,

as eager as children for the holiday to begin.

Of course,

some were more childish than others.

Look at this mess. It's like Santa's colon.

- That's funny. Did you hear that? - Hilarious.

Almost as funny as when Orson said it last year.

Okay. How about some Christmas music?

Parker, you got that sound system fixed?

Almost.

Do we really want the kid working with electricity?

He can't even get the newspaper on my porch.

You're clumping.

- Hey, what is going on with you two? - I don't want to get into it.

Well, whatever it is, you need to work it out.

We are caroling at the festival on Saturday,

and we can't have two of our jingle belles fighting.

You know, if you need a replacement, I've been told that I have a dusky alto.

No way!

Girls only. We're the jingle belles, not the jingle balls.

Shouldn't you be out stealing the last can of who hash?

You want to see me go all grinch on your ass?

To be honest, Bree, I don't think I'm gonna be able to sing with Lynette after she was...

After she what? Are you about to trash me?

I have way too much class to trash you, no matter how much you deserve it.

Merry Christmas to me.

What did she do?

- She's suing Carlos. - You're suing him?

- Because he fired me. - He fired her?

- Because she lied about being pregnant. - You're pregnant?!

- With twins. - You knew?

I told her to keep it quiet.

- Congratulations. - Sure, take her side.

She's not!

Stop fighting.

I mean, with all we've been through lately...

Julie being attacked, Danny Bolen's overdose...

We really need some Christmas spirit around here.

- Susan's right. - This is the time

we should come together

and celebrate peace on earth and good will towards men and...

Oh, crap. Who's dead now?

- Hey, what's going on? - Something's happened to Katherine.

Oh, my God. I was just there five minutes ago.

- Was she okay? - Well, she was really upset.

I hope she didn't do something to herself.

Hey, you're not gonna believe this, but I just heard the cops say

that someone stabbed Katherine right in the gut.

- What? - Who would do that?

You've got to be kidding me.

Hey there. How you feeling?

A little hungry.

That's 'cause they pumped your stomach.

But if you want, Tyler, I can have them bring you some soup.

Why did you just call me that?

- You told me to, last night. - No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. Twice.

You were still a little groggy, but you definitely said your name was Tyler.

Um, maybe I was dreaming.

My name's Danny.

Okay.

Um, can I see my mom?

Please.

I'm sorry. Not while you're under observation.

I'll have someone bring you that soup...

Danny.

I don't get this. We gave you a check to cover the ambulance

- and everything else so far. - I know.

But we still need your insurance information, Mr. Bolen.

- It's hospital policy. - Like us not being able to see our kid?

So you have two stupid policies.

There could be some unforeseen expenses,

tests we may have to run.

If you don't have insurance, there are government programs.

- If you could just give me your information... - No!

- We don't need a handout. - We have Cash.

- Thank you, though. - Gayle.

Can I speak with the Bolens?

I know what's going on.

What do you mean?

I knew something was up the moment you moved onto the Lane.

I mean... you never talk about your past.

Well, we're private people. Is there a law against that?

Having no insurance, wanting to pay Cash for everything,

having a son who can't remember if his name is Danny or Tyler...

Where you going with all this, Mona?

You're in the witness protection program, aren't you?

You are one sharp cookie.

How'd you figure it out?

Honestly? Once I noticed you were Italian, I just kinda went from there.

No offense.

None taken.

I can't believe I'm right.

So... what went down?

You witness a hit?

Did you rat on one of the five families?

We, um... we can't talk about it, Mona.

And neither can you, to anybody.

Of course not.

Because if you do say anything...

We're gonna have to have you whacked.

Any more news about Mike and Katherine?

No.

But I'm sure he'll be exonerated.

Mike could never do something that awful.

That's my Bree... always seeing the good in people.

Yes.

Well, um...

Forgive me for starting your day on a sour note,

but I filed for divorce. Here are the papers.

And if you try to stop me,

your parole officer will see these.

Consorting with a known felon is a parole violation.

If you send me to jail for fraud,

you're going with me.