In Living Color

Coming this fall to Black Entertainment Television:

It's Mary Tyler Mo.

Mur, what goes better with a fish "samich"?

Grape Kool-Aid or red?

Thanks, Mur.

- Mary, get in here. - Oh!

Coming, Mr. Grant.

Yes, Mr. Grant?

Mary, I'm afraid I've got...

- some bad news for you. - Oh.

Oh, well, Mr. Grant, you're still not, uh...

you know, serious about the "chocolate fantasy" thing?

Oh, yes, I am, but that's not what I called you in for.

I'm afraid I have to, uh, give you your pink slip.

Mr. Grant, you...

You... blue-eyed devil, you.

Ted, get in here.

What is it, Lou?

Ted, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.

Don't tell me you're serious about that "chocolate fantasy" thing.

Yes, I am, Ted, but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about.

Lou, before you say anything, big guy, I just want you to know...

it's a pleasure working here for you...

and you're everything a guy could hope for in a boss...

and a friend.

That's great, Ted. That's nice. You're fired.

- You honky bastard! - What was that, Ted?

I'm sorry, Lou. I didn't mean it, Lou.

It just slipped out.

Mary Tyler Mo ... coming this fall.

Hi. I'm Loomis Simmons...

and I'm here to tell you, you can never be too careful...

not with all these here unwanted pregnancies...

diseases and all these other hoodoos...

wanting to come between you and your main squeeze, Mr. Johnson-Ronson.

Know what I'm saying?

That's why I'm here to protect you with the Loomis Simmons...

Custom Built Condom.

Today modern "womens" will pitch a fuss...

and leave you out in the cold...

'less you put a raincoat on your little man.

God bless their tiny little souls.

That's where my Loomis Simmons Custom Built Condom come in.

The Loomis Condom was specially designed...

to fit snugly on to me...

and it keeps you safe from harm's way...

'cause I'm the one who wear it.

Just give me $100 and I'll take all the risk.

Now, you must be "axing"...

"Where do I come in, Loomis?"

You pay for the hotel room and wait in the lobby.

It's that simple. Here's how the system works.

You take the girl out for drinks;

you take the girl out to dinner;

you take the girl out dancing;

and once you're sure she's ready to get nasty...

then you call Loomis.

Loomis comes over to your house.

Loomis wears the custom-built Loomis Condom.

Loomis have freaky circus sex with your woman.

Then Loomis leave.

It's that simple.

Hell, you can even sip a scotch...

and cheer me on, if that's your freaky thing.

But don't take my word for it.

Let's talk to some of my satisfied "customears."

I don't like wearing a condom...

because I can't feel the intensity of the moment.

Now, with the Loomis Simmons Custom Built Condom...

I still don't feel nothin'...

but I don't get all hot and sweaty either.

After I got these sores...

I never thought I'd trust a condom again.

Then I heard about Loomis Simmons' revolutionary technology.

Now I can please the ladies and play it safe.

Go!

I enjoyed every minute.

- Can I have some of that, man? - Uh...

Just... Just keep it, man.

That's exciting, isn't it?

Now, a lot of people say to me...

"Loomis, why would I want a complete stranger...

to share such an intimate moment with my woman friend?"

And I say, " Shut up.

"I'm trying to have freaky circus sex with them.

I ain't sticking around to cuddle. That's your job."

Let's be honest.

There's only so much Loomis can do.

But if you throw in an extra $40...

I'll even smoke a cigarette while I'm putting my thick and thins back on...

for absolutely free.

So order your Loomis Simmons Custom Built Condom...

and leave the driving to me.

- We want food. We want food. - Settle down. Settle down.

- We want food. We want... - Settle down.

Settle down, everyone.

I know you have your hearts set on a turkey dinner with all the trimmings...

but we all decided to get the most food for our money...

- and that is two cans of Spam. -

Ah, but we spent the extra money we saved on a special treat for you.

We're gonna have some Irish folk music.

So let's give a big homeless shelter welcome...

to Shamus O'Shanty O'Shame.

Oh, thank you very much. There's nothing like singing on a full stomach.

And may your holiday today be full...

of pink hearts, yellow moons, blue stars and green clovers.

Hoo-hoo!

I'm gonna start off today with a song about a man named Fluther...

the patron saint of the poor...

and severe groin injuries.

And it goes like this.

And that's it.

- You've got to be a little bit more sensitive. - Well, then, how about...

How about a song about leprechauns, huh?

A pot of gold, song of hope, something like that. It goes like this.

That's it.

- I need a drink. - One day at a time, Billy.

No, man, I can't take one song at a time.

Bye, Billy. See ya later.

- He was our biggest success. - Well...

Five years of sobriety out the window.

Mr. O'Shame, I implore you, sing something to lift these men's spirits.

Okay, I've got just the song.

- You, sir... What's your name? - Jerry.

Jerry! How are you, Jerry? Jerry, come on up here, son.

Jerry, do you feel like there's days where you just want to end it all?

- Yeah. - Yes, you do.

Oh, but we've worked very hard with Jerry...

and he now realizes that there is a lot to live for.

I'm gonna dedicate this next song to you. It's called "Keep Lookin' Up."

There you go.

Are you crazy? All you're doing is singing songs that depress them.

All right, gentlemen, there he is. Grab him. Come on.

- Oh! Oh! - Okay, Shamus, it's time to go back to the home.

- What's going on here? - Last night this turkey...

hitched a ride on the Prozac truck.

Yeah, we didn't miss him until bed check this morning.

I'm no ordinary turkey. I'm a Butterball.

I'm the king of the Butterballs. Gobble, gobble, gobble...

- - Gobble, gobble, gobble!

Ooh! Oh, my breasts are delicious and tender. Ooh!

Interracial couples...

Difficult enough for children, but what if one parent was a major star...

and treated you like you were a major embarrassment?

White Hollywood, black children...

that's our focus on today's Geraldo.

We are joined by the seed corn of some of America's greatest stars.

Our first guest has just written this painful memoir...

Beam Me Up, Daddy...

which chronicles how he was shunned...

by his natural father, William Shatner.

Please welcome T.J. Shatner.

Thank you, Geraldo.

It is indeed a pleasure...

to be on board.

My next guest is a walking example of what happens...

when a great director redirects his creative juices, if you will.