The Night Before

Here's a little story I'd like to tell...

...about three best friends and their first Noel.

It begins right before Christmas 2001...

...when a young man named Ethan became an orphan.

His mama and papa both tragically gone...

...it seemed for him Christmas had sung its swan song.

As he sat alone on Christmas Eve...

...his friends came over and forced him to leave.

They had to get Ethan out of his funk...

...so they went to a bar and they got his ass drunk.

With tears and with sadness they started to mend. Then they said:

No more crying. This sad shit must end.

Christmas was about family, but now it's about friends.

Thus began a new tradition.

The friends hung on Christmas and fun was their mission.

Who's the baddest motherfucker on Christmas day?

- Get in there. - Aww!

You knew.

- Boom! - What is it?

That shit holds a hundred songs at one time.

I got the new Dave Matthews downloaded.

- Oh, yeah. Ricky Martin. - Oh!

That guy slays ass.

They chilled with each other, did all sorts of stuff.

They drank many drinks, they fucked shit up.

Light his dick.

Unh!

Then one fateful night, 2008...

...they realized that Christmas can be even more great.

That eve at the bar, they saw quite a sight.

Fellow seekers ofjoy having one crazy night.

And there was a woman, so pretty to all.

They worked up the courage, proceeded to call.

- Excuse me. - Ethan said. And she turned with a fright.

Where were you guys partying earlier tonight?

At a place so great words cannot describe...

...with so many drinks for one to imbibe.

With so many drugs, I can't believe I survived.

What the fuck...

Ethan asked.

...is this party called?

Why, you haven't heard?

It's the Nutcracker Ball.

They asked all around, but to no avail.

Where was this great party, this whitest of whales?

And though year upon year they tried and they failed...

...they never did tire, they never did bail.

But over time, the fun did wane.

One friend had a family, the other had fame.

As the years passed, his boys, they grew up.

But it seems our boy Ethan is just a little bit stuck.

What's up, buddy? No?

All right. You guys want any of this?

- No, thank you. - Cool.

Keep it moving. There you go.

Yes, good.

Wait. No, no, no. What are you doing?

No one was eating this tuna, so I thought...

No, no, no. You don't get to make those executive decisions, elf.

How old are you?

- Thirty-three. - Thirty-three. Heh, heh.

Thirty-three years old, and you're an elf.

And you don't even know how to be an elf.

Show me the elf face.

Uh...

It's happy. It's eager.

More whimsical.

Whimsy. Determined, though.

- There you go! That's it! - That was it.

That's why you're coming back here with a full tray.

I'm gonna move you to coat check. This is your last chance.

And the whole time, I wanna see that elf face.

- Okay. - Starting now.

Go.

Go.

These two are together. No, gotta take the ticket.

Hi. Just you, sir?

Great. This is your ticket. Please try not to lose it.

This is a very expensive coat, so take care of it.

Absolutely, sir.

Here, ticket. Okay, this one.

Yeah.

Yeah. Great.

Hi. Merry Christmas, sir.

Hey, what are you doing?

Huh? Nothing.

I'm gonna be right back.

Now, where are you going?

I'm sick. Sick.

Whoa!

You're about to have the best night of your life.

You will learn valuable lessons, be filled with Christmas cheer...

...and probably get laid.

We will release the location of our party at 10 p.m.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, I know, Ma. I'm sorry, but I have to stay here and work hard.

How you think I'm having such an amazing season?

I love you too. Merry Christmas.

Bye.

What's up, fellas? How's it going, man?

Good to see you, baby. Merry Christmas.

You wanna take a picture, man? Let's do it.

Just leave it!

If you're not Christian, what are you?

I'm Jewish.

Is that why you look different?

What was that? Come again.

You just look funny.

I look funny?

You ever see The Shining?

- Isaac? - Yo!

What are you telling them?

I'm just talking to your lovely daughters...

...as though they are adults.

From a cognitive level, if you speak to kids like they're adults...

...it will make them more curious, it will open up their minds to more things.

- He's gonna be a great father. - Yeah.

I just hope we have kids as beautiful as you girls.

- Ow! - I'm sorry.

Sweeties, just come help Mommy in the kitchen.

- Are you okay? You want a hug? - That's okay.

Okay.

- Gosh, I am such a fucking piece of shit. - No, you're not at all.

I'm the worst mom. I'm gonna be terrible.

No. Don't say that.

What if I screw this up?

You won't. Studies show your maternal instincts really kick in in the last month.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm just nervous.

- It's fine. I love you so much. Okay? - I love you too.

Bets, look who it is.

Ethan!

Merry Christmas.

Oh, my God! You look so big!

- No. - No?

You don't know a lot of pregnant women, do you?

- I meant the baby. - No, I look really big.

You look great, and the baby's probably cramped...

- ...inside of your small, fit body. - Thank you. No, that's enough.

- Just shut up. It's all good. It's fine. - I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say.

She looks beautiful.

- You want a drink? - Sure.

- Do you want a drink, honey? - I'm okay right now.

Really?

Yeah. I'm kind of on call. Gotta keep my head on straight.

- But you're gonna drink tonight? - Yeah. For sure.

- Because I'm already kind of drunk. - I can tell.

- That's Chris. - Yeah.

Everybody, look who it is!

Merry Christmas, blessed Kwanzaa, happy Hanukkah!

Hey, man. How's it going?

Whoa! Look at this! Oh, my God!

I couldn't even tell you were pregnant till I saw you from the side.

Look how tiny you are!

That's so nice of you to say.

That is how you talk to a pregnant woman.

It's amazing. You've had the season of a lifetime. Congratulations, man.

- Congrats. - Thanks, man.

Got a new workout, new diet, new paleo thing I've been doing.

I've heard about that. And it works?

It rips you up. If you see me naked, it'll blow your mind.

I'd love to.

Kick ass.

Really can't believe we're doing this again this year.

I was done a few years ago, to be totally honest.

We're like those kids who won't stop trick-or-treating.

Eventually, they come to your door, you're like, "Eh."

- "No candy for you." - No.

"Pack it in, kid."

- But this is it. This is the last Christmas. - Last time. Right?

- Is he cool with it? - Yeah, I think so.

He looks happy right now, right?

I'm just saying, we're enabling him at this point.

We're not helping him get over his own problems.

On a psychological level, that's not good.

I've made a decision.

For a Christmas present tonight, I'm gonna take him under my wing.

I'm gonna help him and get him out of this rut.

It's a conversation we've been avoiding for 10 years, actually.

I know.

Just do it easy.

I'm going all in.

- Don't go all in. - Balls and all.

Have fun.

Take good care of my husband, all right? I like him.

We will.

Hey, Bets, tell Diana I said hello.

Yeah, no.

- No, no. Merry Christmas. - Mwah.

Bye-bye.

- Congratulations. - Mwah. Good to see you.

- Luckiest guy in the Park. - I sure am. Bye.

Can I talk to you for a second real quick?

What? We're not doing gifts now, are we?