Another Period

A little known sporting contest, the Olympics,

is coming to America for the first time.

As a Bavarian, I am most excited for the archery competition.

In fact, my nephew Adolf

is coming from Austria to observe.

Bull's-eye!

Adolf, did you see that?

Uncle Victor,

do you ever feel like the beauty of the world

is so intense that your heart may just

explode in your chest?

Oh, my God.

I know he's my nephew, but I must admit,

I do not care for Adolf Hitler.

And that concludes men's archery for today!

Huh. That's queer.

The way he said "men's archery,"

as though there could be any other kind.

And now may I present the competitors

for the first-ever Olympic women's archery team.

What... did he say "women's"?

Women? In Archery?

Women in archery!

No!

Absolutely disgusting!

God hates you! You!

And since all women are disabled when it comes to sport,

here to usher in this momentous new occasion,

my good friend, the one and only, Helen Keller.

Save your cheers and taunts.

She doesn't know where she is.

Of course they choose Helen Keller to be the ladies' sports ambassador.

She can't even compete!

I never let my circumstance

determine my destiny.

And neither do the inspiring women here.

By the tits of Medusa, don't clap.

She doesn't know you're clapping for her!

Keller or not, I'm joining this archery team.

Prep the sports corset.

Make ready my field gown.

If anyone's going to be famous for sports, it's going to be me.

Help me down.

Freddy, that is not how an adult unpacks.

What are you doing with the Constitution?

- Oh, I signed that. - You should not have done that.

Yeah, there's some tricky stuff

about black people in there.

Just find somewhere safe to keep it.

Freddy.

This is your birth certificate.

Says that you're adopted.

What?

That means your mother and father aren't your mother and father.

Mumu and Pupu?

That means that Lillian and Hortense aren't your sisters.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Wait, who's Hortense?

Neither is Beatrice.

I've been... having sex with a stranger my whole life?

No, if Beatrice isn't your sister,

that means you didn't commit incest.

Yes, I understand what it means!

You don't have to rub it in.

No, it's a good thing.

There is no scandal.

You're just... a regular adulterer.

It's a good thing?

Yes, everyone in Washington

cheats on their wives and vice versa.

What?

We'll announce the good news right after the Olympics.

I cannot believe they're allowing female archers

into the Olympics!

I mean, archery was our final refuge.

Yes, we have our clubs and our corporations,

and the entire Congress, but

what does any of it mean without archery?

Why can't women be happy with traditional ladies' sports,

like giving me a backrub or...

no sports at all?

It's not even the fact that they're women.

It's just that archery was good as it was.

And do you know what burns me?

When you're courting a woman and you think you have a...

a very good conversation

about the value of her father's horses,

and so you give your calling card to her butler.

And then she takes two weeks

to have her servant deliver her calling card to your butler.

- I mean, what are we even doing? - What are we doing?

Honestly, women's archery is but the first step

towards a world none of us would recognize.

Gentlemen, it is time to take action.

Excuse me, Uncle Victor,

but this conversation's a bit too barbaric for my taste.

Could I please go to the garden and draw?

Yes, go.

What was that?

Timothy, I have great news.

You're a princess.

Beatrice, I have great news.

What is it?

You and I are not brother and sister.

But... we have all the same servants.

I know, but Celery found my gift certificate, and I'm adopted.

Do you know what this means?

No.

It means that we can finally be together.

- Oh, Frederick. - Oh.

What? Is it my breath?

Because I've been playing this game

where I brush my teeth never.

No, that's not it.

It feels like something's missing.

With us.

Well, then, we have to go find it.

All wealthy women learn archery when they're young.

It's the only sport that teaches

the three basic tenets of womanhood:

silence, standing still, and crushing boredom.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

We are the WNBA!

The Worried Nationalists on Behalf of Archery.

And we are here to claim

archery as a sport for gentlemen!

So get your fat, bloated pig face

off of my archery range!

I'll tell you what, Victor.

We'll leave if you can hit the bull's-eye.

Hell, we'll leave if you can even hit the target.

Please.

This is so easy.

Ow.

No, no, no, this is...

this is a bow for women.

It's not regulation.

- Yeah. - Stop laughing.

No, no, actually... keep laughing.

As a man, I command you to keep laughing.

- That's it. - Ha-ha-ha.

This isn't over.

I've got quite a few more arrows in my...

uh, what's the thing they keep the arrows in?

My arrow... holder.

Beatrice and I lost our love somewhere,

so we decided to retrace our steps

and see where we left it.

And hopefully it's in the house,

because I once lost a teddy bear in the woods

and I never...

I never...

still out there.

Remember when we were babies,

and also last year when we used to take baths together?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe this is where we lost our love.

Oh, Frederick.

I don't think we left our love in the tub.

Remember this place,

where I lost my virginity to you...

and you're pretty sure you lost it to me?

Maybe this is where we lost our love.

Oh, Frederick.

I'm sorry.

I don't think we left it here either.

Remember this place?

No.

Not at all.

Me neither. I don't think I've even ever been in this room before.

Why did I bring you here?

Frederick. Did you ever think...

Don't say it. Don't say that I would have lost

that foot race to Chucky Addleston if I hadn't

told him his mother died of an exploding brain.

I wasn't.

Oh.

I was going to say,

do you think maybe our love is gone because

we're no longer brother and sister?

Well, maybe we can just pretend.

You mean, like role play?

Ooh! I call Beatrice.

You always get to be Beatrice.

Well, maybe because I'm better at it than you.

"Grr. I'm Beatrice. And I'm your sister.

And I'll poison the nanny if she tries to teach us the alphabet."

"Ooh, I'm Frederick. And I'm your brother.

We share the same toilet."

Oh.

And we share the same...

Parents.

- Oh, Beatrice. - Oh, Frederick.

Oh, oh, oh, be gentle.

Ah!

Wait, wait.

It's no use.

I think, maybe,

being twins was the only thing keeping us together.