The New Normal

Hi, honey. How was school?

Mom, you know how we have to give all our mobile devices

to the teacher before a test so we can't cheat?

Mm-hmm. Turns out,

Wilbur has been sneaking an iTouch

under that affected hipster hat he wears

so Mr. Litchfield took away his hat, and Wilbur went

totally aggro... he was like,

"don't touch the bleeping hat!"

It was exhilarating. How was your day?

Ooh, bleeping exhausting.

This by is sucking up all my energy.

I know what will wake you up.

A dance party.

No, Shania, the baby's sleeping right now

so mommy has to stay real still.

Come on!

Let's dance.

Hey, okay.

Wiggle.

Woo-hoo!

Push the cart.

You know what, honey?

Um, baby, you've hardly touched

your video games lately.

Why don't you kill some zombies or open a bakery or something?

Okay, cool.

How much screen time can I have?

Let me just close my eyes and have a think about that.

Oh, gosh.

Ah, yeah.

Seven, eight, nine, 30.

Okay, so you can see

that doing cpr on a baby is no different

than doing cpr on an adult.

Except you can't pound on the baby's chest and scream,

"breathe, damn it!"

Or you'll probably crush most of its ribs

and its vertebrae. Or you could puncture

the pericardium. Look at you, very good.

Exactly right, David.

Okay, it's your turn.

Okay. Now, we're just gonna dive right in

to a life and death scenario. Great.

Your baby just swallowed a button. Oh, no.

It's airway is blocked. Okay.

What's the first thing you do... go!

Uh, make sure you have a replacement button.

Bryan, come on.

Oh. Ooh.

Oh, I'm sorry, I just have

a quick Twitter emergency.

Now? It's life or death.

Honey, this is life or death.

I'm in the middle of a horrible

PR crisis at work.

What happened?

I spoke very loudly

at one of the actresses on sing!

Because she showed up late

to rehearsal and reeked of John Mayer.

Okay. And then, she tweets

about it, and now all of Twitter is saying

that I'm mean, and my face is doughy and bloodless.

Which actress was it? Was it the bohemian one? Okay...

No, that's a different one.

Ooh, she seems like a real pain in the ass, that one.

She is a pain in the...

I could tell you stories that would curl your hair.

Guys, baby.

Yeah. Oh.

Just let me finish this real quick for work.

That's what you said last night, when I caught you on dlisted

reading about how Brazil needs One Direction.

: They do.

This is my work, honey.

Is that me or you? That's not me.

Oh, it's me. Jennifer love Hewitt Google alert.

Ooh. She's getting takeout in Brentwood. Yeah.

Chinese? No. Indian.

Huh? What's the story behind that?

Guys, come on.

Sorry. Yes.

Okay.

Ooh. Oh! Oh. Ooh, it's a ratings update.

What did they say? Yeah, it's the live plus threes. That's the DVR numbers.

That's really the only thing that matters now. That's what I heard.

Is the live plus threes. You know what else matters now?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, okay. Yuh-huh. And how.

Aah, what do I do?!

Both: Open the airway.

Ooh.

Oh. (Laughs) Okay.

It's so pavlovian, isn't it?

As soon as you hear a ding,

you just reach for your phone. Right?

It's like our brain is now trained to do it that way.

Whenever I hear a ding or a ring,

I'm like a dog in a car.

It's like the ding is the new ring. Hey...

I'm gonna tweet that. I'm gonna retweet it.

I'm gonna take a picture of you retweeting,

and then we're gonna instagram it. Oh.

Nice. (Beeping) Well, that's not me.

Oh, it's not me. That actually could be me.

No, it's not...

Oh.

Oh.

Sometimes you can save 'em,

and sometimes you can't.

So what happened with that bohemian girl?

Does she smell as bad as she looks?

Well, every time she walks

out of her damn trailer, it's like Woodstock

just waft... It's like a burning...

Carla: I can smell her from my couch.

Right this way.

Thanks.

I bet this is a first for you.

Having lunch with a black person.

I will have you know

that I once had brunch with Mr. Nipsey Russell.

I won a contest.

You know, the first 11 times I met you,

I felt like choking you out.

But now I see, you just speak your mind.

We're not so different, Jane.

Please. Call me Mrs. forrest.

And don't get too carried away with yourself.

We had drinks on Halloween.

Doesn't mean we're gonna start

swapping underpants anytime soon.

Well, good, because I'm not wearing any.

I'm just saying, we're both smart women

with strong opinions and life goals.

Oh, yeah? What are your life goals?

Well, being Bryan's assistant is just a stepping stone for me.

Pretty soon, I'll produce my own TV shows,

I'll own a ranch in Santa Barbara

and have my own assistant.

You interested?

Thanks, no. I have my own plans.

You see, since I'm going to be here

until Goldie delivers the baby,

I thought I'd get my California real estate license.

I start classes at the learning annex next week.

The annex? Yeah.

Get with the times, woman.

Take those classes online right now.

The Internet is for porn mongers

and people too rude to write a proper thank-you note.

Anyway, I am a people person.

I did fine in Ohio with just a flyer

and an ad in the yellow pages.

Well, you know, in today's world,

if you don't exist online, you don't exist.

Now, at some point, you'll need to figure out your brand...

what you do, why you do it better

and how to turn that into a customized fragrance.

In the meantime, we can get you set up with an e-mail,

a web site and a Twitter account.

How long will all that take?

Here's your Twitter account.

But that didn't take but two seconds of work.

Your people must love this Internet.

Look, when you want to say something to the world,

you type it right here on Twitter.

Now, you're gonna need

to think before you...

Oh, my God. It's like giving a monkey a loaded gun.

Bryan, can you grab the salad dressing?

It's in the other bag.

Bryan? Yes. What?

Dressing. Yes.

Shania, come to the table, please.

Hey, David,

I'm IM-ing with my friend, and her father's

complaining of an inflammation in his right thigh.

I went on webmd, and I think it might be phlebitis,

but what do you think?

Warning: May be graphic.

Oh, my God, that's phlebitis.

Who is your friend?

Ngabile. She lives

in... Zambia.

Zambia. Oh, I should tweet that.

Yeah. Sing! Should do

a cover of Toto's "Africa."

"Love or hate? Vote, and you decide."

Look, this is a great PR tool. Watch how this will work.

Shania, put that away, please.

Mom, I'm trying to save a man's life.

You know, I read online

that the whole eating-for-two thing is a myth,

but I don't care.

I'm gonna eat enough for triplets. (Laughs)

Guys?

Guys?

Guys! No. Bryan. He's constantly on that thing.