Lopez

George Lopez! Come here! I need your help with this gardener!

I can't, I'm talking to this lady. Wow, stroller, pink hair, hey!

- George! - Hey, man.

- Wow, last night we talked, huh? - I don't remember.

- I feel like we can talk now, you know? - Yeah, we can.

And you're right, I am having problems with my wife.

I mean, we haven't had marital relations in, like, months!

I haven't seen her cans!

- Too much, I don't... - That's not a good sign, right?

- Dude, all right, just don't trespass. - Can we talk?

- Okay. - Can I... should I call you, or what?

- Gotta go! - Hey!

George Lopez!

Who puts a dog in a baby carriage?

Dog in a carriage? Sounds cute.

She had him buckled in, and he had pink hair!

- Women in Beverly Hills... - Let me tell you about... oh!

What's all these people doing right here?

Oh yeah, I heard they put in a new Chipotle.

Seriously? That's what they're in line for?

See, here's the thing: they think

they're getting authentic Mexican food, right?

But an authentic Mexican restaurant

doesn't have a sign that says "No Lard."

They got a sign that says "Lard!"

That's right. Manteca de cerdo.

- Right? - Uh-huh.

That's what I'm telling you: We're never gonna find

a place to eat around here.

Let's go back to the old neighborhood, eh?

Where you can have real Mexican food and dogs roam free!

- Oh man, that was good. - Yeah, thanks for lunch, homes.

- You got it. - It was good seeing you.

Let's do it again in the near future. Hey, seriously whichever one of you guys

took the tip off the table, go put it back.

- Hey! - What's up?

- What's happening, guys, what's up? - They're doing great!

They won the season championship last weekend.

- You guys are the champs? - Yeah!

Man, when I played on San Fernando, we never...

had players that were any good, you know?

- You got some rings? Let me see! - We didn't get them.

They need the ring money to fix the field.

Oh, that's not right. When you're a champ, you gotta have a ring,

- show everybody that you're a champ! - Yeah!

I'll tell you what. I'ma buy the rings for the whole team.

- Oh, yeah! - Whoa!

All right, George!

That was really nice, jefe.

Hey, Manolo, I feel more relaxed.

The sky is bluer, air is fresher, you know?

You know why?

Uh... that Percocet you got off Eduardo?

Yeah, partially, but no.

I think it's because I'm back in the hood, man, amongst the people.

Percocet constipates me.

Hey, what about being able to come back

and buy championship rings for the team?

If you did that, my mom might actually like you.

Hey, wait a minute. Look up there, hey!

- That lot is for sale! - Oh, yeah?

- That one we used to play baseball in! - Yeah. Whoa. Wait, you know what?

- Pull the car over. - A'ight.

Wow.

So what do you think?

- Of all the dog crap? - No!

The syringes?

No, Manolo, the lot, man, the location!

- You can see the O'Reilly Auto Parts! - Lift you head above that.

Look at... you can see Hidden Hills;

the reservoir right there that's empty.

You know, I always had a fantasy

of having a place of comfort and tranquility.

Isn't that what you have in Beverly Hills?

No. Beverly Hills, it doesn't have the flavor,

the smells, I mean... Smell that! That's chorizo.

My neighborhood smell like toast.

This is beautiful, right here.

You know what, Manolo?

I'm gonna buy this land.

And I'm gonna build a house, and I'm gonna live right here amongst my people!

Hey, jefe? You mind if I start picking up all these bottles and cans?

So I could recycle and make a little extra feria?

Yeah, go ahead.

This will be tranquil!

I'ma call this "Casa de Tranquil."

Hey, jefe, there's a car coming.

Yeah.

Is that her?

That's gotta be Alita Vargas.

Hey, you remember what I told you?

- Yeah. - All right, fool, go ahead.

- Don't trip. I got you covered. - Just don't mention me at all.

All right.

- Excuse me. How you doin'? - Hi!

Mister Manolo, I'm Alita Vargas.

- Yeah, I want to buy this. - Oh, it's an excellent site.

Zoned for business, residential, whatever you want.

Can I ask how long have you been looking?

- About 30 minutes? - No, no no, I mean for... um...

You know what?

Here are the site specs.

Is that price within your budget?

Yeah, it looks good, I'll take it.

Oh. Have you been preapproved?

You know, for credit?

If you say so.

You expect me to believe you're the buyer?

What are you going to do, grow beans?

- Yeah, something like that. - Mmm.

Hey!

You know what? I know you!

You're that guy that's always hanging out at La Azteca!

- Manolo! - Who's in the car?

Uh, what car?

That car.

Nobody.

- Nobody, huh? - What's she doing?

- Hey! - No!

Whoever you are, stop being a pussy and show your face.

Come on! Let's go, open up!

- George Lopez! - Hey. How you doing, I... I'm um,

working on a new show called, uh, "Hidden Jorge."

It's a lot of...

it's on Telemundo. A lot of cameras out here, recording devices...

- All right, that's a wrap, guys. - Uh-huh.

Yeah, you just didn't want me to know you were the buyer

because you thought I'd charge you too much.

- Hey, no. - She's onto us, jefe.

What is George Lopez doing buying in this neighborhood anyway?

- I'm from here, you know? - I know!

The question is why are you back here?

Well you know, I kind of missed, uh,

how beautiful it is out here, and you know...

How breathtaking the scenery is.

Oh, um... are you working with a realtor now?

I am... no. I'm unattached.

Uh... and I don't have a realtor either.

Oh, I suppose I could take you on.

Oh, can you handle this? It's a lot to...

- Oh, I love a challenge. - Ooh, okay.

All this back-and-forth is like "Mr. and Mrs. Smith."

You know, where Brad and Angelina try to assassinate each other?

Okay, go... go get the pistachio shells out of the car.

Claro, sí.

You know, since, um, I already rep the owner, I could charge less commission.

Get you a good price.

That would be great, that's a win-win.

- It is. It really is. - What exactly...

Yes, okay, here's the site specs.

- Okay. Wow. That's a great lot. - Yes, it is.

I love weekends here.

That's why if the priest gave scores to the football games,

I'd be at church every Sunday.

If the Rams move to L.A.,

none of us would be going to church on Sundays.

- Hey, man, you recording me? - No.

Yes. It's for the podcast!

What did you guys end up calling that?

Cholo Chat!

George Lopez!

You come back to steal more of my stories for your standup?

Hey, man, relax, you're in a public place!

I wrote letters about your terrible show.

I tried to get it off the air.

Finally got it canceled but that shit's still on my TV, man!

George Lopez!

- Dude. - Here, hide it, just hide it, man!

Manolito!

Hey, ma. That's for lunch? I'm starving!

No te quiero cerca de mi hijo.

No eres buena persona.

- She says you're a bad influence. - I got a star on the Walk of Fame

when you were in Pelican Bay. How am I a bad influence?

Tienes una boca sucia!

Necesitas ir a la iglesia.

She says you use too many dirty words in your act,

- and she's never seen you in church. - I speak Spanish.

...que va cambiar.

I didn't say I was going to change!

- Got it all right here. - What is that, a Cholo Chat exclusive?

Yeah.

George Lopez. You are a good man, a great man to buy rings for our team.

Yeah man, thank you.

You know what? Those look nice right there.

Nice, yes, but we want more than nice for our boys, no?

Whoa, man, come on! That looks like a Super Bowl ring!

Exactly.

Each one will be hand-crafted.

Each one will have little diamonds

that spell out "San Fernando."

Wow, San Fernando's a big word. It's actually, uh, it's two words!

It's cool, though. If you give someone a beatdown,

they'll have San Fernando marked all over their face.

So uh, how much are we talking about?

For you, the funny man discount, huh?

$1,400 all in.

Come... that's a relief, phew!

- I can give you that right now! - Hang on.

Right there, I put $1,500, you know.