Bachelor Games

IT WAS MY IDEA.

ALL MY STUPID IDEA.

AND IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO BLAME

BLAME ME.

THE THING IS, I HAD A PLAN.

IT WAS ALL WORKED OUT.

EVERY LAST DETAIL.

NO ONE WAS MEANT TO GET HURT.

THIS WHOLE WEEKEND

WAS MEANT TO SET THINGS RIGHT.

BUT IT'S LIKE THE MAN SAID,

EVERYBODY'S GOT A PLAN,

UNTIL YOU GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE.

-YOU GOT HIM? - A BIT OF A PROBLEM.

OH, LAY IT ON ME, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE?

NEW RESTRICTIONS AT IMMIGRATION.

APPARENTLY, THEY HAVE TO BE CAREFUL

ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF BELL-ENDS THEY ALLOW

IN THE COUNTRY THESE DAYS.

-THERE'S ALWAYS A DANGER WITH THOSE TWO. -YEAH, I DROPPED YOUR NAME.

THEY SAID AS LONG AS THEY'RE WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES,

THEY'RE ALLOWED IN.

WHO INVITED TERRENCE?

OH, YOU DID.

-REALLY? -YEAH.

I PLEAD TEMPORARY INSANITY.

NOT GONNA GET AWAY WITH THAT.

BET YOU'RE NOT EVEN PACKED, ARE YOU?

OF COURSE I AM.

YEAH, I'VE GOT TWO COCKS.

AH, SO THERE IS ONE IN YOUR PANTS

AS WELL AS ON YOUR HEAD.

NICE. NICE.

WELL, I'M OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE

SO IF YOU HAVEN'T SETTLED

BY THE TIME I GET TO YOUR DOOR

YOU WILL BE STANDING THERE LIKE A LEMON?

YOU'LL BE SHARING A ROOM WITH TERRENCE!

BUT IT'S MY STAG.

EXACTLY.

THREE SECONDS...

TWO...

WHOO.

ONE.

OH, EASY!

OH, IT SUITS YOU, ROY.

AH, SOMEONE LEFT IT ON THE PLANE, MATE.

-WHEN IN ROME, EH? -I'LL REPEAT WE'RE NOT IN ROME,

OR INDEED MEXICO.

HEY COME IN!

OH!

-NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO, T. -MATE, YOU'RE KIDDING.

A PACK OF WIDE HORSES WOULDN'T HAVE STOPPED ME.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS, RULE NUMBER 101,

I WANT NO TEXTING, NO CALLING,

NO FACEBOOKING THE MISSUS, ROY.

PHONES IN THE HAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

-OOH. -THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ROY.

WAIT. LILLY WILL KILL ME.

OH, COME ON, FUCKFACE, IT'S THE RULES.

WAIT, GIVE IT BACK.

COME ON.

AND PLEASE MAKE THAT--

THAT'S NEW, BE CAREFUL, WILL YA?

-LOOK, GUYS. -

KNOCK IT OFF.

-OH COME NOW, ROY. -MATE, WE'RE ON HOLIDAY.

MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE ONE PHONE UP THERE

JUST IN CASE WE RUN INTO A BIT OF TROUBLE.

YOU SCARED ALREADY?

WITH FRIENDS LIKE YOU TWO, YEAH.

COME ON, HENRY, I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE YOU

A WEEKEND YOU'LL NEVER FORGET, MATE.

WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT, LEON.

MATE.

UNTWIST YOUR KNICKERS, MATE.

YES.

SHOTGUN.

OH, THAT MEANS YOU'RE IN THE BACK.

OH, WHOA, WHOA. COME ON, GUYS.

I DIDN'T PAY THROUGH THE NOSE TO SIT IN CATTLE CLASS.

WE'LL SWAP.

COME ON!

i¡AÁNDALE!

-i¡AÁNDALE, ANDALE! -i¡VAMOS!

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GO INTO IN A PUB

AND THEN A STRIP CLUB?

TRIED AND TESTED. SINCE THE DAWN OF MAN.

SUCH A CLICHEÉ.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH A CLICHEÉ?

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT A CLICHEÉ IS CALLED A CLICHEÉ

BECAUSE CLICHEÉS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE FUCKING GOOD?

NO, OF COURSE NOT, SWEETHEART.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE LIKE THAT.

I WANT THIS WEEKEND TO BE SPECIAL

NOT SPENT WATCHING SOME BIRD

FLICK HER CLACKERS IN MY FACE.

WHAT'S NOT SPECIAL ABOUT THAT?

HAPPENS TO YOU EVERY DAY, DOES IT?

IF IT DOES, I'LL LEAVE THE ROOM.

YES, I PROMISE.

LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS WHEN YOU GET ASKED TO PACK

A PAIR OF HIKING BOOTS FOR A STAG WEEKEND,

IT'S USUALLY GOING TO BE SHIT.

AREN'T YOU A TWAT.

OH, PISS OFF. THESE ARE ITALIAN, YOU MUG.

OH, I KNOW, LOVE.

I JUST THINK IT'S ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE

IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF.

-AND THESE POOR-- -LILLY, TERRENCE,

ROY IS CURRENTLY INDISPOSED

AS WE'RE ABOUT TO STOP AND CHANGE THE OIL...

ON SOME CHEERLEADERS.

LILLY, LIL-- HELLO?

I-- I THOUGHT WE WERE MEANT TO SWAP?

DON'T WORRY, MATE. THE VIEW'S MUCH BETTER FROM BACK HERE.

WHOO!

RACE YOU TO THE BAR, FELLAS!

OH, I THINK ME BLADDER'S GONNA EXPLODE!

IT LOOKS GREAT, MATE.

WELL, I SUPPOSE THE HILTON

WOULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A CLICHEÉ.

OW!

-HOLA. -HOLA.

- -QUE?

-"PISSARIO?" -EL BAÑO?

OVER THERE. YES.

TENEMOS UNA RESERVA

-MM-HMM. -NOMBRE JOHNSON.

JOHNSON. YOU'RE MR. JOHNSON.

-WELCOME. -MM-HMM.

FOLLOW ME.

HE WANTS TO CHOP THAT IN HALF

LIKE THEIR FIREWOOD.

THE KEYS. YOUR ROOM IS UP THAT WAY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

DE NADA. AH, YOUR FRIEND.

HE'S WAITING FOR YOU.

BUKAKKA!

MAX!

NEVER LEAVE A MAN BEHIND.

FINALLY WRAPPED MY TOUR LAST WEEK.

EVERYONE, MAX. MAX, EVERYONE.

TERRENCE. GOOD TO HAVE YOU ONBOARD, BROTHER.

HOW YOU DOING, MAN.

-HEY? -WHOA!

-NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU, MATE. -THANKS, MAN, YEAH.

-ROY. -ROY. HOW YOU DOING?

HELLO, MATE. LEON, BEST MAN.

OH, THIS IS THE BEST MAN.

I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

ALL GOOD, I HOPE.

SEÑORA LILLY ON THE PHONE FOR ROY?

AH, YES, THAT'S ME.

SORRY, BOYS. SO SORRY.

HOW THE HELL DID SHE DO IT?

SHE'S LIKE A ONE WOMAN GPS.

AND A PAIR OF FRIED EGG TITS.

COME, LET'S EAT.

SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING

OUT IN THIS LAND, PRIVATE?

-CORPORAL. -CORPORAL.

I'LL PUT IT THIS WAY. THIS VACATION'S BEEN

-A LONG TIME COMING. -OH, MAN, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

HOW MANY DID YOU KILL?

LEON, MATE, FOR FUCK SAKE,

YOU CAN'T ASK A MAN THAT.

YOU MEAN LIKE KILL?

OR MURDER?

LEON, WHAT ABOUT THIS STRIPPER?

-OH, STRIPPER, FUCK, YEAH. -YEAH, MATE.

STRIPPER, STRIPPER, STRIPPER, STRIPPER.

I DON'T WANT A STRIPPER.

YEAH, SURE YOU DON'T, HENRY, COME ON.

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN, I'M OFF TO THE TOILET.

TO CHECK THAT I'VE STILL GOT

A PAIR OF BOLLOCKS BETWEEN MY LEGS.

WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU?

- - YO, T,

T, IS THAT YOU?

YEAH, YEAH, MATE. I'M JUST HAVING A SHIT.

COME ON, MAN. SHARE THE LOVE.

-TELL ANYONE-- -"I'LL KILL YOU."

YOU GOT A SECRET STASH.

I SURE AS HELL HOPE THIS SHIT