Happy Endings

Thank you all for coming to the unveiling

of my latest culinary creation. Max?

Have you ever felt like the Big Mac wasn't big enough

or the footlong wasn't feet long enough?

Well, have no fear, ladies and gentlemen,

and feast your eyes upon Steaktanic!

2 pounds of meat. Steaktanic.

1 liter of garlic ololi. Steaktanic.

A half a block of smoked gouda, three layers of lettuce,

iceberg... dead ahead.

Wow, that is disgusting and illegal, I think.

Steaktanic.

Guys, I gotta do something.

This hot dog truck that keeps parking next to me--

they're killing me. Oh, dogs in heat-- that place is legit.

Oh, I love that commercial.

Their meat can be beat. I will beat their meat.

Whoa. This whole town will see me beating--

ohh. I see.

Dave, you know what you need? A commercial.

Arm twisted. I'll direct it. What?

Yeah, you remember my award-winning short film

I did in college-- "dogleg right."

The gripping tale of a semi-professional golfer

who had his leg amputated only to have it replaced

by that of his beloved German Shepherd?

"The heart of a champion, the leg of a champion dog."

I need you to get those DVDs out of my garage.

Max, no offense, but if I was gonna make a commercial,

I'd hire a professional director.

So, guys, things are going great with my new sweetums Keith.

Four dates in, all systems go.

So we're not doing segues now? No, I gave those up, along with gluten.

Oh. Weird part is, now that I have a guy,

everybody wants to set me up. Oh.

Oh, I know. Al!

What? I should hook you up with some of my "extras."

You know my co-worker Teresa with the baby teeth?

Yeah. With the big gums?

She told me about this guy Liam who sounded amazing.

Thank you, but I am enjoying being single, okay?

Like when I go to the movies, I get to solve

all the pre-movie trivia at my own pace.

Did you guys know that Jack Palance

did all his own stunts for "city slickers"

but didn't do them for the sequel?

Yeah. You can give Liam my number.

I think I'd better.

Sync & Correcting by QwipZ

Wow, Liam, this place looks amazing.

Well, penny mentioned you studied abroad in France,

and I immediately thought of this place.

Oh. I got mono the first day I was there,

so the only French I know is from lying in bed

watching "cheers" reruns.

"Norm!"

So tell me, who is Alex?

She's loving this bread, I'll tell you that.

You know, for a fancy place, it's sort of dead.

Haven't they heard of a flier?

I have a little confession to make.

I rented out the entire restaurant.

I have planned an amazing evening.

Whatever you desire is yours.

In that case...

I'll have a little more of this bread.

Yah!

Land.

Honey, do you really need to practice your parkour exercises

in the house?

Babe. Okay, that's twice now.

And you're sweating on my bruschetta.

Okay, as undistracting as all this is,

you're not gonna be able to practice your little

extreme walking in the house for a few days, because remember,

my sorority sister Sara is coming to town

for her yearly visit.

Oh, yeah! Sara's coming again.

That's awesome!

I know. We are going to have so much fun entertaining her.

First, we're gonna hit up that new farmer's market,

and then we're gonna take a visit to the Russian tea room.

Am I done? Nope. Not nyet,

'cause when we wanna crank it up,

we're gonna go to that place where you can get

custom perfumes made. It's gonna be nuts.

What? What are you doing?

Raising the roof on signature scents right now.

That is what's... Happening.

Stop. All righty.

Babe, I'm not gonna be here.

I have a work retreat in Michigan this weekend. What?

Yeah. It's not gonna be the same without you.

I know. My retreat's not gonna be the same either. Re.

Yeah, 'cause I'm stealth as hell.

Damn right you are. Tiger roll!

We okay?

I can't believe you're gonna make an actual commercial,

and you're not gonna let me direct it.

Max, I just decided it would be better to go with people

who are professionals, not somebody who wears

a turtleneck he found on the ground.

Aha! This is a mock turtleneck, and I found it in the garbage.

Oh.

Getting a phone call from my real buddy--Brad.

I bet he'd let me direct a commercial for him--

a commercial about friendship.

Hello, amigo.

Max...

Need a favor, buddy.

I forgot my sleep apnea device at home.

I need you to bring it to my hotel.

In Michigan? I don't know where that is.

You absolutely know where Michigan is.

You were an extra in the movie "8 mile,"

and, uh... I'm not in Michigan. I'm in Chicago.

What are you doing in Chicago?

You see, every year, Jane's annoying sorority sister

comes into town, so last year I faked a work retreat

because I could not take it anymore.

We're easy, we're easy,

we're easy on the eyes.

We're spread, we're spread, we're spreadin' our wings!

We're soar, we're soar, we're soaring through the skies!

Whoo-hoo!

It's just a little stay-cation.

I get to relax, make awesome stay-cation friends.

Like who did I meet today?

It's America's sweetheart, Brent Musburger.

You are looking live at Brent Musburger.

And his new best friend, Brad Williams.

Back to you, Max.

What are you doing here?

I stay here every time I cover

the Northwestern wildcats, sports fan.

By the way, if you're hungry, they make a mean Musburg..

Why are we laughing?

I'm on a stay-cation, so who cares?

So... penny, are things still going well with Keith?

Yeah, like, our date last night was great.

It was super low-key we ate grilled cheese sandwiches.

We watched "con air." We talked about whatever--

life, love, daylight savings time.

Arizona doesn't even do it.

Hmm? Speaking of dates,

how was yours with Liam?

I know. First dates can be rough.

It was kinda crazy. He rented out the whole restaurant.

Wow! Yeah.

That's a lot for a first date.

And he had a private dancer teach us the dance moves

to the video "private dancer."

That's my jam.

Then we had a midnight helicopter tour of Chicago.

Well, my date was also awesome.

It was so... Like, we watched "con air"

with the director's commentary.

So here I am, laughing and learning. Guess what?

Sara just canceled last minute.

I'm having an entire pamper spa package

delivered in an hour.

But I guess somehow staging an intervention for her dad

trumps all of that.

So a helicopter tour? Yeah.

Was that a groupon thing, or did he pay upfront?

What's the story there?

What am I gonna do now?

Hey...

You guys wanna hang? We can pamper ourselves, ladies.

Honey-roasted cashews,

lavender-scented towels coming in red-hot for you.

I can't. I have another date with Liam.

He's picking me up in a horse-drawn carriage

for a ride along lake Michigan.

Slow down, Liam.

Yeah, well, Keith is picking me up in the Batmobile.

What?

He's a bat exterminator, and that's what his company

calls the van... But still very grand.

Thank you for coming to watch my very first tv commercial!

Yeah! Whoo!

Now this is what the industry calls a "rough cut,"

so it's not there yet, okay?

It's gotta go through various phases like the sound mix,

which is different from sound design.

Most people don't know that. Stop.

Play.

Hi. I'm Dave rose,

and this is my truck, steak me home tonight.

Here at steak me home,

tonight, we'll only use the finest ingredients.

And if you happen to be browsing the Internet,

visit my world wide web address...

U-uh...

U-uh... U-uh...

Well, that--that was... Horrible.

No! U-uh...

Yeah. Yeah.

I know. Yay. You were-- you were--you were in it.

Guys, what am I gonna do?