The Beaver

(AS BEAVER) This is a picture of Walter Black,

a hopelessly depressed individual.

Somewhere inside him is a man who fell in love,

who started a family...

And then I woke up.

...who ran a successful company.

That man has gone missing.

No matter what he's tried,

and he's tried everything,

Walter can't seem to bring him back.

It's as if he's died

but hasn't had the good sense to take his body with him.

So, mostly, what he does is sleep.

Shares in his father's once-proud toy company

are now almost as worthless as Walter feels.

His family used to resemble something out of a holiday greeting card

but now seems to be in perpetual mourning.

Henry, his youngest, has become what his teachers call "solitary."

He'd like to become invisible one day

instead of merely unnoticed by his own father.

And, Porter, his eldest?

Well, he's terrified of becoming just like his father.

His mission? To catalog every dreaded similarity that links them.

Every lip bite.

Every neck crack. Every involuntary behavior.

He plans to erase them one by one.

His wife, Meredith, has hidden herself behind her engineering work

and nighttime conference calls to Tokyo and rollercoaster designs.

Anything to drown out the reality of an absent husband.

Walter's depression is an ink that stains everything it touches.

A black hole that swallows all who get near.

They've all been waiting for him to wake up,

to snap out of it,

but he hasn't.

So, Meredith does the only thing left to do

and says the only thing left to say.

Goodbye.

Jared, you're failing this class.

Do you honestly think you can suddenly hand in an "A" paper and get away with it?

What about Hector?

You got him an "A" in Family Development.

Look, I've never written anything for Hector. All right?

If he told you differently, he's a liar.

Hypothetically, had I written him something,

we would have raised his grades incrementally.

And if that happened, then, yes, he might have turned in an "A" paper.

He might even be making a "B" in a class that he used to be failing.

So, if someone wanted me to do this, and do it as them,

in their voice and at their skill level,

I would say that they could either do it my way

or take your chances buying some piece of shit off the Internet.

- $200 every time? If it's too much, write it yourself.

More than I pay for weed.

Sorry, buddy.

You passed me again.

I know, honey. I was looking.

How was your day?

Did you talk to anyone?

I guess.

A new person or an old person?

New.

Good. What did you talk about?

He said I was a ball-licker.

I told him I wasn't, and he threw me in the dumpster.

What?

Did you tell your teacher?

She got me out of the dumpster.

Well, this must be some kind of misunderstanding,

and we just have to realign or correct their...

I'll talk to the teacher.

Is Dad gone?

No. He's not gone, honey.

We just agreed that it's better if we don't live together anymore. Okay?

(ON TV) What do you look for beyond the sea, Grasshopper?

That part ofme which I know little of.

The past of which I was born.

Then, some day, you must seek it.

Is it good to seek the past, Master Po?

Does it not rob the present?

If a man dwells on the past, then he robs the present.

But if a man ignores the past, he may rob the future.

- The seeds of our destiny are nurtured... - That's beautiful, Grasshopper.

Here. Here you go.

You moved.

Oi!

Hmm.

You know, since we're making changes around here,

maybe you want to get, like, a plumber or something.

I mean, this place is falling apart.

Well, that's too bad, because there's really not much we can do about it, is there?

Whoa, relax. I'm on your side, okay. I'm glad you kicked him out.

I'm just saying this whole eating-at-the-table thing together.

I mean, that's... How long do you expect us to keep that up?

I don't know, Porter.

Maybe until we start respecting each other again?

You know, maybe when we start asking each other how was our day

and clearing out the dishes...

Maybe I should get a paper route, too.

(ON TV) Then I'm going to guess the number.

If I guess right, we do the kitten story.

Two big stories to get to tonight, unfortunately...

(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Wake up.

Wake up, you worthless sod.

Bloody hell. Look at you.

Stone-drunk and flattened by a television.

That's quite an obituary you're working up for yourself, Walter.

Leave me alone.

No. Can't do that. You don't want that.

'Cause I'm the only one what knows how you really feel.

Everybody needs a friend, Walter.

And you've got me.

That's why you read all them useless self-help books.

Chicken Soup, Positive Thinking, How to Win Friends.

Which one has the chapter about dropping the telly on your head?

I'm sick.

Yeah, Walt. On that, we agree.

The question is, do you want to get better?

I can't.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're depressed. - Yeah.

Lethargic. Anhedonia.

Wake up!

Books and pills. They're cotton candy.

You've seen too many home-improvement shows.

You think you can just

splash up some paint and rearrange the furniture,

and everything will be all right.

You want things to change? I mean, really change?

You gotta forget about home improvement, Walter.

You have gotta blow up the whole bloody building.

What are you gonna do, Walter?

- Blow it up. - Louder!

Blow it up! Blow it the fuck up! Blow it up! Blow it up!

Right.

Too right, mate.

You can blow it up. Start again.

Who are you?

I'm the Beaver, Walter, and I'm here to save your goddamn life.

Hey.

I'm sorry. I must have passed him again. He just blends in.

No, his dad picked him up early.

Walter?

He said he sent you a text. Your husband is quite a character.

Mom, you gotta see what we did.

- Okay. Where's your father? - Come on! I'll show you.

You put your memory in it.

Where'd you get that?

- We made it. - You and your dad?

Me and the Beaver.

- The Beaver? - (DOOR OPENS)

Any idea where Walter stuffed the power sander

you gave him two Christmases ago?

No?

No trouble. We'll make do.

Walter, what's with the accent and the puppet?

- Give her the thing. - Right.

"Hello. The person who handed you this card

"is under the care of a prescription puppet."

Walter, what the hell is this?

Henry, mate, go see if you can find that varnish we was talking about.

- I'll get it! - Thanks, mate!

Did you read the card?

- Yes, I... - Read the card.

- I've... - Read the card.

"The person who handed you this card is under the care of a prescription puppet

"designed to help create a psychological distance between himself

"and the negative aspects of his personality.

"Please treat him as you normally would

"but address yourself to the puppet. Thank you."

There you go.

- Is this some kind of a joke? - No, hardly, love. Nothing funny about it.

Stop it with the puppet!

All right. I'm confused, Walter, and I need some answers right now.

He said if I stick with it that maybe...

He? Who said that?

Dr. Macy.

Dr. Macy? You quit seeing him.

Well, I went back.

So this is some kind of a program?

I'll field that one. Yes, Meredith. The answer is yes.

That is exactly what it is.

I know it seems radical,

but in cases like Walter's, cases where all else has been known to fail,

it's proven quite effective.

But if it's going to work, it's going to need your full support.

It's very big in Sweden.

I couldn't find it.

Ah. No worries.

I best be on me bike.

You're not leaving, are you?

Don't worry. I'll come back this weekend, then.

But you have to stay for dinner! Mom, let him stay for dinner!

Look, it's all right.

- I don't need to. - Please, Mom, let him stay for dinner.

- I'll come back this weekend, then. - Come on.

- It's okay. Just for dinner. - Please, Mom.

- Yeah! - Well, right, then.

Let's tidy up the garage so we can mess up the kitchen.

Come on. Don't touch anything sharp.

Hey.

What the hell am I doing here?