Bigfoot vs the Illuminati

In the year 2044,

advanced artificial intelligence robots

drained the Earth of her natural resources,

leaving the once thriving planet a barren shell,

incapable of sustaining life.

From a global population that once approached 8 billion,

only a few thousand humans survive by going underground

and eventually abandoning the Earth altogether

for outer space.

In space, a rebel alliance formed,

eventually led by the last survivor of her royal family,

Princess Kali Devine.

The Allies sworn mission is to protect what remains

of the human race while fighting a bloodthirsty

reptilian illuminati army known as the Archons

who are devoted to eradicating humans from the universe.

Employing a mix of alchemy and technology

and led by the dreaded Aleister Crawley

and alien Wrathcheld,

the Archons attack the Allies at every opportunity

driving the dwindling humans to the brink of extinction

on the 2,000th anniversary of the Earth's destruction.

Adrift in space with no planet to call home,

the human race fights its toughest battle ever,

for survival.

Comrades, Archon warriors, commanders,

working men and working women, brothers and sisters,

in the grip of our enemy

we have temporarily fallen under the yoke

of the Allied fighters and our valiant Archon gorillas

who are destroying the race of the human scourge.

On behalf of the mighty Archon army,

I, the eternal reptilian manifestation

of the soul of General-ee-see-mus Joseph Stalin

greet and congratulate you on this 2,000th anniversary

of the great Archon revolution!

As you know, we are engaged in mortal battle

and not just mortal, but immortal as well.

For ours is a fight for the very soul,

death to the human invaders!

Long live the Archon glory,

liberty and independence under the banner of Anubus

we shall march forward to victory!

- Princess Kali, another fighter fleet has just deployed

in the Davonian Realm.

How many are there, Commander?

More than we've ever seen in one launch

and they're armed to the teeth.

I'm gonna need back--

God damn it, another brave fighter.

God, godspeed, Commander.

Heru, Bort, man the bridge and keep us on course.

Yes, ma'am, is everything alright?

No Heru, no, it's not.

I'm gonna call someone who may be able to help.

I feel your footprints, interloper.

Who goes there?

Mighty Anubus, god of the dead, it is I,

your devoted servant Wrathcheld,

come from the star battlefields

to a scared, silent and still sarcophagus

to ask you oh, vaunted one,

to guide my hand in this war of wars.

- And what do you offer in return for this gift, speaker?

My undying devotion, of course,

and the whole of the Archon army's minions

to ride alongside you in the great beyond.

- Are these minions aware that their leader bargains

with their eternal souls?

- They have pledged their very souls for this cause,

oh great one, to their last they would be willing

to cross the River Sticks

and see your infinite spirit at bounty.

Very well, mouthpiece,

the afterlives of your soldiers shall be guided by me.

Great, so, just to be clear,

am I also involved in that or just my legion?

Recite your incantation, orator.

Right.

I call to the spirits, I call to the dead,

for arousal of Aleister Crawley again.

I call to thee, come to me,

to reunite once more.

I wish to see he whom I seek, oh god of the dead,

bringer of life and giver of death.

So mote it be.

It is, his black shall be among you

until your last soldier falls.

At that time, Crawley shall return to the beyond

from whence he came.

I thank you, oh exalted one.

Your mercy bosses our mercilessness.

Leave me to my slumber, interloper,

you reek of charred meat.

Cured meat, well,

I just had a liverwurst sandwich before I came.

Is it on my breath?

Go!

Gotcha!

It's an honor to have an occultist of your caliber

fighting on our side, Aleister,

welcome back to the land of the living.

Land?

I see no land, motherfucker.

I only see dying stars and floating debris.

- Yes well, not in the business of cosmic cleanup.

This is wartime and I'm Wrathcheld,

leader of the Archon army,

the new masters of the universe.

How fascinating.

I'm Aleister Crawley, and I've never grown out

of that infantile belief that the universe

was made for me to suck.

Speaking of, if the date on this screen is correct,

I haven't had a blowjob in 3,000 years!

And who's going to suck my dick with me looking like this?

- Don't fret, Aleister, I'll find a devoted Archon

who gives great head.

We'll get you straightened out.

The universe?

I see my reputation has grown in my absence.

Indeed, like all great men

and before we destroyed life on Earth,

celebrities and elite traded your writings,

paintings and properties for obscene sums of money.

- Mm, obscene, oh just hearing the word gets me hard.

But tell me Wrathcheld, why do I look like this?

The visage you currently inhabit

is your eternal reptilian body, you see.

You never were fully human, Aleister.

You've been Archon all along and are friends

with the god of the dead Anubus and myself.

You finally joined your kind in the war to end all wars.

War, I'd prefer if you tweak my nipples

while you use that word, Wrathbean.

Wrathcheld.

Whatever, do as thou wilt.

- Before I introduce you to my staff, Aleister,

I'd like to get you up to speed on our war effort.

You'd like to get me up, eh?

To speed.

Ooh, a quickie,

now you're speaking my language, Wrathbone.

On your knees, boy.

- I should've resurrected Genghis Khan instead.

Long time no see, Van Helsing.

I trust these years have treated you well?

I wouldn't know, princess.

You see, I'm a copy.

A copy?

That's right.

Before Earth fell into ruin

I signed up for one of those online ancestry kits

and boy, did I get more than I bargained for.

I found out I was created in a lab

using preserved DNA of the original Jack Van Helsing.

Oh my God, are you serious?

As a venereal disease.

Oh.

So, you got all of Jack's traits then?

I'm afraid so.

Okay, first thing's first.

The war to destroy the Earth is still raging.

The Archons have better technology and greater numbers,

not to mention dark alchemy.

They're decimating our ranks at every turn.

We're fighting as hard as we can but we're losing.

If things go on as they have been,

humans will be extinct before the next year.

Next year?

That's not a lot of time.

How many of us are left?

- Our closest estimate is around 420 Allies.

We're losing an average of two a week.

Shit.

I called you because we need your help.

We have captured and killed more Archons

than any Ally in this conflict's history.

Or should I say you're cloned from the man who has.

- Good thing you aren't looking for a plumber.

What should I call you anyway?

Call me VH.

Princess Kali, infrared imaging

space surveillance telescope has detected a new weapon

aboard the Archon mothership.

What sort of new weapon, Heru?

- It appears to be a 60 megaton kinetic space bomb.

If detonated it could wipe out two-thirds of our galaxy.

Jesus fucking Christ.

- Sir, I don't believe we've been introduced.

This is Van Helsing.

Heru, sort of.

Jack, welcome back, old boy.

So nice to see you again.

- Where are the Archons transporting this bomb, Heru?

Does it look like they're setting up to deploy?

They're currently passing through

Planet Gorgon's nebu-la-non.

But as Gorgon is a radioactive shell,

it wouldn't behoove them to detonate there.