American Housewife

Day 6,593 of parenthood.

Odd-numbered day. You get first pick.

I'll take Anna-Kat.

Okay, I'll check in on Taylor.

- Can you take Oliver? - Uhp! You know the rule...

when you pick first, you also have to take Oliver.

Whoever said kids grow up fast is an idiot.

They grow up slow, Greg.

Real slow.

Oh, buenas noches, Mrs. Otto.

Cooper. You have 10 houses.

Get out of mine.

We're actually having an important conversation.

Is this conversation trying to get me

to buy you that Gucci belt?

Because I'm running out of curse words to put before "no."

No, actually,

we're talking about that troubled kid

who called in to Teen Help Line.

We've got an idea who it is.

He said everyone thinks he's Superman.

Well, this kid Trevor's always wearing a Superman T-shirt.

Shocker... he doesn't have any friends.

So, we're going to befriend him.

I'm actually proud of you.

I'm proud of us, too, Mom.

Does that mean you'll buy me that belt?

you and the horse you rode in on, you !

No!

Oh. She found a new one.

Friendly reminder to complete your life-skills list.

If you don't finish it, you don't go to prom.

I did the important ones.

I changed the windshield-wiper fluid,

and I switched around fruit stickers at the grocery store.

I got a Honeycrisp for the price of a Granny Smith.

That one was clearly your mother's.

Plus, I sent my application in to Carnegie Mellon,

and I did my audition tape.

I even noticed I spelled "Carnegie" wrong,

and then I fixed it.

Then I noticed I spelled "Mellon" wrong,

and then I fixed that.

And then I saw I spelled "Carnegie" wrong

in a different way, and then I fixed that.

I'm doing great.

Have you prepared for your alumni interview?

Dude, that's like a month away!

- And yes, I'm all ready for it. - You mean you...

Yes! Whatever you're about to say, I did it! I did everything!

Okay! Stop yelling at me!

Stop making me yell at you!

Do all your friends yell at their fathers?

You're getting off easy.

Olivia Andal slaps her dad in public.

Time to get to bed.

First, I need you to sign a permission slip really quick.

What's it for?

And why are you showing it to me

like Taylor shows me her report card?

My new friends invited me to join their scout troop,

The Wildflower Girls.

- That sounds great. - Wait. Do you promise?

Say it. Say you promise.

Fine. I promise.

Anna-Kat!

Sage, Nancy, and Tara Summers are the troop leaders.

You know I can't stand them.

Well, what difference does it make?

You're not in the troop. I am.

Because those terrible moms and their daughters

are bound to be a bad influence on you.

Plus, they're going to e-mail me, and want me to volunteer,

and I get migraines if I have to fake smile too long.

Unh-unh. Remember?

You promised.

A mother's promise means nothing.

Good night.

Taylor's upset with me.

Anna-Kat's upset with me.

- How's Oliver? - Regular terrible.

Hmm.

Other than the Mother's Day gifts

they force them to make me at school,

I'm not sure what I'm getting out of all this.

04x12 - Wildflower Girls

I'm feeling guilty about not letting Anna-Kat

sign up for Wildflower Girls.

At what age can I stop putting my kids first?

Right when they can talk.

If you can say "milk," you can get it yourself.

My kids come first.

Do I miss having the master bedroom? Sure.

But they wanted a climbing wall. Who am I to say no?

Uh, their mother.

You're making your kids soft.

They'd never survive in the wild.

My kids are not going to be in the wild.

You don't know that. People end up in the wild.

Can you guys shut up? I'm trying to work something out.

I think you should let Anna-Kat join.

Kids are only young for so long, and life is hard enough.

Give them what they want.

Electronics, video games, candy.

Make it rain.

Don't listen to her, Katie. You can't give kids everything.

'Cause in the wild, there's nothing.

Sorry, Doris, Angela might be right.

Oh.

You mean you're actually gonna take my suggestion

over hers for once?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh.

Excuse me.

I win! I win!

I win! I win!

You know that point in life

where you think you've outgrown your friends?

This is it.

Take that.

Look at that kid.

Gucci belt. His life must be great.

A Gucci belt doesn't make you happy.

A limited-edition one worn by Bradley Cooper at the Oscars.

Now, that's happiness.

I can't believe my parents won't buy me one.

They say I can't wear anything on my body over 500 bucks

unless it's braces.

Oh, there he is.

Don't mention Teen Help Line.

Or that he wants to say adios to his vida .

Hey there, Superman. What's the haps in Metropolis?

Uh, what's going on?

Nothing, muchacho.

We just thought maybe we should all hang out.

You guys want to hang out with me?

I know. Isn't that great?

No. It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Look, guys, it's a Wednesday, all right?

A new comic book just dropped, so take a hike.

But we're gonna be your friends.

I don't want to be friends with you morons.

You've got a stupid face.

And you just generally suck.

I guess we're just gonna have to try harder tomorrow.

Let's not be hasty.

Maybe we should let nature take its course here.

I can't believe Mom changed her mind

and is letting you be a Wildflower Girl.

She would've never done that for me.

Well, you didn't have the benefit

of a terrible older sister to make you look good.

Yeah.

Wait.

I just got off the phone with Carnegie Mellon.

There's an alumnus coming through Westport tomorrow,

and they wanted to move up your interview.

- I said yes. - Why would you move it up?

Because you're all prepared.

Plus, it's good to get in early.

And there's even better news...

your interview is with Brecken Phillips.

- The Broadway guy? - Yeah, he's an alum.

And your interview's in the afternoon.

Or, as they say in the theatre, a matinee.

Just so you know,

people outside this house think I'm entertaining.

So, you're not ready at all, huh?

No. I just told Dad I was to get him off my back.

What am I gonna do?

You're just gonna have to cram for it.

You're right. If I can get through all of "Harry Potter"

in a weekend, I can do this.

You read all of "Harry Potter" in one weekend?

It's a book?

Anna-Kat's here!

Katie, it's so great that Anna-Kat's joining the troop.

Yes, you must be so relieved

she'll finally have some positive female role models.

- Mm. - Don't feel obligated to stay.

No, I'll be here.

Okay, Wildflower Girls,

let me see those wildflower smiles.

Ah.

The girls are learning to make to make egg parachutes

so they can earn their aeronautics badges.

Now, you already have your parachute attached to your egg.

Now let's launch them and watch them float down safely.

Three, two, one.

Liftoff!

Yay!

- Great job, you guys. - Really good.

Hortensia, clean up!

Okay, so badge time.

Badge time?

All of the eggs broke.

Aren't you going to make them try it until it works?

Why would we?

To teach them about a job well done.

Ew.

We always hand out badges, no matter what.