Tom Segura: Teacher

Milwaukee, please welcome Tom Segura.

- -

All right, thank you very much!

- -

Thank you.

You guys are amazing, thanks.

Yeah, I love you too.

You're so well-behaved.

- That's great. -

It's not always like this. You know that, right? We, uh...

We had a fight in the front row last week at a show.

Yeah, and you fucking notice when it's in the front row.

- - You notice.

And, um... you know, normally, we try to put that out pretty quickly,

but the, uh, the guy that started the fight was just so old.

- Uh... -

When security descended upon him,

I was just like, "Wait."

You know?

Like, "Let him do it," you know.

It's probably his last fight, you know.

I'm sure it was. He was very old, and he was punching another guy,

but he was... you know, he was making, like, old sounds

as he was like... "Bughh..." Like, it was...

Even the guy getting hit was like, "I don't give a shit." Like...

"I don't feel this." And then...

Then the older guy, he just kind of tuckered out, you know. He was, "Aww..."

And he just... He just kind of faded.

And then as security was escorting him up the aisle, I looked and I was like,

"Oh, I think that's a woman."

- Um... -

It was the hair.

You know how women will sometimes hit a certain age

where they don't want you to try to fuck them anymore, and...

the hair goes first, you know. They just go...

Then we all go, "Oh yeah. Don't try to touch her. I got it."

This goes...

The vagina closes, the hair goes,

and we all go, "She's off-limits." So...

Whoever it was, rest in peace.

- Um... -

I, uh...

I just got back from my favorite place. I was in Italy, which I absolutely love.

- - Yeah... it's the greatest.

It is the greatest. And...

My phone knows that I love Italy,

just like our phones know everything about us now.

It was fun, I think about a decade ago, when we would like kind of debate,

"Wouldn't it be crazy if this thing was listening to everything we said?"

And then now we're like, "Oh yeah, this records everything."

Everything I say, text, think, it's just there.

Unless you're one of these people who happens to believe, you're like,

"Oh yeah, you know, I was having a conversation with someone

about a bread basket from Croatia in the 1700s,

and then I opened my Gmail, and it was like,

'You looking for a Croatian bread basket?'"

You're like, "Isn't that a wild coincidence?" Well, yeah.

I talk about Italy all the time, and every time I open my phone,

social media is just Italy.

It's Italian landscapes, Italian recipes,

Italian women's feet,

and I go "like, like, like," right?

But whenever I see landscape shots of Italy,

there's always a guy on a Vespa, you know?

Those little scooters, and they're zipping around,

and they're dreaming of marinara, or whatever they do.

Yeah.

And whenever I see a guy on a Vespa,

internally to myself, I go,

"That's gay." Right?

But when you're there and you see one,

you're like, "No one will know, right?"

So I rented one, and...

It was the single most joyful experience of my entire life,

including the birth of my children. It was fucking amazing.

I was making up reasons to take that thing out.

I was just like, "We don't have any butternut squash. I gotta go."

Couple days into it, I started making up a narrative in my head.

I was like, "This is the same as a Harley. This is the same shit."

This is my hog.

Another day went by, I was like, "I am getting one of these...

as soon as I get back."

I started shopping online. "Do I want a blue one? Yeah."

"Do I want a basket? Fuck yeah, I want a basket on that."

And then I got back to the US of A, and within moments, I was like,

"Oh, there's not a fucking chance." Like...

"I'll get beat to death at a red light... in one of these,"

and that's when you realize that Vespas are the pickleball of the motorbike world.

They are...

They just are.

Yeah!

It is simply a substitute for the real thing.

Just say you suck at tennis, you fucking cuck. Like...

Nobody wants to hear that you're excelling at a make-believe sport.

Now... "No, but it's so social."

"Anyone can do it." That's why you do it. You're soft. Now...

I did something very, very fun recently.

I got to fly with the Blue Angels.

I don't know if you know what that is.

- - Oh, wow.

Wow!

For those of you that don't know, that is the US Navy's aerial show program.

They put on shows all over our country that are unbelievable.

These are elite fighter pilots

that are flying in fighter jets 18 inches apart,

and they do these wild, acrobatic stunts.

And I went to the show, and it was amazing.

Then afterwards, I met one of the organizers,

and very casually, I was like, "Yeah, I wish I could go up in one of those."

They were like, "Yeah, you can."

And I go, "What the fuck, really?"

They go, "Yeah, if you come to Pensacola, Florida."

And I was like, "Ugh!"

"Okay." So...

I went. I went to Florida.

I went to the base, and I met one of the pilots.

This dude looked like he was designed in a lab,

and then AI just shit him out, okay?

This is one of the most beautiful men... I think about this guy every day, okay?

My last thought before I go to bed at night

is his jawline, and then I go,

"Hmm... mm," then I fall asleep.

So I walk up to him, I go, "Hey, I'm Tom."

And he goes, "I'm Seven."

Whatever you say, Daddy. Uh...

If you're a seven, I'd hate to meet a ten, you know what I mean?

So Seven tells me, "We're gonna do some wild stuff up there."

"So don't eat a lot, because if you eat a lot,

you will definitely throw up."

And I go, "Oh, wow, what if I throw up?"

He goes, "I'll give you a little baggie, and you can puke in that."

I go, "Thanks, dog."

"What if I shit?"

And he goes, "People don't shit."

You don't know who you're talking to right now, do you?

We went up for 45 minutes.

We flew vertically, we did barrel rolls, we flew Mach 1.2,

we pulled seven and a half Gs.

It was the most thrilling 45 minutes of my entire life.

But when I got back, I realized something.

I realized that we are the only country on Earth

where when you see a fleet of fighter jets approaching,

you know something cool is gonna happen.

It's just us.

Right? Like...

Dude, we send them to the Daytona 500

to kick shit off,

so that every asshole there can go...

"Look at that."

"That's fucking cool."

You're like, "Yeah, here."

But if you're in the Hindu Kush province of Afghanistan,

and you see seven F-22s,

you're not like, "Oh, yeah, today's the race."

You know, you just go...

And that's it. That's the last fucking sound you ever make

before you hear...

And then... there goes your mom's village.

All right, so...

USA...

Now...

Well, sure.

- - Why not?

You know, I didn't puke, and I didn't shit, but...

when I was in Houston about a month ago, I sharted.

Here's what happened.

If you were gonna make a list of the best places to shart,

and I don't know why you would, but if you did,

number one is the bathroom.

And that's where I was.

I was in a public restroom, and I was at the urinal.

I was just enjoying a delightful afternoon pee, you know?

Like a 90-second one, you know,

where your mind just kind of goes.

Stream of consciousness takes over.

You're just lost, and like,

"Are birds real, or are they honing devices? I don't know."

"Jesus, how big were Aretha Franklin's tits," you know?

You ever think about that? Everyone talks about Dolly Parton's tits.

Did you ever look at Aretha Franklin's tits?

It looked like she was nursing seal pups.