Pure

Have you ever had one of those

weird distressing thoughts

where you're just like, "Fuck!

"Where did that come from?"

Like something totally inappropriate or shocking.

Like, um, imagining your boss naked.

Or punching an old person in the street.

Or jumping off a train platform.

Most people

can easily dismiss them

um, ‘cause you know deep down that you don't really wanna do those things.

But what happens when the part of your brain

that allows you to dismiss those thoughts isn't working properly?

What happens if you get those thoughts so regularly

that they start to become

a real challenge to your sense of self,

that you just don't know who you are any more?

It's a bad day if it ends with you freezing your tits off in a lay-by.

As of two hours ago, my life is fucked.

Literally.

The kind of fucked you cannot come back from.

That might look like a smile,

but it's total delusion.

Uh, I've already paid him, Mum.

- Take that. Come on. I booked the cab. - Mum, I don't want your money.

- No, Marnie, don't be silly. Come on. - No. Please, Mum.

Really? Like I gave you a lap dance.

Is there a function going on?

Surprise!

Did you do this? -Come on.

Ach, ya wee besom.

How did you get everyone's numbers?

Hello.

Sorry, it's the speech now.

Speech!

I wish my parents weren't so popular, then there wouldn't be so many of you.

I thought I'd say a few words for Mum and Dad's special anniversary.

And they didn't have any other kids, so it had to be me.

On the plus side, being the only child,

Ido get all the inheritance.

Thanks for having that vasectomy, Dad.

Shout out to my pal, Helen.

Um, for helping me pull this off.

And to Gran for paying for it.

Still got her credit card. She forgot.

No, I'm only joking. I just kept it.

No.

What can I say about Mum and Dad?

They just go together.

They come as a pair.

They're like,

trousers or scissors,

or spectacles.

The world wouldn't make sense if they weren't together.

You inspire me.

Aw!

And on the third Friday of the month,

let's just say you do not wanna be in the bedroom next to theirs.

Massive third wheel.

Shit!

Um...

Sorry.

It's a bit shit for them ‘cause I still live at home.

I'm one of those people who moves home with their parents after uni. Um...

And works their summer job till something better comes along,

and 13 months later still hasn't done anything with their English degree.

Except for write this.

Collection of words.

Uh...

Stop.

Uh... Um...

Fuck, uh... Sorry.

And my hands are sweating. Is it hot in here?

It's hot.

It's hot.

Stop it!

Welcome to the fucked up mystery, that is my life.

Sorry if that made you a bit sick in your mouth.

I thought about a lot of awful things,

but that shit show was the mother of them all.

When I was 14, I started having relentless graphic thoughts about sex.

Not just "sex" sex. Fucked-up sex.

Sex that gets-you-arrested sex.

And 3,723 days later,

It's like The Sixth Sense, but I don't see dead people.

1 see naked ones.

I've turned everyone and everything you can imagine into filth.

Except my family.

Until today.

Most people move to London to seek their fortune.

I'll settle for some fucking answers.

I'm doing them a favour.

Nobody wants a pervert for a daughter.

They can't stick that in their Christmas newsletter.

That's not just a random nipple.

That's 781 minutes of thinking what I could do to it

Lick it

Suck it

Flick it

Milk it

Fuck's sake.

Hi.

Fuck's sake, Mar, your mum said you're in fucking London.

What the fuck?

You can't just fuck off to London and expect me to do nothing.

I was so worried.

I... Tjust

keep thinking about all this stuff.

What stuff?

You always say that but you never say what.

Tcan't..

Do you want me to come down?

‘Cause I will I've got holidays fo take.

No, I don't want anyone with me.

Well, what am I supposed fo do if I'm up here and you're down there?

I don't know what's wrong with me.

You're just a bit anxious. Aren't you?

That's what it is. It's anxiety.

Everyone's got it.

God, you're so mainstream.

Speak to someone.

Please?

I'm really worried about your mum.

Soam IL

Marnie MaCauley, room five.

You won't shock me. I've heard some things.

Uh, I just worry all the time

about sex stuff, mainly.

And what triggers these worries?

Anyone with genitalia.

Who has an anxiety attack in the M&S lingerie department,

or while watching Lorraine?

Oh. Um...

So what is it about those situations

that distresses you?

Well, um, with Lorraine,

uh, I was watching it and I noticed her shoes

‘cause she always has nice shoes on.

And I noticed the pointy heels.

And,

then I thought about where she could put one.

Like in her vagina.

And then I was like, "Why did I think that?

"Do I wanna do that to Lorraine?"

So then I tried to unthink it.

But it just made me think about it more,

and then it was an hour later and I was still thinking about it,

and I couldn't breathe. That's why it distresses me.

So you mostly think about women?

-Not just women but... -You have explicit

sexual thoughts about them, and it upsets you.

Is it possible you could be gay?

Is being gay so hard to imagine?

I haven't been with a woman.

I've spent so much time trying to decide if I want to.

And I moved to the borders after uni so I couldn't, 'cause it's home and...

You can't sleep with a woman ‘cause she probably goes to zumba with your mum,

and you can't go to the doctor

because sometimes he comes over to play penny whistle with your dad.

Not a euphemism. It actually happens.

You're not at home any more.

Hi. - Sorry!

I had it left over from a work party and I couldn't resist

‘cause Marnie's in the house.

Come in. Come in. Come in.

Thanks so much for letting me stay.

Thanks for wanting to.

You look amazing, by the way.

Oh, thanks. So do you.

So, what have you been up to?

I've not seen you since school, eh.

Except on Instagram.

And that one time at the Co-op at Christmas.

Um, just...

Uni, and moved home for a bit.

Worked at the youth Club.

Yeah, then what?

Um,

cut to now.

Oh.

I thought you would've written a book by now,

or at least have a podcast or...

That's why I'm here.

Thanks again for letting me stay.

It's fine. It'll be just like school.

Except you'll have to talk to me. And your friends won't victimise me.

So, uh, where's your spare room?

Funny.

Yeah, well, I still need to clear it out.

Oh, you're serious?

Well, I did say it was a little bijou, but it's London, you know?

But it's private, it's got a door. And look, you can close it.

Thanks.

It's just gonna be for a bit while I get myself sorted.

So what made you come to London?

Just fancied a change.

Oh, yeah, me too.

I'm learning Shiatsu at the moment

‘cause I work in corporate for Pets for All, and it's really dry.

I can't even remember the last time I touched an animal.