Single Parents

So, this is how we're kicking off Thanksgiving, huh?

Watching a second-grade president

on a power trip pardon a turkey?

Sad thing is, this is the highlight of my week.

Give Rory a break. He's running for re-election.

I spent all night helping him

with his Barack Obama impression.

Uh, look, uh, I want to be clear.

That's pretty good.

- Thanks. - Hey. Miggy's gonna be a minute.

He's stuck in the security line.

This ain't right.

We all got a job to do.

Hey, Room Parent, I saw your coffee station.

A little worried those beans weren't farmed responsibly.

Yeah, that's because they weren't. Move along, please.

Hm.

Pronstroller... she just broke up with her boyfriend,

so now all of her extra energy is directed on me.

She texted me last night,

asking if I was okay with non-gendered CPR dummies.

- Hmm. - I have no opinion in these matters.

Tell you what I do know... that woman needs a man.

Uh...

Will, why don't you take her off my hands?

I'm dating someone.

Tracy Freeze?

I told you I'm bringing her to your Thanksgiving?

Hey, Miggy.

Did you know if you don't have kids at this school,

they put you on a list?

Check this... you and me, we're gonna be

the only single losers at Thanksgiving.

Oh, you're not gonna love this,

but, um, I've been seeing someone for a few weeks.

We're vibing pretty hard! I'm gonna bring her.

Really?

So, it's just gonna be me

and Tony at the singles table.

Well, actually,

Cassandra and Tony are back together again.

She stopped gambling,

and he's actually learning how to listen.

Good morning, Hilltop.

Today, I would like to grant a presidential pardon

to a very special guest.

Please welcome Cookies!

Whoa!

- Code Blue! Get him out! - Let's go! Let's go!

02x08 - Every Thursday Should Be Like This

Oh.

Hello, Tony.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I thought I was doing the turkey,

but I guess we have two turkeys.

What a blessing.

Well, he's doing it again.

Tony always has to one-up me at the holidays.

This is just like Labor Day.

You know what? Tony is an old man.

The only thing he's at war with is time.

Well, looks like my hands are gonna be full,

so can you do me a favor and hang out with Tracy

- when she gets here? - Oh, really, dude?

The one good thing about being single on Thanksgiving

is being able to drink without having responsibility

for anybody but myself.

- Isn't Graham here? - Probably.

Look, it'll be easy. You and Tracy are friends.

We've said, like, four words to each other ever...

"Hi," "Hello," "Hey," and "Nice shoes,"

which is just girl-speak for "Hello," so, doesn't count.

Angie, this is Tracy and I's first holiday together,

and, more importantly,

my first opportunity to cook her a bird.

So the stakes could not be higher.

I'm begging you, please just put in a little effort.

Today is about gathering and sharing in the...

Oh, no, that's fine, Tony.

Use as much of my sea salt as you need.

Son of a bitch.

What are we doing? The guests are arriving.

And you know this is a white Thanksgiving,

so folks are gonna want to eat at 2:00.

I just want to savor this moment

before we're besieged with riffraff...

and yes, I am including our kids in that mix.

Oh. Well, I don't know. It's such a big house.

So many rooms to give thanks in.

Indeed.

Including rooms I've never seen before.

Oh, that door's locked.

Can we unlock it?

Let's not ruin the sensual atmosphere

with questions.

Uh-huh.

Time to play host.

Okay.

Sorry, but what's behind the door?

Oh, your ass gonna get opened.

This is the life.

Why do we need to wait for holidays to relax?

Every Thursday should be like this.

Emma Fogerty's off the clock.

Feels good to let the gut out.

Fine, I'll get it.

Got forbid I lay down for five seconds.

Ms. Homily Pronstroller!

Graham. Happy Genocide Day.

My teacher.

In my temporary home?

Who's watching the school?

Hi, friends.

Uh, what are we doing with our day?

I hope we're not just lying around.

Um... no. No.

We are in our comfy pants...

because we are rehearsing our Thanksgiving play.

Well, I'm sure it'll reflect everything I've taught you

and not traditional holiday stereotypes.

Great. Now we got to come up with a play.

We're screwed.

Do any of you even remember the Thanksgiving unit?

No.

If I thought I wasn't gonna direct a play today, I was crazy.

To the sauna!

Okay, so you're really just gonna let it sit...

- You're dating the teacher? - Yeah.

Did you think I was hanging out at your kids' school for no reason?

And none of you said anything?

Oh, this is fantastic.

I was hoping she'd start dating again

so she'd have more in her life than just ordering me around.

Miggy, my simple friend,

you are the answer to my prayers.

Our vibe is electric.

Me plus her equals heart emoji plus fireworks emoji

plus a double dose of train emojis.

- It's an inside joke. - Mm.

Douglas, did you get my text

about the blow-up snowman we got

for the holiday pageant?

Well, it didn't come with a motor,

so you're gonna have to blow it up with your mouth.

I did and will certainly get to it.

I just wouldn't want to take time away from you and Miggy.

You call that vibe electric?

Why didn't you say anything?

Oh, we've never talked.

You're dating someone you've never talked to?

That's how people date in the digital age.

It's all about sliding into DMs,

GIFs, likes, reposts, double taps.

You feel me?

I do not, nor will I ever.

Nice shoes, Tracy.

Oh, nice shoes to you.

Hmm.

Did I say "nice shoes"?

Yeah. Did I say it back?

- Yeah. - Mm.

You know, it's been a while

since I've done a group Thanksgiving.

Most years, I just do Walter's Diner.

Shut up.

- You know Walter's? - Yes! Of course.

It's exclusively for sad and single people.

It's like the middle seat on a plane,

but a restaurant.

Huh. Tracy Freeze knows Walter's.

Did not see that coming.

Oh, yeah. I'm a wild card.

Check this... I have a bearded dragon named BJ.

What? No way.

Yeah. No cage. Just loose in my house.

Okay, Freeze. I'm not changing the channel.

What else you got?

Miggy? A moment?

- Yo. - Listen.

I just got another e-mail from Pronstroller.

Subject heading... "Clear your next five Saturdays."

I thought you were gonna get her off my back.

Dude, I told you, people my age don't have conversations.

Well, maybe it's time you learned how to have one.

In fact... Pronstroller?

Both of you, in my study, 10 minutes.

And you may want to brace yourself,

because I have multiple paintings

by George W. Bush in there.

Oh.

You're kidding.

- I am not kidding! - Oh.

This printer is stylish and fire-resistant.

- Oh. Mm. - Snerfink.

Make a note of it in your phone.

- S-N-E-R-F... - Mm-hmm.

- ...I-N-K. - I-N-K.

- Mm-hmm. - I am sold.

I am buying one.

Can't! It was recalled years ago.