Back in the Game

Dudley, one for the Bleachers.

No, no, no.

Ginger one... come on. Right down third base.

You can do it.

Angel, bunt. Do something. I don't care.

Excellent.

Finally, I'm done. We can go home now.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. No. Hold up.

We are going around again.

We're batting around again.

Cannon, we've been doing batting practice for two hours.

Right. I have a blister,

and it's affecting my "around the world" snap.

Well, here's to your "around the world" snap.

We're all gonna bat again until one of you hit it out of the infield.

Hit the outfield grass, just one of you.

Every other team in the league is playing nine guys in the infield.

They're taking advantage of your weakness.

Well, it's not gonna be long

before they just go to your dugout and steal your women.

- What women? - My point exactly. Now let's go!

Batter up. Top of the order, whoever that is.

Hey, Junior!

You want to join us over here or what?

I'm busy!

That ass is so hard, you could crack other hard asses off it.

Crack, crack.

Yeah, but he's really more my speed.

Oh, really?

- Okay. - Hmm.

His name is Jack. He's our liquor rep at the pizza place.

Well, everyone needs a slump Buster now and then.

Who am I to judge?

Yeah, he's really channeling a whole Beastie Boys "sabotage" thing.

And I like it.

I'm feeling something about this guy.

Hmm.

- I think you should ask him out. - Oh, wow.

I haven't asked out a guy since I got pregnant and said,

"Hey, maybe we should go out and talk."

Come on, darling. Ask him out.

With a mustache like that,

he's bound to be bringing the thunder.

Oh, I want to, Lulu.

But I don't know. Just not ready.

Well, if not you, me and the ladies are going in.

Hmm? Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, Terry. Jack, you know Terry. Terry's poor.

- Dick gets his hair highlighted. - Terry's poor.

- Dick's afraid of bees. - Well, you know what?

Nothing that small should be imbued with that much power.

Jack, can I... Talk to you?

- Sure. - Not... Here.

I have a... Um... Bathroom question.

Front to back, Terry. Always front to back.

Dick wears spanx and tries to pass them off as bicycle shorts.

No, he doesn't, actually. That's a lie. Where you guys going?

So, uh, Jack, I've been watchingng you

at the pizza place, and I think you're nice.

And I think I'm nice. And I think we'd be nice together.

Do you like food? I like food.

Of course you like food. You'd die without food.

I'm... Dying right now.

- Do you want to have dinner sometime? - How about tonight?

- Okay. - Okay.

- I will call you later. - Sounds good.

Call who later? Ugh.

Who the hell was that?

None of your damn business.

- Why aren't you with the kids? - Oh, yeah, about that.

- How many did we start off with today? - 12.

So, not 8?

- We switched uniforms! - We switched uniforms!

Hmm.

Season 1, Episode 5 "She. Could. Go. All. The. Way!"

Great, Jack. So, I will see you at sidecar at 9:00.

- Sounds good. - I...

Oh, uh, wait a second.

Hey, I'm on the phone!

- Who is this? - Who do you think it is?

- Hello? - Dad, I'm on the phone.

- Hang up the phone. - Terry? Terry, how did you get on here?

- You have two phones. - I do?

Okay. Jack, I am...

Dad, hang up the phone.

Why don't you just come in the other room and talk to me?

Hang up the phone.

Jack, I am so sorry about that.

- It's okay. You... - Hello?

- Jack? - Okay, I'm just gonna...

- Terry? - It's...

- Dad! - Hello?

- Ugh, Jack. - No, it's still me.

Hang up the phone!

Hey, hey, hey. What's the matter? You got a face on your face.

There's this kid, and he cheated off my test today at school.

- Did he pay you? - No.

- Did you smack him in the mouth? - No.

- What did you do to this kid? - I didn't really do anything.

I didn't want to cause any problems.

- Uh-huh. - Hey, buddy.

- Hey, Terry. - I didn't know you were home.

Anyway, I have to stop by work and pick up my check.

Danny needs some new shoes. I need you to take him to the store.

Doesn't sound like something I'm doing.

I got a couple episodes of "Hart to Hart" on tape, and Stefanie Powers...

Dad, help me out. Help out your grandson.

- What's that? - Your grandson.

I will, uh... I will straighten Danny boy out.

You, though... You will bring me home pizza from the place you work at.

I'm gonna be home late.

Why? What would be delaying my food?

- I have a date. - What?

Danny, it is just one date. It doesn't mean anything.

- That's fine. Have fun. - Nice.

- I happen to hate this guy. - You don't even know him.

And you've never liked anyone I've dated.

No, no, no, no, no. T-the kid with the limp.

You gave him that limp. You hit him with the car.

- Bumped him. - I am a grown woman. Butt out.

I don't like this guy.

Sneakers.

I love you, Danny.

Father...

"Father!"

So? What do you think?

Darling, you look gorgeous. Very sexy.

Does it say, "I want to sleep with you on the first date but I don't do this often"?

Oh, wow, darling. How long has it been?

- Was Bush still around? - No. Obama.

You thought I meant the president.

You are so cute.

You know...

I think I might like this guy.

Well, then sleep with him, darling. Men love that.

So, the rules about waiting and all that, they're gone?

Look, darling, the main thing here is to be honest.

Honest. I can do that.

Yeah, well, unless he asks about your age or the number of men you've slept with.

- Then you round down. - Well, I've only been with two.

- Round up. - Okay.

So, I guess you can say that's why the Cannon

has been banned from Canada.

Typically, a very tolerant country. But whatever. He sounds like fun.

- Kind of need to meet him. - Uh, let me stop you right there.

You will not be meeting my dad. Nothing against you.

He's been a little overprotective since my divorce.

- Divorce? - Let me stop you right there.

I am divorced, which is why I live with my dad.

It's not something I hoped for, but at least my son has a man in his life.

- Your son? - Let me stop you right there.

Yes, I have a son. I got pregnant when I was 20,

and I am telling you way too much for a first date.

Look, I just want to be totally honest with you.

Let me stop you right there.

Despite your apparent inability to edit yourself

and some really sizeable baggage, I really appreciate the honesty.

- Hmm. - I also think you're really beautiful.

- Point for you. - And if we're being honest,

I might have just a little bit of baggage myself.

I may have quit my job one summer and gone on the road following...

Coldplay.

- Check. - Point for you.

Coldplay confessions aside, I'm just a regular guy who really...

- Really likes you. - Yeah?

And Jamiroquai.

- How those feel? - Great. They're expensive.

- Not a problem. - Look, here's what I want you to do.

Keep your head up, be real confident,

and when I say go...

You walk out that door with them on your feet.

What? You mean steal them?

I mean go. I don't want you to get arrested.

Now let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait.

Now.

Excuse me. Sir?

Hey. Hey, stop!

Just watch this.

See? You can beat any security with a fork and a magnet.

Cannon, we shouldn't have stolen those shoes.

What's the "we" crap? "We"? No, you.

Yeah. Anyway, look...

The Chinamen people, they make these for 3 cents.

The store sells them for what? $100?

That's stealing, you know.

I mean, we're basically paying 3 cents under wholesale.

Magnet, fork... done. Right?

"Thanks, grandpa Cannon."

You're welcome, son. Oh, you're welcome.

You're welcome.

- I guess this is good night. - I wish it didn't have to end.

- Me neither. - So, why did you bring me home?

I was being a gentleman. Why did you let me?

Ugh. I'm new at this.

I would love to invite you in, but my 73-year-old suitcase is inside.

Hmm.

- We could go someplace else. - Yes, please.

No one's going nowhere! I'm getting the hose! A pipe!

And now the night has ended.