Evil

So, what is this about?

No idea.

But it's not an exorcism?

His Eminence said she'll be

the scariest woman that we've ever met.

- Seriously? - I don't know. He chuckled.

So, uh, how many days

before you're cooked?

18 days.

And we can't convince you to give it up?

You will never get laid again.

That's not what I hear. Priests do pretty well.

I'm sorry. That's a weird thing to say.

Thank you for coming in early.

This is Ms. Anita Iota.

And these are our assessors, David, Kristen...

- Ben. Ben.

Hello.

So, uh, Ms. Iota, how can we help you?

We need your advice.

We? Who's we?

The IRS.

Is the Church being audited?

Why? Should it be?

An IRS joke.

I'm sure the Catholic Church is using every penny

of its substantial funds for altruistic purposes.

Yeah, except for the lawsuits.

Ms. Iota has requested the Church form

a new opinion on an organization

applying for federal recognition as a religion.

For tax-exempt purposes?

- Yes. As part of our process,

we consider the opinions of neighboring

federally recognized religions.

What new religion?

The New Ministry of Satan.

The New Ministry? There's an old one?

- Several. - And what does the IRS base its decision on?

Four criteria.

One: The organization must be operated exclusively

for worshipping a deity or deities.

The nature of that deity is not in question.

It is that the organization actually believes in it.

Two: The net earnings may not inure

to the benefit of one person.

Three: The organization's purposes may not be illegal.

Are you texting?

No, it's just how she take notes.

Finally, four:

No substantial part of the church's activity

should be about influencing legislation or politics.

- Really? Well, I would admit

that criteria is more honored in the breach.

So that's all you have to do to become a religion?

And some combination of a creed,

history, literature and place of worship.

So you want us to stop it from being tax-exempt?

We don't determine that.

But it would be helpful if you could guide the IRS

to see that it doesn't deserve tax-exempt status.

What if they actually believe in Satan?

Belief is the greatest hurdle to tax-exempt status,

but it's not the only hurdle.

Is this church involved in politics,

or can it be implied that it is?

You mean unlike the Catholic Church?

The key is to not look biased against their beliefs.

We have to use the language of the IRS to stop this church.

So, uh, where is this church?

That doesn't look like the Ministry of Satan.

Yeah, I'd call that hiding your light under a bushel.

- What? Is that blasphemous? - Why don't you let me do the talking?

You afraid they're gonna convert us?

What do you need?

Uh, we're here at the request of the Internal Revenue Service.

: Oh, right. Uh, be right down.

Hi. Graham Lucian, chief of operations.

You the Catholic team?

Yes, uh, David, Kristen and Ben.

Step into my office, please. Good to meet you guys.

We've already had the, uh, Presbyterians and the Mormons.

Good guys.

They said they'd pray for us.

I said I'd pray for them, too.

- I think that freaked them out. - You pray a lot?

Three times a day: morning, noon and night.

- Are they answered? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Our Father Below controls the world,

so I get exactly what I want.

- Yeah, like what? - Oh...

My enemies harmed, uh,

no gray hair, no acne, parking spaces.

- Are your prayers answered? - I don't pray.

Really? Must be the New Catholicism.

Do you believe in Satan?

: Wow, you guys really jump into it, huh?

Uh, yeah, but I wouldn't call it belief.

I know Satan.

Hmm. How do you know him?

Do you guys want a drink?

No, we're good. How do you know Satan?

The same way you know Jesus.

He just makes sense to you, describes the world to you.

Satan does the same for me.

Except not you.

Is this your formal place of worship?

No, no. God, this is the front office.

We've only been up and running six months.

Temple's in the back. Come on.

So, what are you doing?

- Uh, filling orders. - Yeah?

- Mm-hmm. - You mind if I see?

Uh, sure.

How much are these?

Those are all 35.

- Are they popular? - Oh, yeah.

More so at Christmas.

Mm. So this is a big moneymaker?

Our cost is about six bucks.

So... you tell me.

Which one is the favorite?

Mm...

This one.

We're most proud of our statue of Baphomet.

So this is your established place of worship?

Yes. One of the IRS requirements.

You seem very aware of what we need.

Well, I've been reading the IRS literature.

Have to clear that tax-exempt bar.

- Do you have regular service? - We do.

When?

Friday, 8:00 p.m. Join us.

A distinct membership?

Oh, we doubled our membership in, uh, two months.

Yeah, from what to what?

- I'd have to check those numbers. - Guess.

Started with eight, and now we have 12.

Not much of a congregation.

It's as many as Christ had.

And here is some of our literature.

What's your creed?

Do what you want unless it hurts someone.

If someone presents themselves as your adversary, destroy them.

And look for rewards now, not after.

- Satan, all glory. - "Destroy them"? How?

Not in any way that would break the laws of the United States.

Tell me how you pray to Satan.

Oh, Father Below, lend me your power

to do what I want to who I want, and, uh...

take away all my regrets, burning them in your hellfire,

and... et cetera, et cetera.

Not much of a prayer.

Well, I'm working on it.

This is a scam, isn't it?

Oh, ye of little faith.

No more a scam than your Church.

Let me ask you a question.

If this church doesn't really believe in Satan

and all they're doing is just selling T-shirts,

then aren't they just harmless?

Yeah, possibly.

Let's collect our data and brief His Eminence.

The exorcism will be spread over three nights,

six hours every night.

You'll want to quit, but quitting is not an option.

I won't quit, Father.

I never do.

This is the final rite of exorcism.

It is intense, and it's grueling.

- But in the end, I'll be clean? - Or dead.

Whoa.

That's a bit melodramatic.

I will be performing the rite.

We'll start tonight.

But I need you to sign this consent form.

It acknowledges the possible dangers.

Can I have a minute to read this

and consult with my spiritual counselor?

I need your answer by the time I leave,

or I'm moving on to the next exorcism.

Ouch.

Not a lot of Christian love there.

Oh, he sees through you.

- What is that? - Hmm?

Oh.

Where is this place?

The address is on the back.

They're looking for new members.

This is blasphemy.

What are you smiling about?

These idiots don't believe in Satan.

They're just co-opting the Devil to get press

and piss off religious people.

And tax-exempt status.

Sons of bitches.

These people should be strung up by their toes,

their throats slit and the blood poured on an altar.

How do you know they don't believe?

Look at this. "We're not a time-share."