I Don't Understand You

Is this gonna be the most fun adoption video ever made?

Okay, okay, Dom, let's be serious.

Her name is Candace. She lives in Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh? Pittsburgh.

-Am I shiny? -No, you look gorgeous.

You're not looking at me.

'Cause you always look gorgeous.

Okay? Here we go.

Okay, okay, so I'm gonna say that thing about traditions,

and then you will just say something like a human.

-Like a normal human person? -Like a normal human.

Okay, great, I can do that.

-Okay. -Here we go.

Three, two...

I've always wanted to create

-traditions as a family. -Mm-hmm. Yeah.

-It's-it's an opportunity... -Mm-hmm.

...for us to grow as a family and grow together

and-and gives us an opportunity to...

-Okay. Sorry. -Oh...

-What? -Y-You said "opportunity" twice.

Shit.

I just wish we could do this in person.

I know, but there's a thousand of us and just one of her.

-Okay. -Here we go.

Yep.

You know, we see the adoption process

as an amazing opportunity to look at our whole lives

and think about how much joy our child would bring...

Ah-ah. No. You can't say "our child."

-What? -No, you have to say

-"the baby" or "your baby." -Okay.

You can't just assume that it's our child already, so...

-Okay. I-I got it. Okay. -You got it?

I'm gonna do the cuts. You don't...

I'd prefer if you didn't do the cuts.

-I like to... Okay. -Okay? And...

We see the adoption process as a wonderful opportunity

to wait for years, spend thousands of dollars,

let social workers into our home,

acquiesce to an FBI background check...

Dom.

I have an idea.

I have an idea.

Just gonna keep it loose.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Salud.

Whew.

-Please give us your baby. -Please give us your baby!

"Would you do anything for your child?"

-"Anything." -"Anything."

That seems a little broad.

It's very, like, ominous, like...

"Would you do anything for your child?"

It's like the beginning of, like, a thriller.

Like... "Would you do anything for your child?"

Okay, this is the one: "Why do you want to be parents?"

This is the... All right.

I just want to show this child all the love

-that was shown to me-- to us. -Yeah.

And-and let this kid know that they have infinite potential,

that if they're... they're kind and-and openhearted

and-and maybe even a little bit silly,

that they can find joy.

We promise to do our absolute best.

And we know that choosing parents for your child

is a very complicated decision, so we just want to thank you

-for considering us. -Yeah.

Thank you.

This is my wife.

Cole, Italy's calling!

Time for vacation!

Okay.

-I'm ready. -Okay.

Here's your itinerary.

I have marked everything out,

and if we follow it, it should be perfect.

Sounds fun. Sounds... distracting.

It will be. It'll be fun.

Uber's waiting.

Is your mother coming to get Axel?

Yep, she should be here in about ten minutes.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

-Bye. -Axel, no parties.

-Hi. -Hello.

Baby, next time, let me book the flights.

Was there really nothing direct from Los Angeles?

Hey.

Oh, sorry. I was listening to a podcast.

-You, a podcast? -Uh-huh.

Yeah, it's this new podcast.

About?

About the restaurant we're going to for our anniversary.

-Oh. -Yes, 50 best restaurants in the world.

Vegetarian restaurant for my vegetarian husband.

Thank you, baby.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, don't worry about it.

-No. Who's-who's this? -Thank you.

This is, uh, Beatrice.

-Oh. -Hi, Beatrice.

-Hi. -You're perfect.

-Aw. -Aw.

What's this?

I'm rubbing elbows with one of the greats.

Mm.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my God.

Is that blood?

-Is your wallet in... -It's in my front pocket.

Okay, 'cause there's, you know, a lot of pickpockets here.

Oh, my God, your mother gets robbed one time in Russia.

I know. It's just... confirming that...

Dom, it's in my front pocket.

Okay, well, now everybody has seen

where you're keeping your wallet.

Can you smell me? I feel like I smell.

No, it's Europe. You'll blend in.

Who puts raw meat in an overhead compartment?

My grandmother used to put loose sausages

-in her purse. -What?

This is a bad omen.

I smell like blood.

The odor's gone.

Yes, but the memory lingers, Dom.

Mm.

This is cute, honey.

Baby, only the best for you.

Dom.

Look at this.

Oh, my God, it's incredible.

And, seriously, thank you for doing all the planning.

You still have your wallet?

Yes. I do.

-You need to stop. -I...

We made it, right?

We're here. We did it. Soak it in.

I am.

-It's in my front pocket. -Okay, that's what I'm...

-I was trying to be sexy there. -You were not.

You were giving me a stop-and-frisk,

and it's not cool.

Has she called yet? Candace?

Not yet.

-Getting nervous? -No. Are you getting nervous?

No. I would just like to speak to her, though,

to know that she's real.

Would this be easier if we were at home?

Really? Do you want to...

'Cause we can go home if you want to leave Italy.

No. No, no, no, I don't want to leave Italy.

I don't want to leave Italy.

I want to stay here, and I want to have fun.

Great. 'Cause we haven't matched with her yet,

-so don't get too invested. -Yeah.

Yeah, and she's not even due for a few weeks,

so it's like... this is perfect timing.

-Right? -Hey, yes.

This is perfect timing, okay?

This is a really special moment for us.

We're gonna have a blast, all right?

Okay.

-I love you. -I love you.

I think this might be the building here.

-That? -Yeah.

Ciao, Dom! Ciao, Cole!

Come inside! We feed you!

-Yeah? -That's him.

That's your dad's best friend?

-Yeah. -Wow. Let's hope they have booze.

So it turned out it was not the sink but, in fact, a bidet.

Oh, my God!

-I'm sorry. -No.

A gift.

-What is this? -No.

Yes, for your anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

-Oh, thank you. -Thank you.

-You didn't... Oh. -Wow.

-That is so thoughtful. -Thank you. Oh.

Oh, my gosh.

Knives.

-These are such unique gifts. -Yeah.

Your mother said, "He like knives," so we thought...

Kitchen knives, I think, is what she meant.

Well, yeah, Dom loves to cook.

Th-They are very good.

I hope you like it, uh, because they are the top on the top.

Uh...

Yeah, I have one just like this.

You got them engraved with our names on it.

Look at this. Cole...

-Domenico. -Oh.

Look at mine.

Mine says "Cool."

C-O-O-L. Cool knife.

-Cole... -Risotto.

-Ooh. That smells delicious. -Okay.

Oh, oh, um, I-I don't eat meat.

-Uh... -Uh...