You Me Her

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Did you know that trying to do everything in threes,

especially sex, is a poly foul?

Somebody put a full-price offer on this house.

Helen's gonna do us a landlord solid

and give us 72 hours to match it.

Could this morning be any more stressful?

- Don't say that. - I'm having what?!

They're twins, normal human girls,

not aliens or devil children.

I'm gonna get a real job with a real salary

so I can help us get the loan for the house.

"I've got a session."

I never thought I'd actually be saying that

as the therapist and not the patient.

Good morning, darling.

You look a little, uh... gorgeous.

That's the word I was gonna say.

- Thanks? - So, how about school?

You really should mind your own business.

Don't get that stupid savior look in your eye.

- Are you still in love with them? - More than ever.

Then you need to figure a way to love their life.

I have a gift. Pumpkin spice.

The official shit candle of Hawthorne Heights.

Nathan. Nathan, Izzy. Izzy is also a shrink.

She works with troubled teens at Directions.

I'm just gonna play it cool until you tell me

I'm definitely not getting this job.

You are definitely not getting this job.

I'm just gonna call 911.

Jack. Izzy.

Emma.

Hi. Excuse me. Nope, not you.

Hi. Excuse me. Hi.

Um, we... Our, um, wife was admitted earlier tonight.

Right, and before you go, like, "Our wife?"

her name is Emma Trakarsky. Yeah.

- And she's a beautif... - Hey!

Where the hell have you two been?!

My... My ringer was off, and I didn't quite hear the...

Yeah, and my phone was also kind of on the...

- It was... -... on the brink.

You know, this is so typical.

The shit gets real, and Mama's left

to handle everything on her own, right?

You got to live large in the spotlight,

and we toil away in anonymity,

Emma making not one, but two humans,

and me just holding the whole damn world together

while Dave can't even remember

what city he's lounging around in.

I mean, honestly, would it be so terrible

if he just choked on his room-service prime rib?

- You know, not to death, because I love him... - Mm. No, no.

... but enough so that the EMTs just have to kick in the door

and then they find some weird porn paused on the TV,

and they put on Instagram.

- Would that be so fucking terrible?! - Carmen.

- Is Emma okay? - Who?

Oh, yeah, she's fine. Babies are fine.

I'm gonna go now.

- Where... Should we follow you, or... - Okay, but is she... Is she... Is she...

Emma, are you okay?

- Oh, guys, I'm so embarrassed. - Does it hurt? What's going on?

No, no, no. It was just gas. It was gas.

- It's... I'm... I'm fine. Where were you guys? - Hey.

You know, it's like you fell off the edge of the earth.

We were at, uh...

- At a class. - Mm-hmm.

For home... home improvement.

Uh-huh. A class?

- Uh, yep. - Ah.

You know how, um, I wanna be handier

- around the house, like my dad? - Uh-huh.

Well, turns out I'm going through

a mild identity crisis...

- Oh. -... which is very common for guys

who are approaching parenthood and middle age

at the same time.

You smell like...

Alcohol.

- Good nose. - Yes.

They were serving it there.

They... You know what? Sometimes they, uh...

You know how at cooking classes they serve wine? Similar.

- Mm-hmm. - No, no, it smells more like, um...

Bourbon? Right?

- I was gonna say that before you interrupted... - Do we?

... because I wasn't done.

We've been talking about

- this not-interrupting thing, right? - Have we?

- Ah. - Look, the bottom line

is that we didn't learn anything

that we could actually demonstrate.

- If you were to ask. - You've been House Catting me.

- House Catting? - House Catting me.

You know, like, when the house cat gets away for the weekend,

runs with the strays, and comes back

a guilty, matted mess spinning tall tales.

That's you two right now.

I don't know about cats t... telling tales.

Guys, just where were you? Just tell me where you were.

- Shaun's new bar. - Shaun's new bar.

See, now, was that so hard? A little honesty?

- Sorry. - Sorry.

So, here's the thing: I'm totally fine.

It was a false alarm. I got a clean bill of health.

You know, damn the luck.

It happened in the middle of my interview.

- No, Emma, I'm sorry. - Yes.

No, no, no. It's fine, because I totally rocked it.

Dr. Bhang, how long have you been standing there?

Long enough to hear that torrent of bullshit.

The only words you got right were the ones

that don't matter, like "she" and "the."

Your wife had what's called Braxton-Hicks contractions.

Which, I assume, is not the technical term for gas?

So I left a few things out.

What, you wanna tell me a little more

about your drunk-handyman class?

Anyway, Braxton-Hicks isn't unusual at this stage,

but your symptoms were more pronounced than I'd like to see.

- Oh, my God. Is it serious? - Not this time.

But at your age with twins,

I'd like to keep an eye on things.

So watch out for bleeding

and take it easy for a little while.

This is your body's way of saying "slow down."

But when you say it's my body's way of saying "slow down,"

- you mean, like... - Slow. Down.

- Got it. - Doc.

At what stage of pregnancy are tranquilizer darts acceptable?

I neither heard that nor told you

that they're readily available at most outdoor-sporting-goods stores.

- I like her. - She's funny.

Today, we are going to show everything you need to know

to get your slippery shelf locked and loaded

and ready to store shit.

Hey, babe. How'd you sleep?

Like a rock. What's he doing?

- It's very entertaining. - Hm.

Voilà .

- Take notes, ladies. - That is how you hang a cab...

Aah! -Oh, my God!

- Oh, my... - Jesus! What the...

He didn't scream the first seven times.

- It's still hanging. - It looks great.

Hey, babe, why don't you just ask Gabe?

- He's good at this stuff. - Call Gabe?

Yeah, the real fucking man?

The one who got my dad's toolbox?

Things would have been different if I got the toolbox, right?

Maybe he would have been the one

with the bleached hair and the eyeliner.

Wait. Did that actually happen?

- Yes. - Are there photographs? Guys, wait.

- Wait, no. Emma. Emma. - Honey... Honey, I... I got... I got it.

- I got it. I got it. - Thank you.

Please sit down. You don't need to...

- Please, sit down. - Okay, there is

- a razor-thin line between sweet and creepy... - Here.

... and you two are skating on it.

- Emma. - Look, I'm fine.

You don't need to mummify me in Bubble Wrap.

Emma, the doctor said that you are "moderate to high risk."

- That is a big deal. - Okay, well, so I won't base jump or fight crime.

- Here. - Oh, my God. Shoo.

- Go already, guys, okay? - You just need a little vitamin C.

Look, I have much to do.

Need quiet. Please.

- Like what? - Yeah. Like what?

Well, I have decided to turn all offers down...

- "All" offers? - Did... Did we miss some?

... and start my own architectural-consulting firm

from home.

Well, don't all jump up and down at once.

Uh... now, Iz...

Honey, the doctor just said you were supposed to take it easy.

Oh, my God, babe, this is exactly why I said it was gas.

Okay, shoo, both of you.

I can't just lay around incubating our offspring all day.

I... I... I'm still me.

I'm still Emma Goddamn Trakarsky,

Slayer of Worlds!

Please?

Okay, just be careful.

We love you, Emma Goddamn Trakarsky.

- Mm. - Okay, get out of here.

Go, dorks.

Sometimes I swear it's like she can't stand

being in the same room as me.

- You know what I mean? - I do. I really, really do.

And... and... and I ask her if she wants to talk,

and she says that my voice is like nails

on the chalkboard of her soul.

Are you okay?

Mm. That's horrible.

- Sorry. Listen, Billy... - Barry.

Um, I'm gonna do you a solid, okay,