Not Suitable for Work

Antoine! Open up!

What the hell?

We're being evicted?

Oh, I'm sorry. Is your name Ethan O'Brien?

Because that's the name on the lease.

This is an illegal sublet.

How many times do I have to explain this?

Ethan's a pilot whose passion is the open air.

Nice try.

Your little boyfriend moved to Nashville to launch his music career.

Oh, I did my detective work, girlies.

No, no.

"No, no" is right. His music is terrible.

That is time I'll never get back.

So, go gentrify some godforsaken corner of Brooklyn like everybody else your age.

I'm not cool enough for Brooklyn. They'll eat me alive.

Antoine, please.

We are just a poor, racially diverse pair of friends

trying to make it in the big city. I work in the arts.

- And I'm an investment banker. - Shut up.

Okay, this conversation is over, but if you'd like to continue this rant,

go blame the guys who live across the hall from you.

They're the ones who told me.

- What? - And it wasn't even in passing.

They do not like you.

- No, no, Antoine, no, Antoine. - No, Antoine. Wait, what's that...

- Hey, buddy. - Josh.

What's going on?

I was asleep.

We heard you crying all night. You wanna talk about it?

Or at least take off Vivian's robe?

It's giving Silence of the Lambs.

But this robe is the only thing I have left to remind me of her.

See how you feel after you eat.

We got you a bacon, egg, and cheese.

- Thank you. - Of course.

But that's your last one.

You're single now.

You gotta get rid of this love lard.

Don't call him fat, you're gonna give him a complex.

Good!

Body positivity is only for women.

They can look however these days, but we gotta be ripped.

And no girl is gonna want to jump on those gorgeous bones of yours

with your ex's stuff lying around.

Put her stuff in here. I've got a job interview today.

I could drop it off at her place on the way.

Will you tell me what she says about me?

No.

Because honestly, that was a lie. I was just gonna throw it out.

Take your box. It's too soon.

And anyway, it isn't big enough for all the memories.

What the f...

Hey! Good morning.

Hi. How are you?

What a nice surprise.

Care for the blender remnants of a protein smoothie?

No, we don't want any of your stupid smoothie!

Stupid? Uh, there's 70 grams of protein in there.

I can't believe you little bitches narced on us.

And I can't believe you defiantly glorify criminality.

For months I've put up with all of your bullshit.

The girls coming in and out at all hours,

storing your shitty-ass bikes in the hallway,

which you've never once used.

Because the bike seat makes my penis numb.

And I'm pretty sure you're stealing some of my Amazon packages.

What? No, no, I would never steal.

Oh, those are your rhinestone flip-flops?

Yeah, I like sparkly things.

And I've never said a word.

But to be little snitches and get us evicted?!

- That is low, even for you. - I told Antoine never mind!

It was too late by the time you ratted us out.

So, you better fix this, or else.

Are you... threatening us?

You wanna find out?

My girl's from Dorchester, Massachusetts.

Is that a tough neighborhood?

I'm not familiar with local towns in other states.

Well, I'm from Jersey. Ever heard of that, bitch?

- Oh! - Okay, okay, okay.

Hey, we will fix this.

Just so you know, it's... it's not us.

- It's just Josh. - Yeah, Josh only wanted the apartment

for his girlfriend, but she dumped his fat ass.

Good.

Get your flops.

Stretched 'em a little.

I can't deal with this apartment shit right now.

It's my first real day of work, and I need to make a big impression.

I have decided it's my Alpha Day.

- Your what? - Alpha Day.

Banking environments are famously competitive places.

If you're not steamrolling someone, you are getting steamrolled.

Did you get nothing from Wolf of Wall Street?

I mostly remember Leo's naked butt.

It deserved an Oscar.

Okay, well, I need to send a message

that says I am hyper-competent.

I don't need anyone's help, and I don't love strip clubs,

but I can sit at the bar and eat wings.

And hope your boss doesn't remember

you called him an asshole and fire you.

I was trying not to think about that.

Yes, that too. Damn it.

That one.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

- Alpha Day. - Alpha Day.

I am an Alpha, I am a boss!

Kate, I'm so thankful you found me a job so fast.

You kidding me? We always need substitute teachers.

A lot of our staff take lengthy mental health sabbaticals.

And honestly, I was excited to hear from you.

- It's been a minute. - I know.

I got so busy with med school and everything, and...

Yeah, well, it's great to have you here.

I always thought you had the kind soul

and warm eyes of an educator.

Um, I'm... I'm really here for the schedule.

Substitute teaching will give me a lot of time to focus on auditioning,

and I need to book an acting gig before I can tell my parents

that I quit med school.

So, what excites you most about teaching

- is... not being at school? - No.

No, no, no, it's... It's so much more than that.

I see. Good.

Yeah, I mean, like, I need money for rent,

and groceries, and food, and stuff.

Totally, totally. Well, your first class is at 2:00.

Do I need to stick around until then, or...

I mean, it's not a written rule, but...

- Best job ever. - Uh, I... Just... Just to say it,

I know we have a romantic history.

A conversation about hummus at a party

turned undefined hookup situation.

And I promise you that will not affect

our clearly defined professional relationship.

Thank you, Kate.

- I'll see you at 2:00. - I'll see you at 2:00, too, yeah.

Awesome.

Awesome, yeah.

Ooh, I found you and Abby a listing.

A two-bedroom on Rikers Island.

You mean, Randalls Island?

No, this says, "Rikers."

Fine. Send it to me.

He's here.

Who? What is this?

It's Bill, dumb-ass!

Alphas don't get fired. Alphas don't get fired.

- Alphas don't get fired. Alphas don't... - Stop whispering!

And throw away your food. He hates seeing people eat.

How do you eat, then?

A Luna Bar on the toilet!

Hey! What are you doing?

Get in here!

Congratulations, today is the best and worst day of your life.

Do any of you consumer and retail experts

know what Yarn Barn is?

Launched in 2013 by Roland Shumwertz,

it's a Saint Louis-based crafting box store...

My mom orders all her bedazzling kits from there.

- Are you into crafting? - Do I look like I'm into crafting?

- No? - Correct.

Thankfully, many people are.

Yarn Barn is in 37 states and valued at over $3 billion.

Stanson Capital is buying it.

- Ellison Grant is doing the deal. - Oh, cool.

Someone has the internet.

What you don't know is Ellison Grant fucked the deal last night.

- What? How? - Rookie move.

They were talking shit about Yarn Barn's founder.

- Roland Shumwertz. - We know his name, Jocelyn!

Finish your story, Bill. It's great.

Anyway, they were on Slack saying his wife is divorcing him

because he looks like a turtle in a wool sweater.

But those dummies didn't realize Turtle Face was also on the thread.

So now, they're out, and we have a chance to poach it.

Hey, do I know you?

No. I'm the new first-year. I started yesterday.

I've never met you before, sir.

- Are you sure? - I don't know.

Do you go to the Trader Joe's on 31st and 3rd?

- What's Trader Joe's? - It's a discount grocery store.

- Founded by Joe Coulombe... - Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Now, at 10 a.m. tomorrow, Roland is coming here,

where he will read the best pitch book you have ever made.

Tomorrow?

It takes a week to put together a book like this.

Well, then I suggest you get to work.

Bill?

I, for one, thrive under pressure.

Thank you for putting your trust in us.

Dileep, you're with me.

We're meeting Roland at a crafting convention in Cleveland in six hours.

- Why are you still here? - Oh.

Hey, girl.

I got your green juice and Adderall.

You're resting,