Two and a Half Men

* Men.

So what time is your flight?

8:00 a.m.

8:00 a.m.?

Wow.

Yep.

You want me to drive you? That'd be nice.

So what time you think we should leave, around 6:00?

To be on the safe side.

Sure, sure.

You never know with traffic and airport security and all.

Would you rather I call a cab?

No, no. No, I won't hear of it.

I'll call one for you.

Golly, I'm gonna miss you.

A couple days without sex won't kill you.

It's not just sex.

You're my friend, my companion.

And what makes you think I'm not going to have sex?

Excuse me?

Hey, when the cat's away, the mice masturbate.

Tell you what,

why don't you open a bottle of wine,

come upstairs and I'll give the mice something to remember me by.

Oh, yay, fresh memories.

Much better than the video of you on my iPhone.

You took video of me on your iPhone?

Well, I...

Just a little.

I'd have asked permission, but you were kind of busy.

Give me the phone.

Aw...

Give it.

Thank you.

Oh, Charlie!

What? You can't even tell it's you.

I can't turn my back on you, can I?

Actually, I have photographic evidence that you can.

Not anymore.

Aw...

Don't pout.

Just get the wine and come upstairs.

Okay.

And leave the phone down here.

Aw...

Let's see, what's the proper wine for the occasion?

Ah, who cares? Everything goes with ass biting.

Hey.

Thought you were on a date.

I was.

It didn't go well.

Really? You're usually such a hit with the ladies.

This might have been the worst date of my life.

Did she dress you in a leather bustier

and tie you to a bed?

No.

Did she Super Glue a model car to your balls?

No.

Did she talk you into putting on one of Mom's dresses

while she stole your wallet?

No.

Well, then this wasn't even your worst date this month.

I suppose.

And thanks for the highlight reel, by the way.

Happy to help.

I feel like going down to the beach

and diving into the ocean and swimming out

until my arms are so tired that I sink below the waves

into blessed oblivion.

Hold on. Before you do anything crazy,

can you help me get this bottle open?

Sure. I mean...

these women you meet online--

you think you have some kind of a connection,

you know, a bond,

and then you meet them face-to-face

and there's nothing.

Just two lonely strangers staring at each other

across buffalo wings and soft-serve ice cream.

Well, maybe your problem is taking them to a mall food court on a first date.

Well, excuse me, but I don't want to make a big investment

until I have a sense of where things are going.

Plus, the parking is free.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Okay, well, good catching up.

If you're going for that swim,

make sure you tuck your driver's license

in your crack so I can identify your body.

I mean, is it so much to ask to make a connection with another human being?

No, it's not.

I'm not even looking for sex. I just want a little companionship.

That's rough. Buy a dog.

You said I couldn't have a dog in the house.

Fine. Buy a dog and move.

You know what would be great?

If you could find a dog with its own house.

What's taking you so long?

Oh, hi, Alan.

How was your date? Awful.

Oh, I'm sorry. You want to talk about it?

No. He's going for a swim.

Well, I-I could use a friendly ear.

Of course. Now tell me, this is the girl you met online?

Uh-huh. "Perky Dodger fan in Tarzana."

So what happened? First of all, she wasn't so much perky as porky.

More like a Dodger Dog fan.

Don't you hate it when people misrepresent themselves?

I do. When someone makes a date with

"Buff Malibu doctor," that's just what they get.

Apparently, even when the cat's here,

the mice have to masturbate.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Hey.

Hey.

Watching some football?

No fooling you.

Who are we rooting for?

The spread.

Ah, so we're making an illegal wager.

Technically.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging.

It's really a victimless crime, don't you think?

So far.

Sorry.

Heard any good jokes lately?

Yeah.

Two brothers are sitting on a couch.

One of them says, "Heard any good jokes lately?"

And then the other one--

get this-- the other one lights him on fire.

Okay, we'll just watch the game.

Thank you.

All right, it's a commercial.

Now you can talk.

Well, I was thinking, with Chelsea out of town...

Hold on, hold on, it's that baby that trades stocks.

I love this kid.

Look at this...

Okay, go ahead.

I was thinking, with Chelsea out of town,

that maybe, you know, after the game...

you and I could go out and grab a bite to eat.

No, thanks.

Not hungry?

Don't like you.

Oh, come on, I need some human contact.

That's probably a human.

Go contact them.

That was clever.

I'm a clever guy.

Well, hey, buddy. You're here early.

Oh, I was thinking, that if you're hungry,

you and I could grab a bite to eat and...

Maybe later.

He's been a little crabby since his girlfriend dumped him.

The kid's a stone-cold bummer, Alan.

Okay, well, thanks for dropping him off.

You're welcome. Oh, hey, Herb,

by any chance, do you want to go out and maybe grab a bite?

Really? You and me?

Sure. Why not?

That's kind of weird, isn't it?

I mean, you're the ex-husband, I'm the current.

So we've got something in common.

We do, don't we?

Right.

Neither one of us is having sex with Judith.

That's actually a little too close to home.

Sorry.

So what do you think?

I could eat.

Let's go.

Uh, you ever been to Kabob Kingdom?

At the food court? I love that place.

Hey, Berta, would you grab me a beer?

Sure.

Jake, grab your uncle a beer.

Let him get it himself.

Sorry. I tried.

Hey, numbnuts, just take a beer out of the fridge

and bring it over here.

Fine.

Here.

Thank you.

What's with the attitude?

You're the reason Celeste broke up with me.

You still grinding on that?

Yeah, I'm still grinding on it. I love her.

Stop it. You love fart jokes and pie.

Fart jokes, pie and Celeste.

If you hadn't talked me into hanging out

with that other girl, I'd still have all three.

Oh, come on, pal.

At your age, relationships aren't serious.

They're just, you know, puppy love.

No, no, this wasn't puppy love.

This was... dog love.