Married... with Children

You know, the boys are upstairs working so hard,

and this popcorn will make a nice surprise for them.

It's so easy to make too.

Uh, Peggy, you're supposed to move it around.

Oh...

Well, gee...

Now it's not easy anymore.

Peggy, did you know this says, "Use before May the 11th, 1972"?

Marcy, if you read it carefully,

it says, "Best if used before May the 11th, 1972."

Boys! Popcorn!

Can you believe it?

This little treasure was hiding in a box

up in the attic.

It was a wedding present from Al's parents.

They gave you popcorn?

Yeah.

Popcorn and Al.

I made out like a bandit.

Well, Steve's parents gave us china

and written instructions

on how to make melon balls for their son.

It's the only way he'll eat melon, you know.

Yeah, men are so fussy.

Do you know that after we were first married,

Al wouldn't eat unless his food was warm.

Okay, we've cleaned out your garage,

your back yard, and your attic,

so tomorrow you're gonna help me

clean out my garage, right, Al?

One... second.

No.

Now, Al, I hope that attic is nice and clean

for when mother comes to stay.

Oh, yeah, the straw's been laid down.

The trough's been built.

All we need now is a little glass of bourbon

to put her teeth in, and she'll be in,

pardon the expression,

hog heaven.

Hey, popcorn!

Marcy, I don't need you to tell me what to eat.

You're not my mother.

If you were,

you'd know how to make a decent melon ball.

Oh...

Mm! It's good.

No, no, no, no, no. No more popcorn

till you put that junk in the garbage.

Junk? I got a lot of good stuff here.

I can use a lot of this.

Steve, look what she wants me to throw out.

My hedge clippers.

They disappeared one day from my yard.

How did you get them?

Bud!

Get down here!

What, Dad?

Did you take these hedge clippers?

Yes, Dad.

You remember? You called Mr. Rhoades up on the phone,

and I slipped over and took them?

Well, don't ever do it again.

I'm sorry, Steve, he must've misunderstood.

Hey, that's my car battery.

Well, you can't count that, Steve.

That was before we became friends.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, the greatest thing happened at school today.

The bus driver had a nervous breakdown,

so we had to drive the bus ourselves,

so, um, if anybody calls

and accuses me of locking the driver in the bathroom

and taking the bus on a joy ride,

now you know it's not true.

So, what is all this junk anyways?

It's not junk, Kel. It's dad's life.

And it's all in this little box, isn't it, Dad?

You bet it is, son.

Hey, now, look at this.

"MVP, Pop Warner Football."

I was a little younger than you when I got this, son.

"All-star Little League Shortstop."

Oh, man.

"All-City Football."

Huh?

Then I met your mom.

"Co-ed Softball... Participant Award."

"Rookie Of The Year Shoe Salesman, 1968."

You notice how they're getting smaller?

Everything about him is.

Oh, yeah, and I'm sure you didn't have anything

to do with that, either, did you?

Well, that's the end of my trophies.

Gee, Al, what a testament to a...

loser.

Thanks, Steve.

No, really, you'll never relive this glory.

God, you must feel low.

I mean, I didn't have that much of an athletic past...

Oh, come on, Steve, you must have got

the "Running Home To Mommy" trophy once or twice.

Well, if I did win one,

I'm sure it's somewhere in your box.

The point, however, is my life is... getting better.

I've got the best trophy in the whole world

right here to share it with me.

Couldn't you just eat him up?

Nah, Peg'd probably just serve him cold.

Hey! Look at this!

The book that inspired my whole life.

Wanda The Preppy Hippo?

The Little Engine That Could.

Is this my book, Al?

No, it's not, and I can prove it.

Look here.

Yeah. "Property of the Oakwood Library."

Uh, gee, Al, it's a little overdue.

1957 is past, isn't it?

Can you believe that, Kel?

Dad was alive in 1957.

I didn't even think it was a real year.

Wow, what memories this brings back.

Yeah. Eh...

You can't throw this away!

Well, Steve, it's a book.

He certainly can't read it.

Al!

This is literature.

Don't you understand?

You have to bring this book back.

Libraries all over the country

are suffering from a shortage of books.

And a book is fuel for a hungry mind.

Ah, books are for idiots.

I mean... you can learn everything you need

from a movie or a date.

Well, the world needs bimbos too.

Al, just take the book back.

I've got bad memories of that library.

Aw, honey, is that because all the other kids were reading?

No.

It's because of the librarian...

Miss De Groot.

God, she was fat and old and...

fat.

I remember she had this cup of coffee on her desk,

and she'd always be spooning mounds of sugar into it

from a jar.

When she'd stir it,

it would make these clanking sounds

like chains on a ghost.

A fat ghost.

God, she hated me.

Well...

young Mr. Bundy.

The devil boy.

You'd like to check these out, would you?

Well, I'm afraid you can't.

Do you know why?

Because I didn't bring you French fries

like the other boys do?

You're a bad seed, Bundy.

You can't have these books

because you are consistently overdue,

you never have the money to pay,

and looking at you now, I doubt you ever will.

I'll bring 'em back, I promise.

You always promise,

but you don't follow through.

And that, in a nutshell, is your problem.

Make a promise, keep a promise.

Yeah, yeah, bake a pie, eat a pie.

Can I have the books now?

I've got a book report due tomorrow.

You may take just one book.

Hey, be fair. Can you eat just one pig?

You're a horrible little boy.

You'll never amount to a hill of beans.

And I wish that on you, Bundy:

to be the failure you deserve.

And take that hand out of your pants.

It's a filthy little habit.

Now, I'm going to let you have The Little Engine That Could

on the basis that you might learn something,

though we both know you won't.

Do you think anyone can teach you anything?

Well, you've just taught me

that even the slightest movement can make a fat person sweat.

Three days.

You have three days to bring this back.

Promise you'll bring it back on time.

I promise.

Oh, that means almost nothing.

But if you don't, remember,

I'll be waiting for you.

Boy... She hates you, Al.

I swear, one day, I'm gonna take that bowl of sugar

and pour the whole thing down her gas tank.

My life's gotta get better than this.