Work in Progress

Previously on Work in Progress.

We're gonna have sex tonight,

This bitch at work, she's like,

"I went to Costco and got you almonds."

- Tell me what you said. - Chill out, dude,

- I didn't say anything. - Dude?

You've got to talk to Dad.

He's getting married.

I had an ex, and I thought she loved me.

- I'm Melanie. - Melanie!

Ah, you've got me so fucking hot.

Oh, my God! Babe, your eye!

Just one more time, and then I'll go to the ER, okay?

Got two sevens in a... Goddamn it.

I'm an idiot.

You had sex.

Campbell.

- You had sex. - Please stop.

You had sex.

You had sex! You had sex!

Campbell.

- She had sex. - Oh, jeez.

You know what I'm saying?

- Campbell, please, please. - You're not denying it.

Girl, why would I deny it?

How was it?

Awkward.

- - Yeah, no fucking shit.

Okay.

- That's fair. - Yeah, I know.

I mean, it was all right,

I mean, he was good, like good, good... but.

I want details.

In what universe,

do you think I would ever give you details?

All right, just some details.

Campbell, I had sex!

Not everything about me has changed.

Okay, fine.

Except it's been like what, 10 years?

Seven.

Oh, jeez. Okay, seven.

Well, this is fucking awesome.

- Thank you. - You broke the curse.

I wouldn't really call it a curse, all right?

Hmm, I would. You think it's gonna happen again?

It already did.

Boo kay.

Boo to the kay.

I know!

Who are you, exactly?

Honestly, I don't have a fucking clue.

Hey, man, nice shirt, dawg.

Hi, you're tall, I like it.

Hello. Hi.

Hey, girl, how's it going?! Yeah!

Georgia! Hi, girl! Hi.

How are you? Yeah.

Keeping it real, all right. See you guys later.

What up, girl? Good to see ya. Never met ya, but it was fun.

Wait, just to be clear, these are good injuries, right?

Campbell, yeah.

He's not hurting me. I'm hurting me.

It's not just like riding a bike, I'll tell you that much.

_

Hi, how are you?

Fine.

Ignorant bitch.

I fucking hate bathrooms.

Really, well you spend enough time in them.

That woman over there just gave me that whole,

"Are you in the right bathroom look."

That still happens?

Yeah, Aly, it still happens.

Well I didn't think that it would happen here.

What are you talking about, it happens everywhere.

It's happened to me in gay bars.

- What? Come on. - I'm serious.

Every single time I go into a public bathroom,

I feel unsafe.

I even do my "Hi, how are you?" voice,

you know, so she can know that I'm...

- Julia Child? - A lady. I'm a lady.

- Oh, okay. Abby... - Fuck.

People are ignorant.

You just gotta try and rise above.

Yeah, rise above, totally.

Don't be late to your junior league meeting,

you fucking cunt.

That was her.

- God I hope so. - Yeah, I guess I...

Abby, you know that I hate that word.

- What? Cunt? -

You know that I hate that word and you use it all the time.

I love cunt, I mean the word.

I mean, maybe I'll even be able to slip it

into a toast at Dad's wedding.

Okay, please don't make that any weirder than it already is.

- It is weird, right? - Mm-hmm.

I mean he goes and meets this Carol Anne.

- Carol Lynn. - Carol-whatever.

And then they decide to get married?

Well, I mean in his defense, it's not like Dad

has a ton of time to get to know somebody.

Girl, that is dark, and I like it.

Ooh, don't forget:

he's gonna call us with the wedding plans.

Yeah, you've told me like, uh, four times.

Well, it's important.

God, you don't have to be so cunt about it.

- The adjective would be "cunty." - Okay, okay...

But I'm proud of you for trying. Look.

I even saved it into my phone.

"Wedding of the century conference call."

- Nice. That's very nice. - Thank you very much.

I'm very proud of it.

You know what, why don't you invite Chris?

Yeah, we would love to have him.

The kids can't stop talking about him.

- How is he? - He's good.

Yeah?

- Like really good? - Ooh.

Like are we talking about sex?

Yeah, I regret that.

Oh, here they are. Do you want these?

Ravinia tickets.

We won them at the school auction but I can't use them.

Oh, what did you guys bid on, Steely Dan?

Three Dog Night? Hard pass.

Dolly Parton.

- Bullshit. - You're welcome.

Thank you so much, that's amazing.

Thank you.

You're really gonna make me reach?

You have so much more money than I do, Aly, come on.

Oay, I mean I got you tickets.

I did not ask for them. They are a gift.

I mean, the junior league lady really pissed me off!

I'm fucking sick of being seen as dangerous.

What about this, is menacing? I don't fucking get it.

Yeah, from what I've seen you're only a danger to yourself.

Okay, you know what, I like to have sex with you, okay?

Go fuck yourself. Listen, that was mean, but funny.

You know, for fuck's sake, we just want to pee.

I shouldn't have to download an app for that.

- You download an app? - Yeah.

- To pee? - Yes. Refuge Restrooms.

It helps me find the nearest single stall.

- That's... never heard of it. - Yeah. It saved my life

when I was driving up from Kansas by myself.

- Uh-huh. - You should download it.

Maybe, yeah, but... I like my method more.

Like, just to hold it in until I get a painful and expensive UTI.

Call me crazy.

Hey, Chris, could you try not to get like that orange stuff

on my dead mom's couch?

All right, fuck you, too.

Ah, fuck, uh... hold on.

- Yep, I'll be right back. - What?

Oh nothing. Don't worry about it.

Go about your business.

- What business? - Nothing. You know what I mean.

Are you still doing that?

Doing what?

- Abby, I thought... -

I'm so sorry. I can't hear you, okay?

Give me one second.

I just thought things were better.

Oh, my God, they're so much better.

They're so good.

_

Can I be honest with you?

All right, I know that's the question, can I?

Fuck.

Basically, things are going all right.

Fuck.

Oh, I know I'm not always nailing it

but I'm doing so much better than I used to,

so that's something.

All right, bear with me for this sidebar.

Do you think it's possible that the universe hears our pain

and if yes, maybe throws us a fucking bone

every once and a while?

I know.

All right, me neither, I thought I'd give it a try.

Fuck.

Fucking hippy dippy, like I wear prairie skirts

and feather earrings.

But still, living your truth isn't all great.

Like, people don't always love it.

Like those people that lose their shit

when I live my truth and they think

I'm in their bathroom and not mine.

I'm fucking 45 and afraid to use bathrooms.

Like, you try to be proud, and you get fucked over.

Fucking assholes.

The other night, Chris asked me about the almonds

and it's like, are you still throwing them away

and I mean, yeah.

But I avoided that question like a motherfucker.