Jean-Claude Van Johnson

My name is Jean-Claude Van Damme.

I used to be super famous.

Perhaps you remember my first starring role in "Bloodsport."

It is on television all of the time.

Or maybe you've seen "Timecop,"

which is like "Looper," starring Bruce Willis,

but like a million times better.

But this is not a movie.

And that man is not an actor.

He's trying to kill me.

But I'm not worried because...

I have a gift.

I am the master of the splits.

Or at least I used to be.

How did this happen?

How did I get here?

JC, I used your shower and now I'm all sticky.

It's coconut water.

Your shower uses coconut water?

All of the plumbing uses coconut water.

I don't understand.

Of course not.

You never do.

This is the first time I've been here.

Let me help you get dressed.

Okay.

Hey, excuse me. Excuse me.

My, uh, ramen is dry.

Yeah, man, that's what we do.

Dry ramen.

Uh, can you put some, uh, water on mine?

We actually don't have access to water.

We're a pop up experience, not a restaurant.

Okay, I don't understand.

Dude.

Oh, hey, no shit.

Where you been, man?

You got anything coming out?

I'm retired.

What about on, uh, DVD?

VOD?

No, no. Real retired.

Not like Nicholas Cage retired.

Oh, man.

I thought you were Nicholas Cage.

Shooting's about finesse, JC.

You gotta have a soft touch.

Yeah, I'm not exactly known for my soft touch.

Let's try this.

You told me about your favorite childhood memory once.

You remember that?

Yeah. The farm.

Your grandfather's emu farm.

Picture it.

It's a beautiful day.

Nowhere for you to be.

Nothing for you to do.

It's just you,

and those big...

majestic...

...birds.

Whoa.

I love you.

I love you.

Vanessa.

What? Shit.

Hey, Vanessa, I called... I'm late for a flight.

I wrote, I tried everything.

I miss you.

What do you want me to say to that?

Let's have dinner tonight. Let me explain.

I'm flying to Bulgaria in three hours.

For a job?

But I thought you quit.

I didn't quit working, JC.

I just quit working with you.

You take care of yourself, okay?

Vanessa.

Hey, bro, you forgot your dry ramen.

Val Kilmer?

Jane.

It's your favorite client.

I'm back.

Jane. JC.

Goddamn, I got such a hard on when I heard your voice.

Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Hey, you ready to pop the trunk on this shit?

Yes. Let's go.

Where have you been?

I've been relaxing.

Uh-huh. That explains no Christmas cards, birthday cards.

Okay, first up.

Action re-imagining of "Rikki-Tikki-Tavi."

Channing Tatum's playing the mongoose,

you'd be one of the cobras.

This is set up at Paramount.

Jane.

Action re-imaging of "Anne of Green Gables."

This was on the black list last year.

Kid who wrote it is a garbage man in Fresno.

Uh, honey, those are not edible.

Oh.

That's at Paramount.

Okay. This isn't Paramount.

Jane. Origin story.

Of the restaurant P.F. Chang's.

But imagined as an action movie.

You'd be Richard Shaw, sidekick to Phineas Fog Chang.

Channing Tatum is attached. Jane.

Jackie Chan's playing General Tso,

he's rides a giant CG chicken.

This is gonna be great.

Jane!

When I told you I was back,

I did not mean JCVD.

I meant... Johnson.

I see.

Director authorization recognized.

Security protocols engaged.

Johnson has been retired for two years.

That's an eternity in this line of work.

Room secured.

I stay active. I play Frisbee golf.

This isn't a game, Jean-Claude.

It's black ops.

Real black ops, not the game.

I send you out there before you're ready, people die.

No one's going to die.

Except for all the people I'm going to kill.

I'll put out feelers, see if there are any low risk assignments.

I want Bulgaria.

Oh, the job Vanessa's working.

Honey, that ship has sailed. You had your chance.

I want Bulgaria.

That job is booked.

My guy's already on the ground.

Who is it?

Jones? Thompson?

Brown. Brown.

Brown is a monster.

His, uh, methods are a bit extreme, but he's good.

Brown is good, but Johnson is better.

I can make the call.

For you, I'll always make the call,

but this isn't just about the client and you know that.

You need the cover job, too.

And that movie starts shooting in two days.

Jane, I trust you.

I'm going to pack.

JC, please tell me this isn't about Vanessa.

JC!

Well, JC, good news.

I worked my magic.

The mission and cover job are yours.

That's right, Bulgaria's a go.

But you're going up against bloodthirsty drug runners,

so, yeah, I hope you're ready.

Because... ready or not,

Johnson is back.

Hiya.

Oh, shit.

Ta-dah!

I can't believe you pulled this.

Vanessa... Don't, don't even.

You know how much this job means to me.

How hard I've worked to get here.

I'm not letting you fuck that up for me.

Get to work or get lost, your call.

Heroin cut with ketamine.

Kids call it HK. Hong Kong.

It's being smuggled in cans of motor oil.

It's highly addictive and highly lethal.

All right, you're set.

We know the source?

Intel points to a factory outside of town.

I'm gonna run recon this morning while you're shooting.

If it checks out,

we'll get you in there at the end of the week.

End of the week?

I thought it might make sense for you

to spend the week warming up with stunt work.

Before you have to do the real thing.

You know.