The Last Man on Earth

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

Since we started trying to have a baby,

I haven't been myself.

- I'm pregnant. - Uh, this is

thermal imaging.

It uses satellites to find heat signatures.

What the hell?

Uh, that's where you're supposed to start.

Oh. Sorry. I was just distracted

by the beautiful word-highlighting.

No, no, no. I could... I could tell that, sure.

- Yeah. - Here. I'll rewind it for you.

You just

- give me a signal when to begin. - Okay.

And also, the highlighting of the words is the signal

that the machine gives, so...

Hmm.

What? Oh, now? Now?

- Yeah. Yes. Yes. - Oh, okay.

Okay. Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Carol, what... what was that?

Oh, I was singing it to the tune of "Jingle Bells."

Well, could you please sing to the tune

of "Can't Fight This Feeling"?

Oh, that's not very fun.

And it's out of my register.

God, this just isn't the same without Mike.

Now, okay, that came out wrong.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm just worried about him.

He won't come out of his truck.

Well, he just needs some time to learn to be with people again.

Don't worry. He'll come around.

I hope so. Thanks, Care Bear.

Hey, let's try it again, and this time,

just sing whatever,

whenever, okay?

I might just read it.

Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna make a snack.

- Yeah? - You tell me how it turns out.

Okay.

Oh, I think they might get together.

Hey, Erica.

Just getting a jump on the nursery.

What? You're going with yellow?

Yeah. Yellow triggers heightened levels

of motivation and self-confidence.

It's also great for memory retention.

Did you ever consider... blue?

Well, I... Don't you think that's leaning pretty heavily

in one gender direction?

Don't you think yellow's

leaning pretty heavily in the urine direction?

Geez, excuse me. I was just trying to help, you know.

No, I mean, don't get defensive. I...

Well, you just attacked the color I chose.

You know, I went into survival mode.

Relax. I'm just saying if we're going to co-parent together,

maybe don't leave me out of these decisions.

Fine. Okay. What color would you like?

- I like blue. - I like yellow.

Okay, well, obvious solution here.

- You like yellow, I like blue. - Right.

So let's just go with green.

Green?

Green it is.

- Great. - Green.

Ridiculous.

Carol, what the hell are we eating?

It's called "fake-a-mole."

We're out of avocados, so I just whipped up some oatmeal,

added brown rice for mouth-feel,

then blended in some green food coloring, you know,

for visual titillation.

And the uncooked pasta?

Hmm. "Fake-atilla chips."

We're out of tortilla chips, so... dig in, huh?

Well,

no disrespect, but I think I'm gonna fake-a eat this.

Okay, you know what? I'm doing the best I can.

We are pretty much out of everything.

Who's supposed to go on the next supply run?

Well, according to the chore wheel, it's Gail and Melissa,

and they were supposed to do it yesterday.

Well, don't look at me.

I didn't even know we had a chore wheel.

- Catch us on the next spin, I guess. - No.

We all have to pitch in.

- Come on, guys. - Yeah. This is ridiculous.

- Okay, fine. Geez. - We'll go.

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.

You hanging in your truck, checking out your blobs?

Tandy, no coarse language

at the table.

And if you have to, use the scientific term: Gonads.

Oh, no, no, no, Carol.

He's talking about my thermal imaging machine,

which I use to locate heat signatures.

Uh, let me explain. It's like the Predator.

You know, like how the... He sees the world?

The Predator sees the world? You know?

Like if a-a tiger jumps out of a jungle bush.

Uh, Predator doesn't see a tiger.

He sees more, like, a bunch of colors, you know?

You know, but he-he still knows it's a tiger.

You guys seen Predator?

No.

Okay, Mike, you better explain this.

Uh, yeah. It's like a metal detector for heat.

- Oh! - I was gonna do that one next.

- Oh, that's cool. - Yeah.

Y-You find anything on there, or...?

Yeah. Just last night, I saw something

unlike anything I'd ever seen on there before.

What is it?

Well, I-I'm not really sure.

You know, uh, your typical volcano is what...

I don't know... 1,600 degrees Fahrenheit?

Yup.

Yeah, right?

Uh, and this thing's clocking in at 100 degrees,

which is noteworthy because the human body temperature is 98.6.

- Oh. - Wait.

Are you saying it's people?

No. I mean, it could be a million things, you know.

It could be a, what, a geyser, or, uh, you know,

just some trapped methane, you know.

A bunch of geese, maybe.

Guess I'll, uh, find out tomorrow.

Tomorrow? What...? What-what do you mean?

Oh. I'm leaving.

What's up?

You just got here, Mike,

and you're already leaving?

No, it's 800 miles away. I'll be back before you know it.

Uh, gas is unreliable, we're in a foreign country.

No AAA.

You know as well as I do

that 800 miles in this world isn't really 800 miles.

I got to go see this thing, man.

I got to check it out.

I mean, sure, it's probably nothing,

but, I mean, what if it isn't, okay?

Come on, man. It's too dangerous, especially alone.

Come with me then.

I can't leave Carol right now.

I mean, she's super pregnant, and the twins.

Look, I'm begging you.

Okay, fine.

I won't go.

So this map shows all the markets

in a 50-mile radius.

What do the smiley faces mean?

Well, smiley faces look sort of sinister to me,

so they represent all the stores that don't have any more food.

So, the rainbows represent the stores we should go to?

No, those are just rainbows.

Just tell us where we should go.

Well, your best bet is probably

this area... over here.

- Hmm. - Okay? You gals

think you can handle this?

Carol, you can count on us.

How long you think we need to be gone?

Five hours. Pull.

Think that we should go to at least one store

so we can honestly say we tried to look for supplies?

No. Pull.

Going somewhere?

What the hell are you doing?

Keeping you honest, you friggin' donkey dong.

What if I didn't see you?

I would've killed you, you friggin' turd.

You already did kill me, Mike.

In my heart.

You lied to me.

You said you were gonna stay, and you lied!

Oh, come on. What is the big deal?

I'm gonna be gone for, like, three days.

I'm saving your life, Mike.

Traveling this distance alone,

one little mistake, and you're dead.

I orbited the friggin' Earth, Phil!

I'm pretty sure I can handle a truck

on a bunch of paved roads.

Fine! Go. But you're gonna have to drive

over my face and head in the process.

You know what? That'll probably improve your looks.

Oh! Is that a joke about how ugly I am?

No, it's a very serious statement

- about how ugly you are. - How dare you.

All right, see you later. I'm gonna pop your head

- and hit the road. - Oh, good!

Have fun killing me!

Have fun getting killed by me!

Hey, tell Carol I want an open casket

so everyone can see what you did to your own brother!

An open casket will make it a lot easier

to take a dump on your dead chest!

Oh, you're a monster!

I can't wait to teach your babies how to smoke!