Vice Principals

Y'all stop it and get to work.

I ain't trying to be out here all day.

Oh shit.

Ma, how come your panties ain't burnt up?

Momma got them flame-retarded drawers.

All right now! Y'all know my nerves is bad.

I'm not in the mood for that. Now y'all come on now.

Okay, like... Hey!

- Jeez. - You've been living here how long?

I've been here for about two weeks.

Can you shed some light on what might have happened?

I'm sorry to say, but my gut is telling me it's arson, Dr. Brown.

- Arson? - You know anybody

that might want to burn down your house?

No, not at all. We just moved here.

That's your job. You tell me.

It could be anybody.

Hobo, drunkards, gutter punks, secret enemy.

Maybe even a family member who begrudges you.

Are those your kids?

Ohh!

Would y'all quit all that racket in there?

Don't you have homework to do?

Man, see, this is why I say we should've never left Philly.

This place is bumfuck.

Now, that's enough of this talk, okay?

This is our home now. Deal with it.

- People here are corny as fuck. - Well, you corny.

Look at you.

I'm Candyman!

Uh-uh! Hey! Stop it with them matches!

Mario, what the hell is wrong with you?

- Damn it! Break it up! - You're a bitch!

Break it up, I said!

Enough!

Enough!

Hurry!

Go! Move it!

- What are y'all gawking at? - Get to class. Get in there.

- It's not funny. Get inside. - What is...

So this is some kind of tradition?

It happens every year to kick of Spirit Week.

Pranks between North Jackson and Percival are legendary.

A whole week of this?

Leading up to homecoming.

Then they kick our ass in the game every year.

Y'all keep moving. Keep moving. Stop looking.

Well, not every year.

We beat 'em once, nine years ago.

All this means is we just gotta come back at them even harder.

Oh, I'm afraid not. We are not participating in this behavior.

Well, it's tradition, so

- you better... - I'm sorry

if I do not share your enthusiasm

with damaging property, Mr. Gamby.

My house burned down.

This, right here, is exactly why sports get on my nerves.

Us and them, winners, losers,

it divides us in a very unhealthy way.

- Yes, it does. - Sports unhealthy?

Well, you might want to take that up with the cereal Wheaties

'cause I think they would disagree.

Sounds stupid saying sports are unhealthy.

Folks don't want to be seeing doo-doo on the lawn.

Clean it up.

- Are you talk... - Clean it up!

Okay.

Janice Swift. New fish.

The woman you are replacing worked here for 30 years.

Many people loved her, including myself.

You have very big shoes to fill. Are you ready?

Sure. I think so.

Don't be braggadocios. It's not attractive.

Grab that ISS folder and follow me.

We're on the move!

Each of you will be required to wear a safety vest

while you dispose of the manure.

Ms. Swift, I expect you to be able to identify

these problem students visually.

Watch. Jared Ribner, caught cheating on a math test.

Four days ISS.

Timothy Blanchard, called his teacher a dickhead.

Seven days ISS.

And finally, our main attraction, Mr. Barry Weiss.

I confiscated a vial of liquid LSD from his locker.

Where'd you get the acid, Barry?

Where's the trips?

Not mine, and you can't prove it was.

Have fun cleaning up Percival's horse shit, you asshole.

Flag him and let's move.

Every morning, I come down here for breakfast.

I love to get a little something to eat.

They know what I like. What do I like to eat for breakfast, you guys?

Come on, this ain't a trick question. You guys know what I like.

Dayshawn, what do I like to eat for breakfast?

Chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream, extra syrup.

What? No, I don't like that.

- Quinoa. - Quinoa?

I know you're all about that game this weekend though.

- I most certainly am. - That's what I'm talkin' about.

And I'll tell you what, I think we got a good chance of winning this year.

We are gonna get our ass... You are dead serious.

- For real? - Yes, for real.

I mean, maybe. I hope so.

They do make us look like we suck like shit though.

- I'm telling you. - Dayshawn, do not talk

about sucking shit in front of Ms. Swift.

- That is not appropriate. - I'm sorry, Ms. Swift.

My name is Dayshawn.

I like your glasses.

Do you have boyfriend?

Do you?

Hmph. Didn't think so.

Let's move.

You want this corn dog?

No, it's okay.

I'm gonna give you my corn dog.

Whoo! Hot milk!

Looks like somebody caught a mean case of school spirit.

Hey, Mr. Gamby.

- What was that? - Nothin'.

Just a, uh, off-the-cuff remark about your school pride.

I'm not gonna repeat it word-for-word.

It just wouldn't be as fresh.

Okay. That's fine.

I mean, the gist of it was that, uh...

it looks like you're really looking forward to homecoming.

Oh. Honestly, not at all.

I got assigned to be faculty advisor

for the homecoming committee, but, um, I don't know.

This whole thing just makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Now I know you're fuckin' with me.

Look at these signs.

Looks like you've been working on these all night.

I just found that in the shed.

Well, you breathed new life into it.

Keep up the enthusiasm, Ms. Snodgrass.

We're sure gonna need it.

I wish I had a million, ten thousands of you.

- Thanks. - Thank you.

Get back to work.

Good work, Taylor! I love these signs!

- Snodgrass! - Yeah?

On your knees!

To paint the sign, not to do dick sucks.

Oh, fuck. Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Someone's been eating strawberries.

No, no, no.

Look, look, we... We should talk.

We should talk. Uh...

what happened in Charles Towne Landing,

it was a one-time thing.

What?

I literally just got finished blowing you.

You haven't told anyone, have you?

Are you serious right now? Are you playing with me?

Bosses and employees cannot fuck each other.

That's not what you said at Charles Towne Landing.

Your recollection of events is all over the place, okay?

You wouldn't want to be fired for being a liar.

It's not a lie. You fucked the shit out of me.

Well, then for being a whore.

- Excuse me? - I'm just sayin'.

That's how it's gonna look to people.

Who's gonna gossip?

- Whoever finds out about... - I'll fucking kill 'em

- if they gossip. - No. See? See?

There you go.

Just please don't tell anyone, okay?

If anybody gossips about my baby,

- I'll fucking kill 'em. - No. Uh-uh.

Uh-uh. No, look, look. Look, look.

We'll... we'll talk later.

- I love you. - What?

No, no, no. No. No. Not really. I just...

I'm not one of those guys who's afraid to say that.

Just wait here five minutes and leave after I leave, okay?

Okay.

I love you too.

All right, boys! Defense above the line!

God damn. Come on, Coach!

Get these boys movin'!

We're gonna get our ass kicked for homecoming! Again!

Pay attention to the game!

They suck.

Did you see Brown this mornin'?

Jesus! Put a fork in her. She's done.

I installed spyware on Cuntress' laptop.

She's been hittin' those Linkedln job searches

like she eats cheesecake.

I'll tell you what, Gamby, we've got this bitch

exactly where we want her.

One push and she falls into the Grand Canyon.

If she can fit.

- If she can fit! If she can fit! - 'Cause she's so big

that there's no way she

- could probably fit. - I got it.

Yeah.

Wait, is that a permanent marker?