Hall Pass

Do you recognize who this stud

is in the blue shorts right here?

That's me, the summer I got out of college.

Wow, Dad, you used to have muscles.

Well, I still got a few.

Where?

They're hibernating.

Who's that girl?

That's Mommy.

No, the young one standing next to you.

That's Mommy.

How come Mommy doesn't wear a bikini anymore?

Is it because of her fat ass?

Yeah. I guess.

What? No. Who said Mommy has a fat ass?

Mommy did.

Words hurt, Gunnar.

Hey, honey. We better get a move on.

We gotta meet up with Fred and Grace soon.

No, I know, I know. I'm trying.

How long do you think you're gonna be?

Uh, 45 minutes? Less, if you help with the kids.

No, 45 minutes is good.

And this photograph is of me in high school.

I'm kidding. A joke. Come on.

Okay, come on. Bath time.

Time to scrub some backs and clean some cracks.

I miss going out with you on Saturday nights.

I wanna have a new policy of going out six nights a week without the kids.

Seriously though, I think it would be

good for us to go out one night a week...

...where it's just you and me.

-It would be-- -You gotta be kidding me.

-What? You just checked out that girl's butt.

-Who did? -You did. And it's rude.

-What? Do you think she noticed? -I noticed.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just spacy tonight, honey, I'm sorry.

Hey, guys, come on. We're late.

Hey. -Hi.

-Hey, Rick. -How you doing?

What's wrong? -Nothing.

Grace, let me ask you a question.

Does Fred ever check out other women in front of you?

No, no. Fred's not a gawker. He's a good boy. Ha, ha.

Hmm. -Come on, let's go say hi to Dr. Lucy.

-Let's go get a beer. -Yeah.

Hey. Hi.

-Congratulations. -Thank you, thank you.

Our first friend to win an award.

Oh, stop it. Listen, I don't deserve this thing.

-Oh. Come on. Yes you do. Yes, you do. -Oh, come on.

-The whole thing is just embarrassing. -Stop it.

What is this, amateur hour?

How the hell does your wife catch you checking out another girl?

She walked by and I glanced back for like half a second.

-Two beers, please. -You got it.

Hey, Quagmire, you don't wait for the girl

to walk past and glance back at her, okay.

You got to spot her from 15 feet away, turn,

then wait for her to walk into your line of vision.

-What do you mean? -Don't you get it?

You can't help it if her butt walks where you're looking.

Where you're looking, it was your air space.

-What could you do? -Exactly.

-Is that an original? -No.

-Who? -Coakley.

-Coakley? He did. -Hey, guys.

Hey, Missy.

Drink up, guys. Let's get this party started.

-Yes. -Whoo!

Whoo! Ha, ha. Whoo! Ow.

Missy sure is looking chipper for someone going through a divorce.

Yeah. God.

You know what I love about divorcées?

They love sex.

-Is that true? -I don't know.

-I like to think so, though. Ha, ha. -You would like to think it was true.

God.

Look at those meatheads checking out Missy.

Do they think they're invisible? I know.

Hey, I thought you said Fred isn't a gawker.

He was standing right there. I can't let him know that I know.

-It'll take all the fun out of it. Ha, ha.

Oh, God, he has this stupid move where he looks back...

...and he waits for the girl to pass...

...so that it seems like he couldn't help it

but notice her ass. It's pathetic.

You wanna hear a great idea?

Why don't you go upstairs and slip into something uncomfortable...

...while I give the babysitter a ride home?

I want to, honey. I really do.

It's just... after midnight and I gotta get up early with the kids.

No, I'll get up with the kids. I'll take them to the park.

I'll take them to Finn's birthday party. You just stay in bed...

...and play back some of the more acrobatic highlights...

...from the show I'm about to put on for you.

-Mm. Okay. I'm in. Ha, ha. -Ah.

They're home!

Sorry.

He couldn't fall asleep.

So how were the little monsters tonight?

Perfect.

That Gunnar is so cute.

He's like a little monkey. He just wants to climb all over me.

Hmm.

All right, here we are.

Good night. Thank you.

Mr. Mills, can I ask you something?

Yeah, shoot.

I was wondering, um ....

Could you buy me some beer?

Buy you some--?

How old are you?

I'll be 21 next week.

-Wow. That's a biggie. Happy birthday. -Yeah.

So could you?

Well, you know, the law's pretty clear on this.

I think you actually can get into a lot of trouble--

Come on, I'm a junior in college.

You drank when you were in college, didn't you?

-I .... -Besides, it's so arbitrary.

How does it make sense that 20's old enough to vote or watch porn...

-...but it's too young to have a beer? -Really?

Twenty's old enough to, um--?

-Vote? -No. The other thing.

Watch porno? Yeah. Half the girls in those things are my age.

I mean, unless it's that weird fetish stuff

where the women are, like, 40. Ha, ha.

Mm.

Look, I promise, no one's gonna find out.

Come on! Join me down at the river.

We'll listen to some tunes and suck down a few beers.

Oh ....

Freeze right there!

Sir, you're under arrest for supplying alcohol to a minor.

Mills, you're fired!

I award your wife the house, the cars and half your wages.

I don't want you walking me down the aisle. You cheated on mom!

I don't want you at my civil ceremony. You cheated on ma!

Get out.

What?

What I mean is that I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Why not?

Because it would be inappropriate, Paige.

What, is that your adult voice? "That would be inappropriate, Paige."

-Come on, it's for the-- -No, Paige.

Come on! What are you thinking? I'm a married man. I have children.

You think they'd like me at the river all alone drinking with a coed?

I never said alone. My boyfriend and his roommates are down there.

Okay, you better head inside now.

Good night, Paige.

Ew.

-What the hell were you thinking? -Okay, scoot along now, Paige.

Oh, thank God, you're still awake.

Quiet. Gunnar just fell asleep.

Okay. Let's tiptoe.

-Be very quiet, but still excited. -Ha, ha.

-Okay. -Ha,ha.

I'm scared.

-Can I sleep with you tonight? - Aw.

-Daddy? - No, absolutely not.

Daddy, words hurt, you know.

-Well .... -Come on, she's scared.

-We can let her-- -What? Are you serious?

Look, this isn't just about her cock blocking me.

I don't like that my daughter needs someone to sleep with her every night.

That's not gonna be good when she goes to college.

Well, can someone at least read me a story?

Okay, one quick story.

Jump up.

And what is this new expression, words hurt?

-Where did you get that? Mommy.

-Mommy? Mm-hm.

Okay, well, Mommy isn't always right.

You know what my dad had? A belt. Yeah. Now, that hurt.

"Amazingly, our plan worked.

The gum kept the door from banging, and we never heard

'Don't slam the door' again.

The end."

-There. You look pretty, Daddy. -Good.

Okay, that was the last ponytail. It's time for you to go night-night.

Give me a big hug and a kiss.

Mwah. Mwah.

-I love you, Emma. -I love you more.

No, I love you more.

Honey? Honey?

Honey?

No. No.

I won. Uh.

Come on. Let's go to the slides, Gunnar.

Can you believe all the talent here today?

I know.

I mean, look at this buffet of ass.

Imagine coming here back when we were single.

-Ooh. The damage we would do? -Ha, ha, oh, boy.

Oh, man. Oh.

Hey, did you get any action last night?

Nah.

Came close, but kids were awake when we got home.

-What about you, you get lucky? -No.