Two Doors Down

Come on! We'll pump this lot.

I mean, Malta, for God's sake. What have they ever done?

A falcon!

Sure you don't want one? No, no, you're fine.

I'm still on this diet that Beth put me on.

Diet? Oh, dear.

I'm lucky. I can eat what I want.

My father was the same.

He ate chips every day of his life, and he was like that.

Heart attack, he had, wasn't it? Three of them, aye.Aye.

I just couldn't bear the thought

of you sitting on your own all night, Beth.

Och, you didn't need to worry. I quite enjoy a night...

Besides, I wanted a wee catch-up, hear all your news.

Well, not much to tell, really, Cathy. Um...

Eric's been at the doctor again.

Oh, no!Uh-huh.

What a shame.

Look! I had my toes done in that new semipermanent stuff.

It is so good.

I kicked the tumble dryer shut earlier, didn't chip.

So you've been at the dentist? The doctor's.

Have you?No, Eric has.

Oh, God.

Tell you what... Open that bottle, I want to hear all about it.

Oh, Beth!Uh-huh.

Bring crisps.

Storage Wars?

Yeah...

Oh, Police Interceptors. I watched that last week.

They chased a man over a fence

and his tracksuit bottoms came down at the back,

so they had to blur it out so you didn't see his crack.

Oh, Game Of Thrones. Jaz, we live in Glasgow.

If I want to watch dwarves stabbing each other,

I can just take a bus into the city centre.

All right!

Border Force!What's that?

People trying to get into Australia smuggling snake meat up their jumpers,

and Chinese women bursting into tears when they get caught with home-cooked food

and they've got to put it in the bin.

I might just go to bed.

Are you coming, or are you staying up? Um, I'll come.

Ian...What?

Do you want to move in with me?

OK.

I mean, I knew he was overweight.

Oh, yeah. Remember when we had the barbecue out the back?

When he stepped onto that decking,

it was like that bit out of Jurassic Park.

It's a worry.

This is what happens to a lot of Scottish men, Beth.

Nice and chunky when they're young.

And then they just turn into big bloaters.

They're saying if he doesn't do something about it,

he could be at risk of a heart attack.

Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth.

Anything happens to Eric, I'll be here for you.

I'll help you get your hair cut,

set you up a profile on PlentyOfFish.

This programme contains some strong language

# Mmm-mm-mmm-mmm-mmm

# Whoa-oa-oa

# Ohh-oh-oh

I'll tell you who's got it right when it comes to pubs, Eric.

The Spaniards.Aye?

Aye. Tapas.

Cos every time you get a drink, you get a wee bite to eat with it.

A wee bit of sausage, chorizo.

A wee bit of squid, calamari.

Wee croquette. ..Croquette.

Oh, Christ, give it a rest with all that chat about grub.I'm sorry.

Let's just concentrate on the match. That'll cheer you up, eh?

Come on, let's get behind these lads. Scot...

Shit. That didnae go in, did it?

It's a disgrace.

It's a... It's an absolute disgrace.

They were humped oot there. Humped. By Malta.

I'll tell you what the problem is, Eric.

Our lot just arenae fit.I know.

They're oot there trying to compete with these European teams

who are in peak condition,

and they're just no' up to it.

You want some chips in your pocket to take in with you?

No, no, no, no. You're good.

That's right, it's your diet. Good man.

I'll tell you, that lot out there

could do with taking a leaf out of your book.

Aye. Anyway, I'm away to my bed, so I'll see you.

Night. Night.

Good night, squire.

Aw, shite.

What the...?!

Eric!

Eric!

What is it?

The freezer door's been left lying open.How the hell...?

Well, it wasn't me! Uh-huh.

So it wasn't you that cooked the oven chips in the big Pyrex dish

that's lying in the sink, then?

I'll get a tea towel.

And I'll bet you've guzzled all my cold meat.

Beth...

Eric, let me into that fridge. Beth, I was starving.

Eric! We got beat by Malta, Beth.Oh...

Gone. And my lovely big lump of Irish Cheddar.

Away. I was going to use that for a macaroni.

Well, there's a tin of macaroni in the...

Actually, I...Look at the state of this. I mean, just look at it.

And you're supposed to be on a diet. And I am.

Oh, and look at this lovely big leg of lamb.

The blood's dripped right the way through onto Ian's waffles.

We can always refreeze it. Don't be ridiculous.

Look, what does it say there?

Er... "Use by December 2008".

Not there. There! "Once defrosted, do not refreeze".

Well, you'll just have to bin it, then.

Bin it?! I will not be binning it.

There's hundreds of pounds worth of food in here.

I mean, what about my prawns?

Forget about the prawns. You don't have to worry about the prawns.

Why not?

Cos I had them with the macaroni. Huh!

And you need to be careful with your health.

Eric, I'm telling you, if you have a heart attack, I will kill you.Ow!

What are we going to do?

Well, there's only one thing we bloody well can do.

Cook it!

All right, Mum, see you later.

Bye.

What do you think?

It's the gym we're going to, no' a bloody Pride march.

I'm kidding you on. You look fine.

Listen, see instead of going to the gym,

would it be OK if we went over to my mum's?

Er, yeah, can do. What's happening? She's making lunch.

Let's do it. Should I bring anything?

Aye, some earplugs and a bottle of Gaviscon would be great.

Oh, hello, Beth. Hi, Christine. How you doing?

I'm absolutely shattered.Oh.

Been up all night with this bladder of mine.Oh, dear.

Between that and the trapped nerve in my neck,

and our Sophie's guinea pig's about to give birth,

it's like a field hospital in here.

Do you want to come in for a cup of tea?I won't just now.

Actually, I just popped round to invite you to ours.

Oh, no, I don't think so, Beth.

I'm just not at my best just now. Och, that's a shame.

You know me, Beth, I'm a fighter.

But this business with the bladder's just about broken me.

Mum, Dusty's nearly ready to go.

All right, just put a towel down, will you? I'll be in in a minute.

Sorry, I need to go, Beth.

Oh, what was the occasion, anyway? Oh, nothing really.

It's just we've had a bit of a disaster.

A disaster?

Oh!All right?

Oh, thanks, Eric.

You know, my heart just about broke when Beth told me.

I know what she's going through.

I had a soda siphon rupture on me

up at the caravan last year, didn't I, Sophie?

Yeah, you did.

Don't panic. I am here!

Oh, give us a hug, missus.

How are you holding up? Och, I'm fine.

See, if that was me, I'd be devastated.

Obviously, your stuff's not as dear. Even still...

I'll give you a wee squeeze, too, eh?

There we are. All better. You all right, eh?

Well, nobody died, eh?Aye, true.

But still, it's a fair old kick in the nuts, though.

What on earth happened?

Eric left the freezer door open by mistake.

Oh, no!

We thought maybe it just broke down because it was so old.

And you can't refreeze any of it? I don't think so, Colin, no.

Oh, no, no, no. You're quite right.

I did that once with chicken breasts.

I nearly shat myself in the car.

It can happen to anybody.

Just it always seems to happen to Eric.

Remember when you got that lovely beanbag

and he had that terrible upset stomach?

Cathy, look, please, don't say anything about it to him.

We're just trying to put it behind us and move on.

Course you are, course you are.

It's the last thing you're needing, though, isn't it?

I was just saying to Col, poor Beth,

she has got enough on her plate.

Not any more, she hasn't!

Anyway, look on the bright side. Chance for a wee get-together.

Exactly, Beth.

What are friends for if they can't get together

and eat a lot of cheap frozen food?

Anyway, best let you get on.

Anything I can do to help, you just let me know.

Well, actually, Cathy,

you could give us a hand getting all this in the oven.

What, now?