How I Met Your Mother

Kids, early in this story, you may recall me saying

something along the lines of...

Okay, no more dating.

I am ready to settle down.

And at the time, I probably thought I meant it.

But, kids, I'll be honest.

Being single's fun.

As a young unattached man in New York City,

I had a great time.

A great time.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah.

I had such a great time that it took someone very special

to make me want to settle down.

And that someone...

was Jeanette.

What made Jeanette so special? Well...

That was a foul!

Jeanette was the last girl I dated

before I met your mother.

The girl who finally got me to say...

No more dating.

I'm ready to settle down.

...and really mean it.

Oh!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

But let's back up a little bit.

She broke your TV with a beer bottle?

In her defense, she was aiming for the window.

Dude, you gotta get rid of this girl.

Agreed. Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye

before you get stab-stabbed.

Oh, really?

And are you guys saying this because you don't want me

to be with Jeanette, or because you want me

to stay single so you guys can keep your clubhouse?

J'accuse!

I had a point,

and they knew it.

You see, in early 2013,

I was the only single guy in the group.

Which meant whenever Marshall or Barney bought something

they weren't allowed to keep in their apartments...

You know what, Ted? That reminds me.

I just bought this antique Swiss clock,

but Robin won't let us put it in the apartment,

so I was gonna leave it at your place.

Only problem? It's broken.

So I was just gonna sit here and try to fix it

while maybe you tell us what you and Jeanette did last night?

Okay. Well, uh, Jeanette is a big Marilyn Monroe fan.

There you go! Now it's working!

Sorry. Sorry. Go on. Go on. She's a Marilyn Monroe fan

so I guess you watched one of her movies?

Uh, No, we had a séance.

Look at that! Good as new.

Anyway, were you able to contact Marilyn

in the spirit world?

No. We talked to her cat.

Screw loose! That's the problem.

Uh-oh.

Looks like somebody's hungry.

I'm gonna get his food ready.

Robin, can you grab him?

Can I? Try and stop me!

Now, kids, what Lily didn't realize--

what none of us realized, in fact-- was that

in the eight months since your cousin Marvin was born,

Robin had never once held him.

The truth was, the thought of holding him terrified her,

so she had always avoided it, ever so discreetly.

Can you hold... Oh, shoot! Look at that!

Oh, geez.

I got him.

Come here, you little munchkin.

Aw, man...

Oh, well, I call next.

Well, I should go. It's time for Jeanette's... something.

Time for Jeanette's what, Ted?

Uh, we're taking her dog to an exorcist.

Wow, Ted, that sounds...

Crap, it's really broken now.

Okay, fine. I admit it. She's crazy.

Obviously.

But I'm not in this for the long haul.

It's just, you know, it's just fun.

Of course it's fun, at first.

But then when she starts calling out the name of her

high school science teacher in the throes of passion,

it's really fun.

But then when she starts bringing knives into bed

and making you fear for your safety?

It's really, really fun.

But then when she starts unbuttoning your pants

while you're being forced to drive blindfolded

down the freeway with a gun pointed at your...

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Jeanette.

Oh, right. That girl's crazy.

You gotta break up with her. I know.

I know. You're right. I-I have to break up with her.

I should do it in a public place, though,

so she doesn't flip out.

So the next night, I met her in a public place

so she wouldn't flip out.

I will kill you, ref!

I will kill you in front of all these people!

Oh, boy. What, you think I won't

just 'cause I'm in a public place?!

I'll go to jail for the rest of my life if I have to!

Listen, before the game starts, I think we need to talk.

I can't believe Ted's dead.

I know.

What a way to go.

Killed by a bazooka.

All right, all right, so I'm not on my game today.

Anyway...

I gotta hop out for a bit.

You guys stay here.

Oh, and, um, if Jeanette comes by,

do not let her into the apartment.

Don't let her in. Got it.

Guys, this is serious. This girl is like bedbugs.

Once she's in the apartment, there's no getting her out.

Ted, buddy, (clears throat)

how long have we been dealing

with Barney's insane girlfriends? Years.

Nigh on a decade!

I had to testify in five competency hearings.

I think we can handle Jeanette.

Okay, okay.

See you soon.

That kid. Am I right?

Now look who forgot his keys.

What is it?

Meanwhile, Lily and Robin were out getting lunch,

when disaster struck.

Oh, God, I left his binky on that bus!

Wait. Don't you have other binkies?

That one's his favorite! He'll know the difference!

I'm not gonna let this be the reason

he resents me later in life!

If he starts crying, just pick him up!

What? Uh, uh...

Okay, okay. Yeah, there, there, there. Okay.

Hey, I'm back. Did I miss anything?

Nope.

Did Jeanette come by?

Jeanette? I know lots of Jeanettes.

Um... (mutters)

Guys! Okay, she came by

because she forgot her book.

So we let her go up in your room and get it.

And then?

And then what?

And then she left?

I think she left.

Are you sure she left?

I am... 90% sure...

that she left.

80 percent.

Actually, I'm gonna change my answer.

I am now starting to think she never left,

and instead she barricaded herself in your room.

And I'm never coming out!

A hundred percent.

I cannot believe you guys!

Well, maybe if you had given us a warning that she was crazy!

Dude, it's okay.

She can't stay in there forever.

She'll have to come out to eat and drink

and go to the bathroom, right?

Now, a few months earlier,

the East Coast had been hit by a bad storm,

and some intelligent, forward-thinking

New Yorkers took it as a wake-up call,

making sure to stock their bedrooms with enough

food and water to last months,

not to mention a portable waste management system.

It was really the smart thing to do.

You dumbass!

Really, Ted. How could you be so unbelievably stupid?

No, no, you guys are the ones who invited

a vampire into my apartment! This is your fault!

And P.S., if this disaster

had been a superstorm instead of a hot lunatic,

you'd all be begging to eat my freeze-dried protein paste

and crap in my biohazard bucket. Just sayin'.

I got it.

It was on the floor of the bus.

I should probably throw it out. Eh.

Did he give you any problems?

He cried a little, but then he stopped.

Oh, good. Anything else happen?

Nope.

That... is... it.

All gone!

We have to do this more often.

Oh, we totally do.

I can't believe Marvin's in kindergarten.

He's growing up so fast.