The Carmichael Show

The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Joe, time for dinner.

I'm not calling you again.

What's Dad doing in there?

Oh, he got himself one of those Facebook Web sites.

He made me take 25 profile pictures of him,

before I "captured his essence."

Well, I think it's great he's becoming

more connected with the world.

He might finally see other opinions than his own,

and it might make him less opinionated.

Maxine, I don't think Facebook

or the Internet has ever made

a single person less opinionated.

You know?

And I formed that opinion after the Internet,

so I know it holds up.

All right. I'm gonna go get him.

Yo, Dad. What's up?

I'm drunk on power, Jerrod.

Now, look, you got to understand this.

I always had these thoughts in my head,

but I've been looking for an outlet,

and I finally found one.

Joe Carmichael is killing it on Facebook.

All right, all right, Dad.

Slow down for a second.

How many friends you got?

Brace yourself. 52!

Am I bracing myself for a larger number?

Well, Jerrod, I've never been friends

with 52 people, all together, during my entire lifetime.

Shoot, now I got 52 people listening to my every word.

Okay, Dad, you've been alive for a long time.

You should get out more.

That's like a friend a year.

Joe Carmichael is killing it on Facebook.

My man!

Look, I was getting a haircut, right?

And I started reading your status updates

out loud at the barbershop.

Man, you are really inspiring people.

Daddy, stand on up.

Take a bow, man. You earned it.

Oh, man, I ain't getting up off this couch.

But I appreciate the gesture.

Look, Bobby, instead of reading Dad's Facebook posts,

you should read my tweets out loud at the barbershop.

Come on, man, nah, Jerrod.

Like, Dad got good social commentary.

Your tweets always sound negative.

What are you talking about?

I have amazing social commentary, Bobby.

Dude, there's a difference between you and Dad.

Matter of fact, hold on, let me pull this up.

This is Dad. Posted this earlier:

"Strippers don't like it

"when you get change for a 20 off the stage."

Come on, man.

It's genius.

You know what I mean? And look, I Li...

I like the fact that Facebook got these new emojis on here.

I gave that status a...

You learn the hard way.

That is not great social commentary.

That's just a simple fact about strip clubs.

Come on. Dinner's ready.

But look here, man, I didn't know that, okay?

I learned something. And look,

it's three other people in that barbershop

that learned something, too, okay?

Try... look, here's one of your tweets.

"Democracy is an illusion."

What am I supposed to do with that?

Democracy is an illusion, Bobby.

The only way to bring about change is through

...money or death.

If you know it, retweet it, Maxine.

I don't want to retweet that.

It's embarrassing.

You know I've actually lost friends

because of Jerrod's tweets. Like that time you tweeted

that your biggest fear used to be spiders,

but it is now the cough of an immigrant.

That tweet was written at a time when Ebola was scaring us all.

See, look... nah, nah.

Dad can top that.

Matter of fact, he tweeted this yesterday.

"How come every Asian person under 30

looks like they're from the future?"

Nothing this family says should be made public.

You shouldn't say bad things

about the Asians on the Internet, Joe.

They invented computers.

I'm exercising my freedom of speech.

That's right.

That's right. All right?

It-it's in the Constitution.

It's all we got to go by.

Mm-hmm. I mean, you know, even though democracy's an illusion

and your vote doesn't matter, it still counts to us.

Oh!

Another friend request.

Vicki Colette. Count it.

Vicki Colette!?

Wait. Who... who's Vicki Colette?

Oh, you don't know about Vicki "Muffin Top" Colette?

That's my old high school girlfriend before your mama.

Uh, she just poked me. What do I do now?

Am I supposed to poke her back?

Joe, look at me.

No.

Joe, I don't think it's appropriate

to be Facebook friends with an ex-girlfriend.

Well, I already accepted.

Well, let me see this Vicki Colette.

All right.

- Uh-huh. - There you go.

Ah, she looks good for her age.

Wh-Why "for her age," Jerrod?

Why can't she just look good?

Because after 40, your good looks

come with a disclaimer, Maxine, all right?

All right? I-I'm not saying it's a bad thing,

but we can't pretend it's not a thing.

Let me look at her.

She does not look good for her age.

She looks really bad for her age.

Really, really, really bad for her age.

All right, all right, look, Ma,

there's no need to feel threatened.

No one's actually looking to reconnect on Facebook.

Facebook's just a place where you go

to see if you're winning at life.

Well, how do you win?

By staying more attractive

than all your friends from high school, you know?

Cheryl Finley.

I'm sorry, but she was very mean.

She called me Triscuit.

What does that mean?

Brown cracker.

I'm sorry, but that was a good one... no!

Look, look,

social media is more than that, okay?

Like, if I'm feeling sad,

I'll post something real vague, like...

If Bobby Carmichael wasn't here anymore,

would you care?

And then get a bunch of "likes."

Why would they like that?

No, see, Mama, "like" doesn't mean "like,"

on social media, you know what I mean?

"Like" means like, uh... "I see you."

"I care."

And, uh, that type of support

can just turn your whole day around.

Oh!

Vicki Colette just liked my profile pic.

What kind of lonely,

desperate woman goes around

just liking Facebook pictures?

I mean this, Joe,

no more Facebook.

Now, if you need to be stimulated,

you've got that little weather girl on the 6:00 news.

Wait, you can't tell me what to do on my Facebook.

It's called "My Facebook."

It's not called "Your Facebook."

It's also not called "My Facebook."

Joe, your little Facebook Web site

is a reflection on me, too.

You are my husband.

No, not on here, I'm not.

On here, I'm just Joe Carmichael, raconteur.

Look, look, Mom, stop trying to take away

his social media, you know?

If he had a den that he went to for refuge,

you wouldn't take that away.

If he had a garage that he fixed cars in,

you wouldn't take that away.

Why are you trying to take away his Facebook?

But a den and a garage are private.

Social media is public,

and any time you want to put something out there publicly,

you need to consider the people close to you.

Especially when it's a ridiculous tweet, like,

"People on welfare shouldn't be allowed to eat breakfast."

Hey, hey, that is a good thought, Maxine.

I mean, think about it.

They're building up their strength for what?

Like, what are they doing later in the day

that they need Wheaties for now?

Cynthia, I completely support

you telling Joe what to do.

You know, Maxine, I'm not concerned with the way

you present yourself on social media.

Why are you worried about me?

Wh-What's wrong with the way

that I present myself on social media?